Social Distancing Dispatches with Kashmere: Ian Fidance (Quick Chats With Comedians Waiting Out the Pandemic)

Ian Fidance

Socially distancing from reality seems like a dream, right? How many Friday afternoons did you cry at the fact that you have plans, when all you wanted to do was watch Netflix on your couch with a bottle of wine and no obligations? Well… I guess we all need to be careful what we wished for because that’s our current reality with COVID-19 until 2048 with. Kidding… I hope. I figured because since there are no stand-up shows, podcast tours, or sets to go to with everything shut down — comedians are most likely going stir crazy. And since I’m a nosy bitch, I had to find out just how they were passing the time. As always, I’m Kashmere and these are the Social Distancing Dispatches.

The next comedian coming to the stage, and by stage I do mean my Google Docs, because apparently in 2020 stages no longer exist, is Ian Fidance. Can I say? He’s just as delightful while quarantined as he is when he’s free to roam. You know Ian from his stand-up and also multiple appearances on both Bennington and You Up w/ Nikki Glaser— and on top of that he has created a new comic series all about being quarantined called “Surviving with Gary and Ian.” I mean, he didn’t say this BUT I am going to say it: it’s basically a modern day Grey Gardens, aka one of my favorite stories and a soon-to-be Drew Barrymore TV movie. Follow Ian on Twitter and Instagram here and let’s get into it!

I mean how prepared were you for this? Did you have toilet paper at the ready or were you panic running around to bodegas trying to find like, ramen noodles?   A little birdie told me what time their neighborhood grocery store restocks, so I stroll on over there whenever I need any lil ole thang.

Are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you feel like this is your thrive time or are you making up conversations with inanimate objects.  I have a son who is also a cat, so I always have someone to talk to. All this free time is challenging, but I’m pretty proud of myself for how little time I’ve spent jacking off into oblivion.

Is your lockdown a table for one or are you doing it with roommates / a significant other? What’s the best/worst part of whichever of either doing it alone or with someone.  Thankfully I’ve got a boo thang mama llama, but also like I said earlier – regardless, I have my son that’s a cat so I’m just really grateful for him. If I was totally alone I’d go crazy, but I’m already calling my cat my son, so maybe I already have? LOL also could you imagine trying to get laid during a global pandemic? i’d almost welcome getting AIDS cuz at least we have tests for that.

Have you come up with a random quarantine meal/snack that you would never eat during your normal day-to-day?  Well, if I can speak candidly for a moment – my favorite thing to eat is ass, and apparently you can spread COVID19 that way, so needless to say I’m devastated. As a substitute I’ve been eating a lot of almonds, which in my opinion taste worse and is less heart healthy, but hey – what do I know?

The most random show that you’ve found solace in during this… no need to be embarrassed, I’m rewatching Real Housewives of New Jersey to feel right now.   Been really getting into Disney+

Be honest: when do you start drinking, and how many bottles of wine have you had?  I haven’t had a sip of booze since April 2015 so the only thing I’m sluggin is some mango seltz and a nice bottle of boredom. But when I *was* drinking, I used to fantasize about being laid off so I could drink all day – and then I’d get laid off and I couldn’t drink all day cuz I’d have to go to rehab – so now’s the perfect time to let all my dreams come true!!

What do you want to accomplish during this time that you have been putting off because you “don’t have the time”?  I’ve been meaning to cure cancer, but I just don’t know if I’m even into it anymore, ya know? Cancer was soooo last season. So instead I’ll probably just work on my memoir “Ian Fidance: Black Girl Magic”

Check out more of Ian here!
instagram: @Ianimal
twitter: @ianfidance
ianfidance.com for merch

CHECK OUT: every weekday at 11am him and Gary Vider put out a comic strip about living with a roommate in quarantine called “Surviving with Gary and Ian”

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