Socially distancing from reality seems like a dream, right? How many Friday afternoons did you cry at the fact that you have plans, when all you wanted to do was watch Netflix on your couch with a bottle of wine and no obligations? Well… I guess we all need to be careful what we wished for because that’s our current reality with COVID-19 until 2048 with. Kidding… I hope. I figured because since there are no stand-up shows, podcast tours, or sets to go to with everything shut down — comedians are most likely going stir crazy. And since I’m a nosy bitch, I had to find out just how they were passing the time. As always, I’m Kashmere and these are the Social Distancing Dispatches.
If you asked me to list all the things I love about Dan Perlman, we would probably be free from quarantine by the time I’m done. Not only is he a phenomenal stand-up, he also is an actor, writer, and someone who always smells amazing. No seriously, if Dan ever goes into Real Housewives territory and launches a cologne line, I’m first in line to buy. Be sure to follow him on Twitter and Instagram and also stay on the lookout for his half hour album, because I went to the taping of it in December and while I’m sorry to say you missed out if you didn’t go, you’re lucky you’re able to listen to his genius when it premieres. Let’s dive in to his quarantine!
I mean how prepared were you for this? Did you have toilet paper at the ready or were you panic running around to bodegas trying to find like, ramen noodles? I was not prepared for a global pandemic. I’d been working on stand-up and re-writing this script, so my attention had been there, rather than tracking the spread of COVID-19. My bad there. I already had a lot of toilet paper, by chance. My grocery store hasn’t been raided too badly, so I can shop without panic. I have hand sanitizer and I bought a lot of gloves, so I’ve been eating those.
Are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you feel like this is your thrive time or are you making up conversations with inanimate objects. I never know how to answer this question in personality quizzes. I think of myself as an introvert, but I also do stand-up, or did when that existed, so I definitely feed off the energy of being around people. I don’t do well in isolation, when it’s only my thoughts. I guess one thing I’ve learned in quarantine is I’m down to talk to anyone. The bar’s never been lower. Say hello.
As a kid, I would’ve loved this thing. No school. I can stay home. Classes canceled. But I was also lonely and very, very stupid. I like working around other people, running jokes with friends, catching up. I’ve been FaceTime-ing with comics, friends. I’m excited to be around friends in-person again, so we can check our phones in front of each other like the good old days.
Have you come up with a random quarantine meal/snack that you would never eat during your normal day-to-day? There’s no order to any of it. Maybe I’ll make scrambled eggs, maybe I won’t have breakfast, maybe I’ll just have almonds, maybe I’ll have four chocolate chip cookies. It’s really whatever you feel. We’re in lawless times meal-wise.
The most random show that you’ve found solace in during this… no need to be embarrassed, I’m rewatching Real Housewives of New Jersey to feel right now. Jiminy Glick, the character Martin Short does, really makes me laugh. I’ve watched those a few times. It’s not a vaccine, but it’s a band-aid, I guess. I listen to Aretha a lot. Spotify said I was in the top 1% of Aretha Franklin fans worldwide, so I’m pretty sure I’ve held that steady, maybe even elevated to top .01%.
Be honest: when do you start drinking, and how many bottles of wine have you had? I rarely drink, so I’ve only had one during this time. I went to a friend’s birthday party on Zoom last night, because that’s where we are, and had one drink to liven up the party, but I just got tired and had to leave the Zoom to pass out. I’ve never had a drinking problem, but I guess if one drink over Zoom knocks me out, I might as well cut drinking entirely. Okay, you convinced me, I’m sober. Day 1!
What do you want to accomplish during this time that you have been putting off because you “don’t have the time”? I just write a lot, so I just escape into my little world that way. I have a list of ideas I’d like to write and have finished drafts over the next couple weeks. I haven’t been great at using social media, so I’m trying to use that better to share my stuff. Hopefully if people like my stuff, they share it and all that. I’m learning how to read. Books are good, people should check out books. I don’t know, man. Maybe I’ll learn harmonica. Is that even sanitary? It’s probably not. Who knows.