The Funniest People on the Planet Make The Funniest Predictions in the Universe for Football’s Biggest Game of the Year: 2018 Edition: Philadelphia Eagles vs New England Patriots

As we do every year, we teamed up with SiriusXM’s Bennington show for Super Bowl Sunday to guarantee we are delivering the best comedy coverage of the biggest football game of the year. As you already know, nothing is more important that knowing what funny people think is going to happen in the game because comedians are well known to be gigantic sports fans. Well, some of them are.

This year, in honor of Super Bowl 52, we asked 52 of the funniest comedians on the planet to make 52 of the funniest predictions in the universe for the biggest sporting event in the United States. Read and listen to those predictions right here, right now, and let us know who you are picking and what score you are foreseeing. This year, its a revisit to a prior Super Bowl- 2004 when the Pats edged out the Eagles by 3; it’s a battle of two places that served as the birthplace of so much American history; it’s the defending champions versus a team that hasn’t been to the big game in 14 years, a back up quarterback vs the leader of a dynasty. It’s five rings vs a first timer, Ben Franklin vs Paul Revere, it’s Rocky vs The Fighter and it’s incredibly exciting. Who ya got?

 

And without further interruption, here are the picks!

 

THEY PICKED THE PATRIOTS!

Joe List. New England 38. Philadelphia [-]10.  New England Patriots are going to win their sixth Super Bowl by a score of 38 to negative 10 because they are vastly superior to the Eagles. Boston is a superior city to Philly. And my penis is bigger than everyone thats ever from Philly. That’s stupid. I should have practiced and rehearsed. Dammit. The Patriots are going to win 42-20. They’re going to win. I hate myself. I love you. Go Pats.

Deon Cole. New England 49. Philadelphia 14. I think that the Patriots will win. Why? Because they always do. I think the score will probably be 49 to 14.

Open Mike Eagle. New England 42. Philadelpia 6.   I haven’t watched the NFL all season long because I’m boycotting cause Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job and he’s better than a lot of people who do have jobs. What I think is going to happen is the Patriots are going to win cause somebody in Philadelphia when they’re returning a kick- and don’t ask me how I know who’s in the game= don’t even bother with that. Somebody is going to be returning a kick and they’re going to break free through all the defense and they’re going to get to the one yard line and they’re going to stop and kneel. And it’s going to make everyone go crazy and then Tom Brady’s going to throw a bunch of touchdowns. Yeah, there’s no way to stop that. But what I do know, Patriots are going to win 42 to 6 or something like that and everybody from Philadelphia is going to beat up the players, then they’re going to walk up 95, and beat up everybody in Boston and its going to start the revolution. This Sunday. Revolution.

Mark Normand. New England 36. Philadelphia 10.  The Saints got robbed, can I say that? That one guy! Should have made the tackle, he had a brain queef, what a douche. I think the Patriots are going to win just because they’ve got a good record and I’m gay and I’m going to go 36 to 10. The dirty birds are going to have a little scoring in there and thats about it, then they’re going to choke. Alright I’ll see you all in Hell.

Ari Shaffir. New England 31. Philadelphia 14.  I’m torn here because if the Eagles lose big Jay is going to cry. But if New England loses I think Joe List might be upset so it’s really who is going to feel the most pain and I feel like Joe List has already gotten his fill of Super Bowl wins so its okay. So I’d rather see Big Jay cry. Plus I’m going to be in Philadelphia that week, playing Helium by the way. I would love to see them riot.  I would love to be in a city where they actually riot. I might stay and watch that. So final score, I’m going to say New England is probably going to win. Lets be honest. They’re fucking good. 31-14.

. New England 32. Philadelphia 20. Alright, of course, I’m picking the Patriots. They’re going to win. Absolutely.I’m going to probably say 32-20. But I’m kind of nervous. I almost want Philadelphia to win because if they don’t the violence that’s going to erupt and Minnesota is going to be a nightmare. They’re going to go nuts. Philly fans are revved up, they’re crazy, they had to grease the poles in downtown Philly so people didn’t climb the poles. They’re throwing shit at people, I mean it’s going to be mayhem. they’re going to go nuts. If they lose, if they win, people are going to die. If they lose it’s going to be real bad. So I’m almost hoping that Philly wins so people don’t die. Cause the Patriots, we’re just a better people now. We are. Patriots fans that are going to the Super Bowl, they’re not guys like me. The old fans. They’re rich people. Alright, that’s my picks so screw .

Josh Adam Meyers. New England 38. Philadelphia 26. Growing up in the Washington DC area I’ve never rooted for the Eagles. Because they’re an NFC East team and I want them to win because I want the town of Philadelphia, even though it’s a shit city, I want them to be able to feel anything other than how shitty their city is. But, I know…without a doubt in my mind, that the Patriots are going to win. Final score 38 to 26, Patriots.

Paul Virzi. New England 32. Philadelphia 20.  Okay, so I think the New England Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. For a couple reasons but the main reason being that their system and the way Brady gets the ball out of his hands quickly is what makes defenses kind of insignificant. So I’m going to say the Patriots win the game because Brady is getting the ball out of his hands quickly and moving the ball down the field. Patriots 32, Eagles 20.

Ian Bagg. New England 24. Philadelphia 14. The Patriots are going to win 24 to 14 and then I think all of Philadelphia will be burnt down to the ground because they wanted to win this game very bad but sadly Patriots win every year. Ask Atlanta. Just look at history. Oh history.

Rell Battle. New England 27. Philadelphia 20.   I’m gonna go with the five-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady. He got 5. You never bet against the house. Okay that guy is God. Last time they lost the Super Bowl they went 16 and 0 that season. So never bet against the Patriots. Never bet against Tom Brady. Tom gonna throw that ball; Belichick is going to cheat and he’s going to go home and sleep with his beautiful supermodel wife.  I got the score 20-27 New England Patriots.

Rich Vos. New England 34. Philadelphia 28.  This Super Bowl- truth be I don’t care who wins. I’m going to bet on this and I’m going to take the over. So I want them both to score as many possible points as they can and hopefully I’ll win enough money to hold on to my house and wife. [fights with Robert Kelly about his house] Listen I was in Boston last week working and it was great. It was a great crowd. So I’m going to have to say I like Boston. 34 to 28. Boston.

Akaash Singh. New England 21. Philadelphia 15. I am rooting, even as a Cowboy fan who is going to watch hopefully the Patriots get in more Super Bowls than the Cowboys, I am rooting actively for New England but I’m not positive they’re going to win. I think Foles could play better than you think because I don’t think New England can really get to him necessarily. I’m still going to pick the Patriots because I can’t pick against them, I’m going to go 21-15. I think it’s going to be similar to Giants-Patriots, I just don’t know if Nick Foles has the ability to pull a horseshoe out of his ass like Eli did.

Gary Gulman. New England 36. Philadelphia 31. The New England Patriots are going to win 36 to 31. It’s going to be a high scoring game but I think Tom Brady’s excellence in Super Bowls and his otherworldly ability to come through in the clutch will lead the Patriots past the Philadelphia Eagles to their sixth Super Bowl Championship.

Pete Lee. New England 42. Philadelphia 38.  I predict that the score at halftime will be Eagles 38, Patriots 7, but then Roger Goodell is going to give the Patriots the Eagles playbook at halftime and the Patriots will win 42-38 in the end.

Nate Bargatze. New England 27. Philadelphia 21. I think the Patriots are going to win. I know it’s going on a limb. I thought Jacksonville would beat the Patriots. So they didn’t and now I’m not going against them. I think we’re running towards the end of the Patriots Dynasty. I think they get one more…and I think they win 27 to 21. Patriots.

Barry Crimmins. New England 24. Philadelphia 19. My algorithms were off a little bit when I offered my original calculation. We made some repairs. And the score of this years Super Bowl will be New England 24, Philadelphia 19. Why? Because we love horses.

Nick DiPaolo. New England 28. Philadelphia 24.  The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. The score is going to be 28-24 Pats. Couple reasons.  Tom Brady is a hunk.  Just a piece of ass. And we have some really fast black guys. Lot of fast black guys. Black guys run like the wind. So I figure, we have more fast black guys than the Eagles do. Eagles have some fat black guys with some fat white guys mixed in. Patriots 28-24. Again, Tom Brady is pretty; fast black guys.

Tammy Pescatelli. New England 24. Philadelphia 20. Hey so I think the real winner of the Super Bowl is going to be Janet Jackson’s nipples because this time they get to stay home and they don’t have to be out in that Minnesota cold. Honestly, though, I think it’s going to be the Patriots. When Tom Brady is on, and Gronk is going to come back from his concussion- it’s unstoppable. So I think it’s the Patriots, 24-20 over the Eagles.

Doug Stanhope. New England 27. Philadelphia 24.  Super Bowl this year, borefest. I’m from New England and I’m bored with the fucking Patriots. Eagles fans, you know what? As far as comedy goes, you’re fantastic when I play there. As far as football, fucking idiots, you need more things to do with your day. So I’m rooting against the Eagles fans. Love the Nick Foles story. Hope that it goes somewhat weird. At least last year the Patriots made it interesting. It was the first overtime Super Bowl. They made it fantastic. Except for the first three quarters that were boring as fuck. I predict boring as fuck. I predict the Patriots will win by 3, 27-24 in a very unthrilling event that hopefully stops us from all rooting for young steroid riddled men to get concussions and kill themselves in the heart with a shotgun at 48.

Scout Durwood. New England 24. Philadelphia 21. I gotta go with the Patriots, not because I think they’re better, but because I think that nothing in history has ever been fair and they’re going to keep winning, whatever it takes. I gotta go with the Pats. And I think they’re going to win with a last minute field goal so let’s go 24-21 Pats.

PICKED THE PATRIOTS BUT WANT THE EAGLES!

Christian Finnegan. New England 412. Philadelphia 9. I am actually from Massachusetts so what that means is I actually hate the Patriots with a burning passion, I hate all of the sports teams that I grew up with because all of the people who liked them made my life miserable so I would route for Hezbolah if they were playing the Patriots, but I have to admit that it seems pretty likely that the Patriots will win again because if the last couple years have taught us anything its that evil always wins and hope is nothing but a sign of a weak soul. So I am going to go Patriots 412 to 9.

. New England 24. Philadelphia 20.  I’m a Miami Dolphin fan. I’d love for the Patriots to lose but they’re not.  You just look at the quarterbacks. Tom Brady, against Nick Foles. There you go right there. That’s– you know- George Carlin versus and emcee working at a club in Tampa.  So it comes down to the quarterbacks. New England is going to win, unfortunately, but I’ll be rooting for the Eagles. But barring a miracle, it’s not going to happen. The Patriots make unbelievable adjustments at halftime even if they’re down, they can make adjustments come back in the second half. It will be close and New England will win 24 to 20.

Rory Albanese. New England 34. Philadelphia 17. Sad to say, I think the Patriots are going to win.  As a Giants fan, the last thing I want to do is root for the Eagles. But I’m rooting for the Eagles cause the Patriots are the Devil.  I think the score is going to be 34-17 and no one is going to watch after the second half because we cannot watch Tom Brady be happy again. I can’t have it.

Noah Gardenschwartz. New England 30. Philadelphia 17. Okay I’d like to go on the record as saying I will be rooting for the Philadelhpia Eagles, however, even though I hate the Patriots, I think they’re going to win the Super Bowl 30 – 17 because they ahave Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, and an insane amount of white receivers who somehow produce in the NFL and then two running backs who both can catch the ball out of the backfield and I just don’t trust Nick Foles and I think the Super Bowl MVP will be Rob Gronkowki and afterwards he is going to give an absolutely retarded victory speech which has nothing to do with the fact that he was concussed last week.

THEY PICKED THE EAGLES!

Big . Philadelphia.  No Score Given. I don’t think…I know the Philadelphia Eagles are going to win. And I know why. It’s because they’re a team of destiny. Nick Foles is going to lead us to the promised land the way we all knew a white, blue eyed, blond haired man would one day.

Nick Youssef. Philadelphia 97. New England 3.  Without question, without a doubt, the Eagles will win this year’s super bowl. I think the score is going to be 97 to 3, Eagles.  Brady and Belichick are the Trump and Bannon of sports. I want as many batteries and objects thrown onto the field as possible. I think someone will come through for the NFL and for this great country, and I think it might even be a Prius battery that lands on Brady taking him out and then they’re just going to run the score up.

. Philadelphia 47. New England 10. I think the Eagles are going to win by 37. The score is going to be 47-10 because I think Tom Brady chokes in big spots. He’s one of those guys where he has a good defense but he’s known for not getting the job done and when they’re losing he quits.  So I have a feeling that as soon as they go down, Brady just kind of folds up his tent and goes home.  And I think Brady just kind of chokes. Look is he a hall of famer? Probably. I mean he’s got a shot but I just think that he’s very overrated and I think that the coaching is decent but I think what happened is they’ve relied a lot on cheating. So I take the Eagles by 37.

Joe DeRosa. Philadelphia 42. New England 0. Philadelphia native Joe DeRosa. My pick is the Eagles to win! Why? Cause Philly Rocks bro. And its gonna be a massacre. 42 – 0

Chad Zumock. Philadelphia 36. New England 0.  Philadelphia Eagles will win the Super Bowl. braThe score will be 36- 0. Blowout. Tom Brady will get injured on the first play and it will be the end of the Patriots. This is coming from an 0 and 16 Browns fan.

Chris Laker. Philadelphia 34. New England 0. I say the Eagles are going to win, because I don’t like Tom Brady, which isn’t a good reason to pick them but I’m going to do it anyway. And it will be 34 to 0.

Amy Miller. Philadelphia 36.  New England 4.  I have my money on the Philadelphia Eagles. My prediction is 36 to 4. I pick Philadelphia because I love the Benningtons, I love cheeze whiz and Philly is the city where the most men on the street tell me how beautiful I am.

Dave Temple. Philadelphia 38. New England 14.  I think the Eagles are going to win because I’m a Philadelphian and I’m legally required to say that. The score will be 38 to 14, free Wawa for everybody.

Dan Soder. Philadelphia 28. New England 4. I pick the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl. I think they’re going to win 28 to 24 over the Patriots and why I think that way is cause they’re going to make , Big Jay Oakerson and Mike Vecchione all very happy. And that would make me happy. And whoooof, I was worried about giving this pick, I heard Shane Gillis really bombed, so I’m just glad I didn’t you know? I’m glad I did well. Glad I nailed it. Glad I just stepped in the pocket and just fucking dunked that pick. Eat it Gillis. Even though he’s cheering for the Eagles too. Go Birds!

Cipha Sounds. Philadelphia 21. New England 5. Yo, Big Game is going down.  New England vs Philly. We all know Philly is going to win this. I’ll tell you why.  Philly went through a lot of rough patches this year.  Meek Mill got locked up for doing what? Poppin wheelies. got exposed for cheating.  And then , we know how that went down. So Philly needs a win right now. The score is going to be 21 to 5. Philly.

Avery Pearson. Philadelphia 45. New England 31.  Does anyone win if Tom Brady wins another Super Bowl? I mean I grew up a Bills fan and it’s just a nightmare. And growing up as a Bill fan you learned that when you turn to your father after the fourth lost super bowl, there wasn’t anything he could do. That’s when I learned that my dad was just a man and then, later on, I learned a lot more and realized that he wanted to be my father and not my friend. It doesn’t matter- I married into an Eagles family. They’re going to win the Super Bowl. I pray the Patriots lose and I don’t know if that’s cutting off my fan base in Boston. I don’t know if I have a fanbase in Boston. I love you guys but its enough. We get it. …I’m going to call the New England Patriots in a loss meaning the Philadelphia Eagles in a win.  …. The score is going to be Eagles 45, Patriots 31 and guess what, the Patriots are going to have a field goal when the clock’s about to run out and they’re going to miss and its going to feel great. What, the math doesn’t work out.  34 to 31. 34 Eagles, 31 Patriots. You heard it here first, or second if someone else called that.

Paul Morrissey.Philadelphia 35. New England 21. My Super Bowl prediction is New England Patriots trying to preserve a legacy, finish on top, but, my prediction is the Eagles, with the upset, 35 to 21. Because you gotta go underdog. There’s something with the Patriots – they’re too cocky. I feel like its the Eagles year.  Mortgage the house. Put the car. Eagles. +14.

Keith Robinson.Philadelphia 24. New England 17.  I think the score 24-17, Philadelphia Eagles. Yes, the Philadelphia Eagles win their first NFL Super Bowl and Nick Foles is going to have one helluva game. That’s gonna be the winning combination. Nick Foles is going to put it all together and have a helluva game, get MVP and get a big giant contract and then bust with the next team he’s going with.  So you heard it from me. Keith Robinson. Philadelphia Eagles the first Super Bowl in their entire existence.

Tim Butterly. Philadelphia 24.  New England 14. Alright, so it’s going to be 24-14 Eagles.  And the difference in the game is going to be that at least one Eagles fan is going to sneak a pocketful of batteries into the stadium and at least injure one of the refs that are going to be trying to sway it in New England’s favor.  Tom Brady’s going to retire on the field.  And everyone named Maureen in northeast Philly is going to get finger pregnant.

Scott Rogowsky. Philadelphia 31. New England 24. Pats, Eagles? I’m going to say if the Eagles show up with their full arsenal of D Batteries, they’re going to win this thing, 31-24. Eagles!

Derek Gaines. Philadelphia 14. New England  7.  The team that’s going to win the Super Bowl- me being from Philly- is the Eagles. And they’re going to win 14-7 Eagles. Because that defense ain’t gonna let up. Brady gonna get some off, but the will of this team is whats gonna bring us. Because the Patriots cheat. The refs gonna be playing for New England. You know this. So therefore I’m with Philly. Mad defense. It’s going to be a slow ass game but they are going to fight till the very last second.

Liza Treyger. Philadelphia 32. New England 27.  So, I think the Eagles are going to win because the Patriots have had enough.  No one likes them. It’s too many championships. Also, I know a lot of people from Philly. They’re desperate, they need something. And Philly Cheesesteaks are so good. And so I want them to win. I don’t really know any players on any teams. Except for Tom Brady. So I don’t know if their skills are good- defense, offense- but as a city I’m all about Philly right now. And these birds. I think the score is going to be tight as hell. I think it’s going to be like 32-27. Is that possible?

Peggy O’Leary. Philadelphia 26. New England 21. So what’s up. I think the Eagles are definitely going to win not just because I love them so much, but because the city needs it and fuck it. He’s a backup quarterback.  Give it up for Nicky Foles. I believe its going to go 26-21 Eagles.

Monroe Martin III. Philadelphia 30. New England 26. I think that the Eagles are going to take it. I know we’re going into the Super Bowl with a second string QB, but he got more to prove and I think the actual final score is gonna be 30-26.

Tommy Pope. Philadelphia 31. New England 27. Everybody knows what the Patriots and Brady can do so I’m not going to jerk him off like the analysts will do all week. I’m from Philly so my pick will be obvious. The Eagles have a proven track record as an underdog so I’m going to ride that out. They’ve proven that they’re an elite team in the playoffs and are able to overcome obstacles, which is fucking great. And we’re on this underdog quest like I said and I think the country’s on our side as well, and outside of how white trash our fanbase behaves…  If we pressure Brady with our dominant four-man rush I think that if we can get a couple turnovers, that anything can happen at this level.  So I think it will come down to last drive, Philly wins, 31-27 and goddamn it , I’m nervous.

Tommy Johnagin. Philadelphia 31. New England 28. I’m taking the Eagles straight up. I think Tom Brady’s going to get destroyed. The Eagle’s front line is going to win this whole game for them. And my final score is Eagles 31, Patriots 28.

Brad Williams. Philadelphia 28. New England  25.  Alright, everybody. Here’s what’s going to happen in the game. Because you come to a midget for your football knowledge. When you want to know what 6’4 black guys are going to do on the field you come to a white midget from Orange County. Okay, here’s the game. It’s going to be the Eagles and they’re going to win 28 to 25. That’s right, Eagles by 3. And that’s who should win it. You should not be rooting for the Patriots. Rooting for the Patriots to win another Super Bowl is like rooting for Leonardo DiCaprio to bang another Super Model. Oh please person who is the best. Oh please get one more thing that makes you better than everyone else. Give it to somebody else. This time it’s the Eagles and its going to be a great game. Enjoy the game. Eat some bad food. Drink some drinks. Pass out and enjoy the best unofficial holiday that America has to offer. Go Eagles!

Mike Vecchione. Philadelphia 27. New England 24.  I am going with the Philadelphia Eagles over the New England Patriots. The Eagles 27, the Patriots 24. It’s going to be a tight game but I think Nick Foles picks up where he left off and hits people down the field, gets the ball out of his hands and we score a lot and our defense tightens up when they need to and they shut down Tom Brady. Everybody’s in shock. The Philadelphia goes crazy, cars are overturned, things are set on fire, cartwheels in the street. It’s mayhem, but Liberty at the same time.

Shane Gillis.  Philadelphia 27. New England 24. Tom Brady’s a maggot hat wearing white supremacist which, I love that shit. But I’m in Philly, gotta go with the Birds. I’m going 27-24 Eagles. The D Line just gets in that Tiki Torch carrying guys’ butt. You know what I’m talking about. scoutEagles 27, Patriots 24.

Jeremiah Watkins. Philadelphia 27. New England 26.  It’s gotta be the Philadelphia Eagles this time. Because the Patriots — they’ve had enough wins. Yes, there’s injuries on the Eagles side but Patriots without Gronk spearheading the front line? No, its not going to happen for em. I’m going to call it. It’s going to be close though. I’m going to say the Eagles are going to take it, 27 to 26. Yep that’s what I’m calling it.

Ian Fidance. Philadelphia. No Score Given.  It’s not who I think it’s who I know, and its them Philadelphia Fucking Eagles. That’s right. And I have no factual basis behind it. Only just that I grew up 45 minutes outside of Philadelphia. I couldn’t even name one player on the team but legally if I don’t root for them then I can never go back home again. Its going to be Eagles over the Vikings, definitely take the spread, 69 to nothing. And its going to be a real rip roaring time and I can’t wait to tell everyone I’ve always loved the eagles I’ve always loved the birds and I’m just so proud of my birds.

NEITHER TEAM PICKED!

Matteo Lane. Janet Jackson. 100 to -5.  So I think probably Janet Jackson is going to win because she deserves to come out there and kick ass and I hate Justin Timberlake. And the score will be 100 to -5 and I’ll probably be watching with a bunch of gays screaming at the television. 105 Janet Jackson, -5 Justin Timberlake.