Liz’s Listicles: Liz Barrett’s 10 Ways to Tackle Making Your Home Slapdash Clean

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Liz Barrett is a New-York based stand-up comedian and writer. Raised in a military family and having moved all around the world, Liz is deadpan, dry, engaging, and offers shrewd observations about life and womanhood.  You’ll remember her one-liners long after you see her.   Liz has appeared on AXS TV Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die and New York Post Videos. You can also hear her on Raw Dog Comedy on SiriusXM.     Since 2013, Liz has produced her own monthly show Grin and Barrett which has been described as “puntastically named” and “one of the best shows in the city produced by a female comedian.” Liz’s Listicles will appear on theinterrobang.com monthly.  Follow Liz on Twitter @LizComedy and on Instagram @LizComedy.

 

 

Are you just trying to make it through these days? Are you just hanging on and ready to fall out of the hammock, which is life? Are you tired of feeling like you need to be perfect? Comedian Liz Barrett is here to help. Each month, comedian Liz Barrett will provide tips on how you can cut yourself some slack. With her tips, you will not be living your best life, but a perfectly fine life.

This month Liz’s Listicles tackles house cleaning.

Make Your Home Slapdash Clean

There are a few people in the world whose homes are squeaky clean. You know the people who mop the floor so you can eat off of it. Who has time for that? Here are my tips for getting a home clean enough. A home where you would never eat off the floor, but you would not be too nervous using the five second rule if you dropped something on the floor, although you would check for hair. 
1 – Buy anything you can in a color that does not show dirt. Very dark colors and white show the dirt. Avoid at all costs. Plaid is awesome.
2 – Close your curtains and blinds whenever possible. Sunshine is not your friend. Direct light shows ALL the dirt and dust. In fact, living in a dark cave is ideal.

 

Here Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle shows you how to do a slapdash job of cleaning while whipping your hair and singing Karaoke.

 

3 – Use the Non-Cleaners. Clorox Wipes (when available), Windex Wipes, Pledge Wipes – basically any wipes and a Swiffer. That will give you a very half-ass clean.
4 – Never look under anything like the couch, the refrigerator, or the bed. You don’t need to know what is going on there. Let sleeping dust bunnies lie.

 

This short film “Dust Buddies” shows you that dust bunnies have feelings too. Do not break them up.

 

5 – Only clean when something is so filthy you can’t ignore it.
6 – Be strategic about clutter. People will think a place is clean if it isn’t cluttered. On the other hand, some clutter does cover up some dirt. Play the “Clutter Card” smartly. 
7 – Never have your mother in law over, or your mother…basically any mother over who will criticize.  They learned cleaning in the days when people actually used scrub brushes, and they are way out of your cleaning league.

 

Here’s a clip of Mrs. Doubtfire cleaning. Mrs. Doubtfire is a father disguised as a female housekeeper in order to see his children. It is a fantasy movie, not a comedy. As if any man would sign up to vacuum or want to spend more time with his kids.

 

8 – If you cannot keep up with the dishes, it is fine to give yourself permission to use paper plates. Damn the environment sometimes. As my wise friend once said, “Dishes get dirty, dishes get washed, but sometimes paper plates give you a needed vacation.”
9 – When you don’t know what to do, open a window and use Febreeze. Poof. Fresh smell = clean (it’s a scientific fact). Congrats, you have also fought to live another day without cleaning. 
10 – Dust with your hands. If you see something very dusty, and you can’t ignore it, just use your hand. Blow the dust into the air. That is what I like to call a “that will do” dusting. 
Comedian Liz Barrett (Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die) wants people to stop being perfect, and start being real. On her new show Gettin’ By, Liz along with a funny guest, will cover a universal topic, with a comedic approach, and discuss how to relax, chill, and let the small stuff go. Visit lizbarrettcomedy.com or follow Liz @lizcomedy on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for details. 

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Liz Barrett
Liz Barrett