Liz’s Listicles: Liz Barrett’s Things You No Longer Have To Say To Your Spouse

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Liz Barrett is a New-York based stand-up comedian and writer. Raised in a military family and having moved all around the world, Liz is deadpan, dry, engaging, and offers shrewd observations about life and womanhood.  You’ll remember her one-liners long after you see her.   Liz has appeared on AXS TV Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die and New York Post Videos. You can also hear her on Raw Dog Comedy on SiriusXM.     Since 2013, Liz has produced her own monthly show Grin and Barrett which has been described as “puntastically named” and “one of the best shows in the city produced by a female comedian.” Liz’s Listicles will appear on theinterrobang.com monthly.  Follow Liz on Twitter @LizComedy and on Instagram @LizComedy.

Are you just trying to make it through these days? Are you just hanging on and ready to fall out of the hammock, which is life? Are you tired of feeling like you need to be perfect? Comedian Liz Barrett is here to help. Each month, comedian Liz Barrett (Sirius XM, Gotham Comedy Live) will provide tips on how you can cut yourself some slack. With her tips, you will not be living your best life, but a perfectly fine life.
This month Liz’s Listicles talks about marriage during the pandemic.

This Month: Liz’s Listicles Tackles Marriage

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. However, 2020 really seems like a special kind of ultra long-haul marathon. I’ve been with my husband pretty much nonstop since March. Every. Single. Day. The phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder” sounds like a playground taunt. We are never parted now, and I have noticed that many of the things we used to say to each other, we know longer have to say. You can conserve your words. That way you can focus on other important issues. You are free to fight over how much mayo your husband eats; why your mother in law just can’t visit during a pandemic; and who farted.
Here are some other words and phrases you can drop from your vocabulary until this pandemic is over and, God willing, you can go back to being away from each other for at least part of every day

“Let’s Look At Our Schedule.”

Pfffft. No one has a schedule. My calendar is clear for months, and so is my husband’s. I don’t have to know what my husband is doing next Thursday. I already know. He’s finished a few Zoom calls in his button down shirt and pj bottoms, and is about to cut his own hair outside.

“What did you do today?”

Unless you live in a mansion with separate wings, this is a stupid question, because you already know. Even when my husband goes to the grocery store without me, I know all too well what he did.

She’s always there. Everybody Loves Raymond explains marriage.

 

“When are you getting home?”

This has turned into wanting to say, “When are you leaving? Maybe soon?” That’s a phrase most married people never say to their spouse during normal times. I’m annoying to live with, and never want to tempt fate that my husband will finally break.

“What did you have for lunch?”

This line is good filler when you’ve been married for 20 years, and you need something to say on a Tuesday night in February. However, at this point, I already know the answer to this. I know that on April 5th, my husband had some left over tuna on a hot dog bun. On May 23rd, he had his 150th piece of banana bread. On August 27th, he had a hummus wrap with hot sauce. The hummus was about to expire, and the hot sauce didn’t help with digestion. That was a dark day.

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wat bwings us togeder.

“I think you are showering too much.”

Sure, this is something wives never say during normal times, but much like I don’t trust the people getting in shape during this pandemic, I don’t trust the people showering everyday. What exactly are they trying to prove? At this point, my husband and I have decided that we are saving the world by conserving water.

“Where are you going looking all fixed up?”

I respect the women who post photos of themselves getting all fixed up at home on a Friday night with a ball gown, full makeup, and blow out hair. These women are spunky. Personally, I haven’t worn makeup since the first week in August. My husband has not seen me “fixed up” in a long time, but sometimes, for a thrill, I throw on some perfume. Luckily, he doesn’t see any other women so he doesn’t quite realize how much I’m slacking.

“Do we have any liquor in the house?”

Bwahahaha, yes we always do. God bless the sober people in 2020, they deserve combat pay, but let’s face it most of us are drinking. I never have to question whether we have vodka in the house. In fact, my husband is working on how to get vodka to flow out of our kitchen faucet.

“We should go on a diet together.”

This is no time to try to lose weight as a couple. Carbs are part of our survival strategy, both physically and emotionally, so let’s embrace them. Couples who carbo load together are in better “shape” to fight off the Zombie Apocalypse that is sure to come during the dumpster fire of 2020.

I wonder how these two crazy kids are doing during the pandemic.

“Why don’t you want to travel to Cambodia?”

No longer do I have to fight with my husband about where we could vacation. I like constant comfort, but he likes adventure. However, no one is going to Cambodia, or any other humid jungle, anytime soon.

“We need to spend more time together.”

In that faraway era before the pandemic, my husband and I had times in our hectic lives that we didn’t see each other much in a week. We would inevitably sit down and discuss how we needed to spend more time together. Well, those days are over. We have been together 24-7 for six months now. We could go on separate two week vacations; pass each other in the hallway for four weeks; and only speak on the phone for another two weeks, and I still might think, “I should go live somewhere else for a month so we have something new to talk about.”

Liz Barrett (Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die) is a New-York based stand-up comedian and writer. You’ll remember her one-liners long after you see her. Liz wants people to stop being perfect, and start being real. On her new show Gettin’ By, Liz along with a funny guest, will cover a universal topic, with a comedic approach, and discuss how to relax, chill, and let the small stuff go. Liz is currently recovering from surgery, so the show is on hiatus, but will be back later this fall. Visit lizbarrettcomedy.com or follow Liz @lizcomedy on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for details.

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Liz Barrett
Liz Barrett