The 5 Most Ill-Conceived Female Comic Book Movies
Comic books are traditionally geared towards adolescent boys. Adolescent boys are generally attracted to big-busted ladies wearing skin tight outfits. That being said, in this era of big-budget comic book blockbuster films, why have precious few starred a hero with a giant pair of X chromosomes?
Sure, the ladies have their supporting role in the blockbusters. Black Widow finds ways to incapacitate enemies with handguns and a rockin’ booty, Pepper Potts somehow manages to make Gwyneth Paltrow slightly less hate-able, and … I don’t know … does Rocket Raccoon have a girlfriend? The point is, Hollywood seems to be reluctant to make a comic book movie with a strong female in the starring role. There’s a simple reason for this.
It doesn’t work.
Hollywood has tried to give us a bona fide comic book femme fatale, and it has flopped time and time again. But the reason for the flopping isn’t because film fans aren’t onboard with a hero who keeps tampons in her utility belt; it’s because Hollywood chose to green-light such dunderheaded fare. Here is a look at Hollywood’s five most ill-conceived female-centered films, and the makeover that could have turned them into winners:
Ill-Conceived Female Comic Book Movies: Cat Woman (2004)
Remember Halle Berry, back before Adrien Brody kiss-raped her at the Academy Awards and sucked out the last of her star power (and some fillings, presumably?). Back in the day, Halle could do no wrong. She was named #1 on People’s “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” list in 2003. The entire marketing campaign for “Swordfish” essentially boiled down to “See Halle Berry’s tat-tas.” Berry seemed to be the perfect successor to Eartha Kitt as the titular Catwoman in the 2004 film. She looked terrific in leather pants and a black bra top. We should be six sequels into this franchise by now, right?
Wrong. Berry’s purring delivery about as sexy as a yowling tomcat. Her character is taken outside the Batman universe and she is imbued with mysterious cat powers after being resurrected by a cat. As far as super-villains go, Catwoman is stuck battling an aged Sharon Stone who plays an evil cosmetics executive. In other words, take every single element of the character that comic book fans might appreciate and replace it with a hokey pseudo-feminist morality play between a Bond Girl and that chick who flashed her lady parts in Basic Instinct. Watch her here in the movie’s tepid trailer.
But there’s an easy makeover that could have saved this series. Catwoman has been done to death. Harley Quinn is where the money is. Instead of doing retreads and making a convoluted Batman spinoff with nary a mention of the Batman, they could have a made movie based on The Joker’s sexy and unpredictable better half, with Halle Berry in the title role. Forget the back story and cat puns and get with the crazy dame. Not only would it have been a better film, but it might have prevented Berry’s career from fizzling.
Ill-Conceived Female Comic Book Movies: Elektra (2005)
Marvel’s Elektra was one of the company’s most popular anti-heroes in the 1980s. A Greek martial arts master, she made the bladed sai the fanboy weapon of choice. The Death of Elektra (Daredevil 181) was one of the most iconic – and gloriously rendered – scenes in comics of the era; the wildly popular Elektra skewered on the end of Bullseye’s blade, then left to bleed out like an animal. It was visceral. It was powerful. It was … in some studio head’s opinion … a perfect vehicle for Jennifer Garner, best known as Ben Affleck’s J-Lo rebound, and for her role as Wanda in “Dude. Where’s My Car?” It was a casting disaster, (watch her in action here) and a nonsensical script where Elektra gets ESP and has to battle a bevy of martial artists to protect a young prodigy … kind of like “Alien Resurrection,” but infinitely stupider.
Look how easy it is to save this comic book fail with an easy makeover. New script and new Elektra. Salma Hayek could have made an intriguing Elektra; she had the exotic look and sultry, mysterious eyes that could have made the character work. And the entire plot about ancient martial arts, psychic powers, and young disciples can be thrown right into the bin. Elektra is an assassin. Imagine an Elektra in the mold of The Professional. Have her target The Kingpin and Bullseye. Let the story fit the Marvel Universe … it really could have worked.
Ill-Conceived Female Comic Book Movies: Tank Girl (1995)
OK, it was a grunge era, and riot grrrls were a thing. That’s cool. And Lori Petty seemed pretty cool at the time, fresh off her impressive showing in A League of Their Own. Tank Girl was an underground comic with a cult following that resonated with feminists, lesbians, punk kids, the grunge scene and everything else considered “alternative” in the 1990s. A Tank Girl movie seemed to be the perfect way to stick it to The Man, to make a meta-movie about everything wrong with movies; to make a cult movie and be completely in on the joke. But instead of nihilism and punk rock ethos, we got Petty mugging for the camera and delivering the same hokey one-liners as you’d find in The Mask. (see some of it here) Oh yeah … the dude from Body Count also played a kangaroo. Not even Malcolm McDowell could save this trainwreck.
But Tank Girl could have been saved. All you had to do is hire Quentin Tarantino to direct. Tarantino was just hitting his peak in 1994. Had he been brought on as director – or even as a consultant – he could have been the bold, twisted mad visionary Tank Girl needed to be a success.
Ill Conceived Female Comic Book Movies: Supergirl (1984)
Supergirl actually had a lot going for it. Unlike others on this list, it was set within the existing Superman universe. It featured some great actors (Faye Dunaway, Peter O’Toole, and even Marc McClure as the returning Jimmy Olsen). Newcomer Helen Slater delivered her lines with the same heroic conviction of Christopher Reeve. Even the Supergirl outfit was good – slight font change on the chest-S and nice flirty super-skirt. The problem with this film was the villain. Supergirl battles a witch that was created entirely for this movie. The witch (played by Dunaway) uses love potions and sentient construction vehicles to fight Superman’s cousin. It’s actually sillier than A Quest for Peace. If you aren’t familiar with the movie or just want to really remind yourself of what happened here, watch a clip.
But two things could have saved Supergirl. First, a cameo from Superman Christopher Reeve (it was planned, but Reeve backed out), and an interesting villain. Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor would have worked. How about Supergirl fighting Bizarro, actually fighting a twisted version of her own super-cousin? Either would have been better than a love triangle with a witch.
Ill Conceived Female Comic Book Movies: Red Sonja (1985)
Just beating out Barb Wire for the final spot on this list is Red Sonja, a film so remarkably bad that even the trailer in unwatchable (go ahead, click the link … we bet you’ll tap out by the one-minute mark). In addition to having the sexiest outfit of any super-heroine, “The She-Devil with a Sword” was a genuine bloodthirsty bad-ass. But instead of a super-boobed redhead in a chain-mail bikini, we got the lantern-jawed Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan – err, Lord Kalidor … pretty close to the same dude, really. Sonja has to destroy the “One True Ring” – err, the talisman, and Conan-Kalidor is her juiced-up Samwise Gamgee.
But its fixable. Re-cast Kelly LeBrock and put her in a red wig. Bring back the chain mail bikini. And, for the love of all that’s holy, ditch the love story element. No one going to see “A She-Devil with a Sword” is hoping for a rom-com.
Is there hope for a better female led super hero movie? Of course! There are plenty of ensemble super hero films in development and Wonder Woman has been in development for years with a potential 2017 release. But there are scores of super-heroines and villainesses just waiting for their big feature moment. We’ll wait, and watch.
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