Between dealing with kids, dealing with work, and dealing with Take Your Kids to Work Day, you may have missed some of the most insane things celebrities did this week. Well, have no fear — because Kashmere is here with his finger on the pulse and his eyes on every Instagram account of anyone worth talking about. From Oscar winners to reality TV royalty, to even actually royalty; here are the craziest stories going on this week. Welcome to our newest series, “Did You Hear? With Kashmere!”
Kashmere (also known as Danny Murphy) is a comedian, writer, and pop culture connoisseur (despite not really knowing how to spell connoisseur). He currently writes for Betches and Marie Claire and has also been featured in Glamour, Seventeen and Town & Country. When he’s not drinking red wine or iced coffee while watching Bravo, he’s performing around New York and hosting PASS THE AUX at The Stonewall Inn and DO I SEND IT? at Branded Saloon. Follow his fake reality show AKA his Instagram stories, @kashmeredanny.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year — mainly because calories don’t count. Right?? Please tell me right, because I’m still not recovered from when I went to brunch this weekend and a Santa was there who was thinner than me. Don’t worry, I have filed a proper lawsuit. It’s not my fault every gym closes in December… and if yours didn’t close, then they’re actually running a torture chamber.
You Can’t Handle the Truth — So You Need A Drink:
Alright so while I am eating everything In Plain Sight, I am also always with a drink in hand because that’s what the holidays are all about. To cut a corner a little bit and not make it a total wash, I created a new drink I think we all will love: a LCC, or Low Carb Cosmo. Carrie Bradshaw who? It’s essentially a vodka soda with two splashes of Grenadine and it will take you back to your youth while also sedating you with enough vodka to not be depressed about your youth.
Shocked to Not:
Let’s rank the five most shocking (or not remotely surprising at all) stories from this past week.
Justin Timberlake Is In the Dog House | Following his drunken petting session with a co-star, Jessica Biel will now be joining JT on set to watch her man of the woods. This is kind of like when she got sent away from home in 7th Heaven for drinking half a beer.
The College Admissions Scandal Will Never End | While Felicity Huffman is already opening up her GOOP Guide approved holiday gifts, Lori hasn’t even began her eventual sentence for the college admissions scandal. While the Justice Department is finalizing all the information they have on them, Lori and her husband are doing mock trial interviews — if only she was famous for being Olivia Benson and not Aunt Becky.
Sophia Hutchins Wasn’t Caitlyn Jenners GF Afterall | It looks like Caitlyn is still single and ready to mingle, ladies! So get in line. Cause her alleged younger girlfriend is apparently dating a 30 year old man from Harvard who is a banker, which… now I’m jealous of.
Clint Eastwood’s ‘Richard Jewell’ flops at box office amid controversy| From a touchy subject to reports of it already fabricating story lines in efforts to be more alluring for the sceeen, Richard Jewell only brought in 5 million dollars on its opening weekend. Hopefully Clint has Elizabeth Banks number so they can bond.
Chelsea Lately’s Chuy Passes Away | News outlets reported that he passed away at 63 yesterday, with an outpouring of love from both old coworkers and fans.
The More You Know: Our Weekly Life Lesson From the A-to-Z List
The overarching lesson learned this week? If you’re an A-list celebrity sitting in public with a coworker, don’t touch her leg. Unless you’re comfortable with your wife and millions of people coming at you with tiki torches. Who wants to bet Janet Jackson took the photo?
Blast From the PAST:
In honor of the holiday spirit, let’s remember when Sia gave us the ultimate holiday gift of hilarious shutting down a troll trying to sell a naked picture of her by just.. posting it herself and telling everyone to steam her Christmas album. Swing from the chandelier, girl!
Stream or Scream?:
You need to stream Sugar Rush on Netflix right now because it is such an adorable holiday baking show. Also if you watch it tweet at Netflix and demand that I take over as the host of it cause MY BODY AND ELASTIC PANTS ARE READY.