Liz’s Listicles: Why Hollywood Should Keep the Covid Corpulence – A Plea to Will Smith

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Liz Barrett is a New York-based stand-up comedian and writer. Liz is deadpan, dry, engaging, and offers shrewd observations about life and womanhood. You’ll remember her one-liners long after you see her. Liz has appeared on Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die and New York Post Videos. You can also hear her on SiriusXM. Liz’s Listicles will appear on theinterrobang.com monthly. Follow her @LizComedy on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. 

Are you just trying to make it through these days? Are you just hanging on and ready to fall out of the unstable hammock that is life? Are you tired of feeling like you need to be perfect? Comedian Liz Barrett is here to help. Each month, Liz will help you not live your best life, but a perfectly fine one.


This month Liz’s Listicles tells Hollywood why they should keep the weight that they gained during lockdown.

Did I gain weight during the pandemic? Yes. Did you? Probably. Other than the maniacally driven among us, pretty much everyone did. My low point came when I realized I always, ALWAYS had candy in my pocket and on my bedside table. Who could blame me during the dark days of the pandemic? And now we know that even Hollywood was gaining weight. Gwyneth Paltrow said that the pandemic pushed her into the unthinkable — eating bread instead of talking about her vagina. Can you imagine? Now that we’re vaccinated, we’re supposed to get right back at it. Oh joy. 

Will Smith announced that he’s on a dramatic 90-day personal fitness journey to lose the “tummy” he gained during the pandemic. Even some Real Housewives admitted to gaining weight. But what’s wrong with keeping a few of those pandemic pounds? Excess body weight used to mean you were rich and healthy. Curvy women were celebrated. Let’s bring some of that back. Listen Hollywood, we love you, and now there’s just more of you to love.  Don’t lose the Covid weight, keep it on and the world will love you even more. 

Why Hollywood Should Keep the COVID Corpulence – A Plea to Will Smith

Bread is happiness. There’s no scientific data that backs this up, but science is now optional, and anyone who’s eaten too much pasta knows what a glorious nap you take after. Will Smith says he wants to feel better by losing the weight he gained, but come on Will, who feels great after the age of 30? To paraphrase Men in Black, you make this look good. Enjoy your belly.

You aren’t actually fat, you’re Hollywood fat, which in the rest of the world is what we call “normal.” Gaining 20 pounds and having a little belly shows you actually eat food sometimes, like the humans do. It’s okay. 

Fat makes you accessible. Old Hollywood is dead, and the Hollywood where no one knew that celebrities fart is gone. Social media put the end to that, so you can relax and stop acting like you aren’t one of us poor schlubs. We would still love you, Will, if you had to take a quick rest while running to kill the aliens. It’s all fake anyway, so you would still get them, and the audience would feel that maybe they could take out an alien too. 

In-N-Out Burger needs celebrity business more than once a year. Although we all enjoy seeing stars like Selena Gomez, Dan Levy, or Jennifer Garner wolfing down an Animal Style Double-Double once a year, it won’t keep them in business. Let’s help them out by making eating burgers a weekly tradition, just like you do with Botox or acknowledging the help.

Think of all the things you can endorse now. Celebrities were more or less limited to endorsing workout gear, overpriced water, and kombucha, and you could only endorse Doritos if it was the Super Bowl. Now with a little weight, celebrities can endorse anything, like Cheez Whiz, recliners, or drawstring pants. The world is your oyster, grilled and topped with lots of butter.

People age better with a little weight. We all know being gaunt isn’t senior sexy. Everything pulls back, random tendons stick out of the weirdest places, your head becomes disproportionately large and you start to look like a Pez, which, ironically, you avoid eating because of the three calories in a Pez candy. Avoid all that by keeping the 20 pounds.

You’re prepared. If you believe the “experts,” there’s another pandemic coming, so you’ll be ready for it.

You can stop trying to convince yourself that drinking celery water in the morning is delicious. Water from celery first thing in the morning, or really anytime, isn’t food, it’s just anger redirected toward your body. And it’s certainly no substitute for bacon and eggs.

Join everyone else who has given up. You’ll have so much more free time to have someone ghostwrite your life story.

 

Comedian Liz Barrett (Sirius XM, Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die) wants people to stop being perfect, and start being real. Follow Liz @lizcomedy on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. 

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Liz Barrett
Liz Barrett