The 5: Whitney Chitwood’s Top Five Queer Haircuts of All Time

Comedian Whitney Chitwood is making her Stand Up! Records debut with her new album, “The Bakery Case,” out on October 18

With her chronic chainsmoker voice and a jawline that could take down an oak tree, Whitney Chitwood is making one helluva debut on Stand Up! Records. The Chicago-based young comic, whom Maria Bamford called “inspiring,” is 100% against the sexy baby voice and homophobic bakers, and all for forgiving good looking people for anything and moving back in with your mom when you’re incredibly broke. Whether she’s visiting therapeutic wolves or addressing her feminist shortcomings, it’s clear that Whitney’s a force to reckon with in the comedy world.

Whitney has opened for the likes of Eddie Pepitone, Adam Conover, and Rhea Butcher, and is a regular at the Chicago Laugh Factory. She’s also performed at Altercation Comedy Festival, Riot LA, and the Hollywood Improv, and was the first comedian to record a live album at Chicago’s famed jazz club The Green Mill.

Order her album now on iTunes here.

But first, check out her top five queer haircuts! Do you agree with her selections?

#1. Lena Waithe’s Shave. Waithe’s description of her reason for cutting off her long braids was literally, “I felt like I was holding onto a piece of femininity that would make the world feel comfortable with who I am.” Nothing’s queerer then that shit! She looks like the gay Marvel character we all dream of: The Soft Butcherer! Her superpowers are flirting the straight out of women and her sworn enemy is Traditional Gender Roleman.

#2. David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King. No musician has a queerer essence than David Bowie. And no Bowie hair moment was queerer than that static electricity mullet he rocked in Labyrinth. He looked like a white polyamorous, pansexual Tina Turner Drag Queen. Bowie was essentially the Tim Curry in Jim Henson’s Rocky Horror Picture Show where he swapped sex for muppets.

#3. Flat Brim Snapback Straight Hair. Boi oh boi, this hairstyle/head accessory combination may not be well known outside the community, but a flat brim snapback over straight hair indicates a sporty, potentially overly confident lesbian who’s likely to push you against a wall before she kisses you, because she saw it in the movie “Below Her Mouth”. I’m saying all of this as a former F.B.S.S.H. who will occasionally dip her noggin back into the fabric crown.

#4. Cameron Esposito’s Thundercat Side-Mullet. Fellow Chicagoan Cameron Esposito’s iconic do was the subject of numerous bits in front theaters full of the queerest comedy fans in the land. Was it a hairstyle, or was it a satellite that only picked up Tegan & Sara songs? We’ll be forever left wondering. Esposito cut it recently, but that upside-down soup ladle of human hair inspired a swath of tiny babydyk*s’ fashion and could only be queerer if it was made of denim and plaid.

#5. Anything on Top of Tilda Swinton’s Head. Duh.

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