Comedians Pick 27 Sickest Moves To Bring To Your Next Metal Mosh Pit Show

Published by Tim Unkenholz at June 5, 2016

12790884_10153977585013784_1775510968898865086_n

Comedians Tim Unkenholz and Justin Hancock run a metal-themed comedy show at the Tender Trap in Greenpoint Brooklyn. It’s called Buttery Riffz. Their next show goes down June 14th.

We, the gross hosts of Buttery Riffz Metal Comedy Show love shitty metal music. So when we decided to make a comedy showcase, we couldn’t resist exposing our favorite comics (some of whom have appeared on Conan and Comedy Central) to the heralding sound of gloriously abrasive metal from the darkest corners of the genre, including black metal, sludge, metalcore and even some shit-kicking classics. The show is every second Tuesday of the month at 9pm at Tender Trap in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, our next one being June 14th featuring the metal-as-fuck Eli Sairs (Wildcats), Nicole Conlan (UCB Maude), Stavros Halkias (DC’s Bentzen Ball), Aaron Kominos-Smith (MTV’s “Yo Momma”) and Jordan Raybould.

In preparation to the carnage, we’ve compiled a list of the most brutal mosh pit moves that will curry favor with the Metal Gods and exalt you amongst your headbanging peers!

1. The Uber Pit. Dig an actual pit beneath the mosh pit and continue thrashing until the next song, when you dig ANOTHER pit beneath that pit. Keep going until you reach lava.

2. The Noble Soldier. When your favorite band has completed their set, vow to continue moshing for them in the lands beyond, before falling onto your broad sword.

3. The Eulogizer. When the singer holds the mic to your face, instead of screaming the lyrics to the song, pray for his many sins to the Good Christian Lord.

4. Mr. Sass. In the quiet before the next breakdown, wag your finger and yell, “I don’t think so mhmmm!”

5. The Handy Father. During the show, take a look around the room for something that needs fixing. When the final breakdown of the final song hits, run towards it and start tinkering. Make sure to yell to your son that he should learn how to “fraking” do this himself one day and to “hold the flashlight steady!”

6. The Noble Hunt. It is customary in metal nobility to invite the thanes of shred to a hunt. Release increasingly dangerous animals into the venue (starting with a marmot and ending with a mighty boar), providing your guests with ample meat for the night’s festivities.

7. The Occupy Movement. Organize a protest on the stage to TAKE DOWN BIG SOUND!

8. Literally Everyone Is Doing This. Start a metal-themed podcast in the middle of the floor. Spend the first 20 minutes of the podcast figuring out technical errors. By the end of the night, everyone in the crowd will probably have their own podcast, and you can pull together to create a podcast network that will definitely succeed.

9. Captain Party. Get so high that you forget you’re actually an old sea captain named Rusty who doesn’t even like metal music and should probably return to his ship, The Old Shady Lady.

buttery riffz

10. Pitman Begins. Flee the country and train with Ra’s al Ghul for many years, only to return once you’ve embraced your greatest fear and bring justice to the metal show.

11. The Particle Collider. There’s nothing more metal than using electromagnetic fields to propel charged particles to light speed. Use a SuperCollider to make them atoms MOSH!

12. The Game of Thrones. As the show progresses, conquer each corner of the venue so that you are worthy to sit upon the Metal Iron Throne (made of guitar necks instead of swords) and wield unspeakable power over the realm.

13. It’s Showtime! Get lowered from the ceiling into the pit like Sting from the WWE. But remember kids, safety first, so remember to wear several harnesses, (which may take the entire duration of the show to remove.)

14. Legal Zoom. Bring a probate attorney to the show and instruct him to give all your possessions to the band and their families should you die in the pit with honor.

15. The Good Bitch. Have a great time, help clean up the venue after the show, and wake up at 10 am the next morning to attend a youth jazz concert at the local Y.

16. The Crossing Guard. Wear your whitest white gloves, bring your shiniest whistle and direct the traffic of the mosh.

17. The Homecoming. Step 1: Invite your estranged father to a basement deathcore show. Step 2: Make amends with your lost papa. 3: Mosh your newly warmed heart while crying tears of joy.

18. Going Viral Baby! Live tweet every single note the band plays and relay it in a condescending tone. Ex: “F flat again? Are you kidding me? How passe!” Then watch the rolling tsunami of new followers.

19. Metal Guess Who. You and your friend each choose someone in the pit to be your “person.” Throughout the show ask questions like, “Does your person have an ICP tattoo?” And if he does, proceed to roundhouse kick anyone with a hatchet man tattoo in their shit-music loving face.

20. The Blackfish. Passionately protest that metal bands should be in their natural habitat and not be forced to rock out in man-made enclosures for human enjoyment. As the band leaves the venue, smile as they “Free Willy” over you into their Ram Promaster.

21. The Soccer Mom. Bring orange slices for the entire pit to be enjoyed during the show’s halftime. However, make sure these are BLOOD oranges, for these are the most brutal of all fruits.

22. The Dark Prince of Litigiousness. Wear a neck brace to the show and claim you were head banging too hard at the last show, and threaten to “sue the pants (or should we say cargo shorts?)” off anyone who proceeds to thrash at an unreasonable level in your vicinity.

23. The Heavy Cheddar. Set up a stand next to the merch table and unveil your new line of homemade cheese products.

24. The Punky Brewster. Go up to the biggest metalhead at the show, grab him by the head and put his hair into cute lil’ pigtails while whispering into his ear, “You’re a pretty little orphan girl, aren’t you?”

25. The Diaper Boy. Wear adult diapers to the show, and when someone asks you, “Are you pooing in your pants?” You shrug and say, “I dunno it depends!” And then wink at them for an uncomfortable amount of time.

26. The Forrest Gump. As soon as you enter the venue, exclaim “Momma told me to do this,” and run at a full sprint the entire show, giving a knowing nod when people yell, “Run Forrest, run!”

27. The Awkward Summer Camp Friend. Take a bunch of fun/silly pictures at the metal show! Afterwards, go to Target and get them to make a montage on a CD-ROM to Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” and show it at metal graduation.