Once again we teamed up with SiriusXM’s Bennington show for Super Bowl Sunday to guarantee we are delivering the best comedy coverage of the biggest sports event of the year. Of course nothing is more important that knowing what funny people think is going to happen in the game. This is the coverage ESPN wishes they had.
This year for Super Bowl 53, we asked 50 of the funniest comedians on the planet to make 50 of the funniest predictions in the universe. Read and listen to those predictions right here, right now. This year’s game is a classic battle of a dynasty team vs an underdog. East coast versus west coast. The land of the rich and powerful versus the street smart down and dirty. Hot versus cold. History versus the future. Brady vs Goff. It’s five rings vs a first timer, Paul Revere vs. Hollywood, and it’s incredibly exciting. Who ya got?
And without further interruption, here are the picks!
Scott Rogowsky. Los Angeles 36. New England 21. The Rams are going to win, because I want them to win. By a lot. To punish those bastards who call themselves Patriots. They’re not real Americans. Wait…I think most of them are actually. I think the score is going to be 36-21. But still. Rams, Go Rams.
Pete Lee. Los Angeles 42. New England 28. In this year’s Super Bowl I predict that it will be the Rams defeating the New England Patriots by a score of 42 to 28. The reason why I think the Los Angeles Rams are going to win is because I lived in Wisconsin when the Packers won the Super Bowl twice, I lived in New York City when the Giants won the Super Bowl, twice and now I’m living in Los Angeles, and they are going to win the Super Bowl while I live there. So if there are any Cleveland Browns fans listening, I will move to your city.
Jade Catta Preta. Los Angeles 20. New England 10. I don’t know much about football but I know that Tom Brady is hot as ????. I think the Rams are going to win because we need it. L.A. needs the support, L.A. needs the excitement. I think the score is going to be 10 hot points for Tom Brady, 20 hot points for whoever is on the Rams who’s also hot. Cool. Go Football.
Derek Gaines. Los Angeles 37. New England 18. I think the winning team is gonna be the Rams, 37-18. I know that’s a weird score, cause the Rams are the Underdogs and I love when the Pats lose. It’s a David and Goliath thing, once again. My Eagles did it last year and now it’s the Rams turn. Keep killing the Pats.
Roy Wood Jr. Los Angeles 42. New England 33. Final score. And I’m going out on an even bigger limb. Jared Goff, four touchdowns, 350 yards, Super Bowl MVP. I know you picked the Patriots, Norton. I know you did. I know you did.
Mitchell Walters. Los Angeles 30. New England 22. It’s gonna be a great Sunday. I’ve spoken to Ronnie’s friend Flathead. He likes New England at 37 to 27. I on the other hand like the Rams, 30 to 22. That’s all I got to say, it should be a great Sunday.
Joe Machi. Los Angeles 34. New England 27. I’ll tell you what, New England’s not going to be able to know the Rams plays this time. So its going to be a lot different than a few years back. Goff and Gurley are gonna send Tom Brady back home to his Super Model wife without a Super Bowl ring.
Ian Fidance. Los Angeles 13. New England 7. I don’t know anything about football but I know the Rams are going to beat the Patriots becaUse the Rams don’t have any Italians on their team. I just think the Rams need to take control of the pass rush percentage and really beat em to the goal line, you know? I think the Patriots, I really think the Rams are going to take control of the quarterback…handoff. At the end of the day I think the score is going to be 13 to 7 Rams.
Paul Morrissey. Los Angeles 31. New England 27. I live in L.A. right now so I’m rooting for the Rams. I think Jared Goff is the next Tom Brady and my final score is 31, 27. Rams will defeat Tom Brady and the Patriots in the Super Bowl and L.A. will become a football city.
Avery Pearson. Los Angeles 27. New England 23. Another Patriots Super Bowl. I’m a Bills fan. I live in L.A. I gotta go Rams of course, because I just can’t take it anymore and I’m trying to figure out..I think its not how many points are going to be scored during the game. It’s like how long is Brady going to do this to me? I feel like he’ll be around another five years, I’ll be 46. So based off that I’m going to split that in two. The Patriots are going to score 23 points, the Rams are going to get 27, and that’s going to be the final score. And lets just prey to god that I don’t have to watch Brady win another Super Bowl. It’s enough. On behalf of every other team, just stop. I can’t do it anymore man. We were terrible for what feels like 50 years and now its Brady. I just want to end the suffering. For America.
Amy Miller. Los Angeles 38. New England 35. I have to go with the Rams cause I live in L.A.. Big year for us. Rams a good animal. And I live in L.A. I care about astrology and shit, Ram is like an aires, stubborn, powerful, my sister’s an aires, she’s a bitch, but I love her. I gotta go Rams. Also fuck the Patriots. So boring! Rams, 38 to 35.
Brad Williams. Los Angeles 37. New England 33. We’re getting read for the big game. You want to know who is gonna win. Who is taking home the trophy. Well only I, Brad Williams will be able to tell you. This country has gone through a lot of issues, everyone’s upset so finally the nation is going to get a win. We are going to get a W for the U S of A- because the Patriots are going to lose. That’s right. The Rams are going to win, everyone is going to be happy except for the 14 Massholes that are actual Patriots fans. But what about the good people who are Patriots fans? Really? Do you want all those accents telling you how great the fuckin Patriots are? Oh fawking Tom Brady, greatest fawkin quataback of all time. No you don’t want that. The Rams are going to win. It’s going to be 37-33. It’s going to be a close game, they’re going to pull it out, the Rams are going to win. They have a stronger defense and they have a more dynamic offense. They dont have the goat but they have an innovative young good looking head coach. Man is he sexy. I’m not saying I’m gay but I’d go gay for McVay. In fact that’s how I’m going to do my hashtags, #gayformcvay enjoy the big game everybody.
Liza Treyger. Los Angeles 30. New England 27. Unless you voted for Trump you should be wanting the Rams to win. No one is for the Patriots. Tom Brady does not need more things. He’s not good news. Definitely Rams Rams Rams, I heard they have a male cheerleader, they just moved to L.A. in the sunshine, and I hate St. Louis. It’s the worst city in America so I’m glad that they moved and they’re going to win. It’s going to be close for sure. Is 32 27 possible? 30-27. Rams.
Rich Vos. Los Angeles 3. New England 0. I am going to go with the Rams and I’ll let you know why. I played on the Rams in Little League. Mr. Gatty was our coach, his son Tony played on the team and we were a pretty good team. Although I played center. And when you play center on a team, its pretty much, hey where can we put him. So I played in sports league on the Rams I think for two years but then I went to Pop Warner and guess what I played center there too. Anyhow, I was a good ballplayer, so I went back to the other league and I was drafted by the Bears where I played halfback but our team stunk. Anyhow so I was a Rams fan throughout my life or throughout 9th grade adn then I started getting high and i quit watching football. But now that the Rams moved back to L.A.– when they went to St. Louis I just disregarded them– now they’re back in L.A. I’m a big Rams fan. SO I think its going to be a great game, I think its going to be low scoring. I’m going to go Rams 3, Patriots 0. Lowest scoring Super Bowl in history. Now if you’re smart out there, knowing I took the Rams, you take the opposite because I am the worst when it comes to picking games. Thank you. RichVos.com.
Bert Kreischer. Los Angeles 44. New England 43. The Los Angeles Rams are going to beat the New England Patriots. Although part of me wants Tom Brady to win, because I feel like when Tom Brady wins, me as a white guy wins somehow. But I have a feeling that the Rams are going to beat the Patriots, 44 to 43. It’s going to be the game of the century!
Seaton Smith. Los Angeles 36. New England 35. I don’t know if this is actually true or not but I’m going to say Raiders win, 35 to 36. No not raiders, Rams. Rams are going to beat the Patriots by one point. Just cause I want to see Tom Brady end his career how he started it. I want him to find out three weeks later that the Rams somehow cheated and beat the Patriots that way. Thats kind of the perfect story in my head.
David Cross. New Orleans 108 Kansas City 67
I think that its going to end up being 108 to 67, Saints over the Chiefs. I think once the offense reviews both games they’ll see that the Saints- who I fucking hate, I loathe, hate the Saints, were clearly robbed. And Kansas City? Come on that guy was like 3 inches in the neutral zone, that was ridiculous. Terrible call. I mean its legit, but come on thats pretty petty and they would have won the game. So, I think what they’ll do is let the Pats and the Rams play the Super Bowl in Atlanta, but then they’ll have the Super Duper Bowl and this will be in Hawaii and it will be a much better game and instead of Maroon 5 it will be the Replacements and Bikini Kill doing the halftime show. And then as much as I hate the Saints, I think they’ll beat Kansas City. And it will have one of those entire pig roast things on the field, so they’ll have to avoid that stuff but then everyone will get fed. For free. And all the money will go to Colin Kaepernick. So that’s my prediction.
Jim Norton- Kansas City Chiefs 17. Other Team 0/Los Angeles 3. New England 0. “I’m picking the Chiefs 17-nothing.”
It’s a few days later. Im an asshole, when I picked the Chiefs 17-0, I think was the score, I wasn’t being ironic or trying to be funny, I really thought they were in the Super Bowl, so I’m going to take the Rams, 3-0.
Tammy Pescatelli. One of the Teams 30. The Other Team 24.You got the fair weather fans in the Rams- if they don’t score in the first half, people are gonna leave- all the Los Angeles fake good haircut bars. I gotta say 24 to 30. I think there are going to be a couple of field goals that are miffed all the way around. Yeah that’s what I think.
Christi Chiello. New England 100. Los Angeles 0. I think the Patriots are definitely going to win the Super Bowl because of Tom Brady who is… I dunno my dad tells me he’s the greatest football player of all time. And he’s also very cute. And I think that the final score is going to be 100 Patriots, Zero, the other team. I already forgot who the other team is, it doesn’t matter. Go Patriots! And I’m from Rhode Island.
Ari Shaffir. New England 96. Los Angeles 7. Go with the Patriots everybody. It’s going to be the Patriots. You may not have expected it. You may not want it. But that’s a new reality in America. Patriots represent white men. And guess what, they’re not giving up their throne. Obviously MVP Tom Brady, personal friends with Donald Trump. It all fits together you guys. Patriots 96, Rams 7.
Casey Balsham. New England 44. Los Angeles 14. I think as much as we all want the Patriots to lose, they’re gonna win and they’re gonna win by a lot. I think that the Patriots are at least going to score in the 40s. I know that’s a lot but Tom Brady is a robot and the fact of the matter is they probably won’t lose. Final score 44, to 14. I dont even know if that’s the right math for football.
Jeremiah Watkins. New England 35. Los Angeles 14. Unfortunately I think the Patriots are going to take it once again. I think the final score is going to be Patriots 35, Rams 14. This is going to happen because Tom Brady is a demon. He is a zombie that won’t die. He beat my precious Kansas City Chiefs in overtime. That shouldn’t have happened. It should have been Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Rams with KC Chiefs taking the victory back home. That didn’t happen, the Patriots are going to beat them unfortunately now, and its another sad loss for Los Angeles.
Big Jay Oakerson. New England 37. Los Angeles 15. The Patriots win. By a lot. And I’m saying that because I want the Eagles to have been the only team to come in with a crazy upset. Oh has that happened twice already Giants? No one cares. I think the final score — 37 to 15.
Monroe Martin. New England 41. Los Angeles 23. Yo, I think the final score is gonna be 23, 41 and not even because I like either team, just because I know Tom Brady’s got something to prove. Because that’s how much he got beat. The Eagles beat him at 41 so he’s going to destroy the Rams and make sure that they win. Whatever the fuck the Rams get, he’s got 41. And I hate that I’m even predicting that the Patriots win. Uch.
Adam Ferrara. New England 31. Los Angeles 13. Whose gonna win the Super Bowl? It’s going to be the Patriots. You know why? Cause I’m a Jets fan and that’s the way it goes. When Tom Brady dies, you’re going to have to drive a wooden stake through his heart just to make sure. So I think the Patriots are going to win and I think they’re going to kill them. I really think they’re going to kill em. 31, 13. That’s what I’m doing. And I’m not happy about it. I gotta lay down.
Mark Normand. New England 38. Los Angeles 21. Hey hey! Still mad about the Saints. COME ON! We needed that! The whole city is in shambles. Patriots or Rams. I want the Rams to win but I think the Pats will take it, then Brady will probably kill himself. 38 to 21.
Shane Gillis. New England 42. Los Angeles 28. I’m going to go Patriots 42, Rams 28. Blowout. And Tom Brady, that’s why.
Lenny Clarke. New England 34. Los Angeles 21. Hey Kids. 34-21. Bill Belichick is going to set up an evil genius plan and ruin everyone’s party in L.A.
Anthony DeVito. New England 31. Los Angeles 17. I think the Patriots are going to win like 31 to 17. I’m just furious. I hate watching them in the Super Bowl. The only team that can beat them are the Giants and I guess the Eagles too but I don’t really count that.
Jimmy Shubert. New England 37. Los Angeles 24. I think the Patriots are going to win; the final score is gonna be 37-24. I think the Patriots are going to win because I don’t think the Rams should be there in the first place. They got a good call on the play- it should be the Saints but they’re gonna lose. I think the Rams are going to lose. I shouldn’t say that cause I’m from Los Angeles but I don’t care. I think the Patriots are going to kill em. Tom Brady is going to get his sixth ring and that’s it. You heard it here first.
Earl Skakel. New England 34. Los Angeles 21. As a diehard Pittsburgh Steeler fan its very hard for me to make this prediction but I do believe the Patriots will win, I dont think the Rams are quite there yet. I think the Rams have the better defense, but I think the Patriots have the better offense and the evil genius of Bill Belichick. I think Sean McVey is a great coach. But he has no clue as to what he’s in for with the evil schemes that Belichick and Brady will devise. It’s like Darth Vadar and the evil Emperor. Too tough to go up against right now. Nine Super Bowl appearances don’t lie. Earl Skakel a diehard Pittsburgh Steeler fan, killing him to do this. I think the Patriots will will 34 to 21. That is all, from Los Angeles.
Paul Virzi. New England 34. Los Angeles 23. The New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl. 34 to 23. The reason I say that is they’re going to do exactly what they did against the Chargers and the Chiefs. They’re going to control the clock, run the ball, and I just gotta take that coach and that QB. Edelman, Gronkowski, and you know you’re going against a first year coach, first year QB in that game, so I gotta go with the Patriots 34 to 23.
Greg Stone. New England 36. Los Angeles 26. The score? 36, 26 Colts. Wait what? Patriots Rams? Patriots, 36-26. Here’s why. Because I dont like them and God doesn’t seem to want to play for me.
Nimesh Patel. New England 31. Los Angeles 21. I have the Patriots winning by a wide margin because the devils always win. I hope the Rams win, but Tom Brady is satan and I think the score will be 31-21.
Gary Gulman. New England 36. Los Angeles 28. I am picking the New England Patriots to win 36 to 28. I think they’re going to win because what I’ve noticed this season is that its almost as if somehow, and I don’t know how, they’ve figured out how to turn it on in the post season. It might be because of the repetition but I don’t want to assert that because I don;t have that much backing that up. But the Patriots will win.
Robby Slowik. New England 35. Los Angeles 28. I feel like its the same game every year at this point. It’s always the Patriots, and as much as I hate them I always think they’re going to win because they played in more Super Bowls than most NFL players have played in regular games. They’ve been there before so I think it’s going to be them. And also L.A. Rams sound like a lame rock band to me, I’m not into it. So I’m going to say Patriots by 35 to 28.
Jon Rudnitsky. New England 32. Los Angeles 24. I know literally nothing about it. I literally just called the Super Bowl “the football game”. So that should let you know how I feel about it. I think the Patriots are going to win cause I think Tom Brady is apparently really good and if L.A. wins, the town that I live in, we just don’t deserve it. Nobody is going to care. Nobody is going to be celebrating in the streets. We’ll all be right back at Equinox moments after the win, it will mean nothing. Drinking Kale smoothies and being shitty. The final score? Ah fuck I don’t even know what a football score would look like. Is 32 to 24 a thing that can happen? That would be unlikely right? Okay great. I’ve definitely got this wrong.
Sam Morril. New England 34. Los Angeles 27. Alright, here’s my take. I don’t care. Cause I hate– I’m going to root for an L.A. team that’s been there two years? Wow they’ve really suffered there. Tough times for the Los Angeles Rams fan. Screw you L.A. Except I’m coming there in like a week so come to the shows. But you know the Patriots are going to win. You know Brady is going to get that sixth Super Bowl win. It makes me angry just saying that. There’s no reason to hate him. But I really don’t like him. He seems like a nice– I dunno. I’m trailing off. Look, the Patriots are going to win 34 to 27. I’m just going against what Joe Machi said. I don’t want them to win, but i know I’m going to be watching at the Cellar. Jared Fried and Bobby Kelly and all these annoying Patriots fans are going to walk in right as they start crushing it. I’m going to be there for the free food and there we go. Go Giants. Eli’s going to come back next year and get his third from Brady in the Super Bowl.
Nate Bargatze. New England 28. Los Angeles 21. I think the Patriots will win and the score will be 28 to 21. I hope its a good game. I love the dynasty. I love greatness. I love watching something pretty crazy. I think sometimes- listening to L.A. just immediately when they get the team back would be a nightmare. So yeah. Patriots.
Dan Perlman. New England 37. Los Angeles 31. I’m going to pick the Patriots. Every year I pick the Patriots because I hate them and I always bet on the thing I least want to happen just to cushion disappointment. Tom Brady’s great. He’s got a great perfect life and I’ve just had enough of it. It’s always close with them. It’s always like one possession. But they always win. Patriots 37-31 and then next year and the next 12 years. I hope I’m wrong.
Dan Soder. New England 34. Los Angeles 28. I’m a 49ers fan so I hate the Rams. And the Patriots have been in like every Super Bowl for the last 15 years. You can’t ever cheer for a rival so I gotta go Patriots, 34-29. 9ers win every super bowl for the rest of history.
Joe List. New England 34. Los Angeles 28. New England Patriots fan, Joe List. Once again the Patriots are in there, they’re going to win this year by a score of 34 points to 28 points. I’m hoping for a blow out. It won’t be a blow out. 34 28, Patriots win again. I’m in love with you.
Chris Distefano. New England 35. Los Angeles 31. The Patriots unfortunately are going to beat the Rams because the Patriots only lose to teams in the NFC East- the Giants and the Eagles when it comes to Super Bowls. So unfortunately the Patriots will win, and then I hope that somebody puts a strawberry in Tom Brady’s smoothie cause he’s never had a strawberry. But I think they’re going to win and I think the final score will be 35, 31 Patriots.
Jim Florentine. New England 28. Los Angeles 24. The Patriots will win the Super Bowl once again. Last year I picked them to win and then the Eagles pulled it out at the end. I have a feeling the Patriots are going to win this one. My prediction at the beginning of the year was the Patriots and Vikings. I was way off with the Vikings. So I’m going Patriots 28, 24. It will be pretty close, Rams will come back at the end. Patriots will hold them off cause they get every call by the refs. So that third down, where you think its not even close to being pass interference, it will get thrown, Patriots will get an automatic first down to win the game. Patriots 28, Rams 24.
Josh Adam Meyers. New England 42. Los Angeles 39. The Winner of This Year’s Super Bowl! Which I think is number 74 is going to be the refs. The refs are going to win because they’re underpaid and they’re trying to show everybody that they’re important and they’re throwing flags like crazy. They’re going to have more screentime than anybody. If we’re talking about the team..>I really hate to have to say it but I think the Patriots are going to win. Its going to be a shootout. I think Patriots win. Down to the final play. 42 to 39. It’s going to come down to a field goal. And that’s it. But the refs are going to call a lot of fouls. It’s not even a foul, it’s a penalty.
Tommy Johnagin. New England 31. Los Angeles 28. I think the win goes to New England. I think we’re going to go 31 to 28. St. Louis is going to make a late run, but I dont think their defense is going to be able to get to Tom Brady. Bonus points, Ndamukong Suh will be ejected.
Jared Fried. New England 30. Los Angeles 27. I am taking the Patriots to beat the Rams 30 to 27. If you have a problem with the Patriots you have a problem with yourself. You’re not successful. You’re not good at what you do. Your wife is fat your husband is gross. You’re not even the top of your industry. You’re not even the best in your office. So you sit at home talking about Tom Brady and how much you hate him because you hate yourself. Remember that every time you get mad at the Patriots, look in the mirror at your ugly face. Because its you that’s the problem.
Akaash Singh. New England 24. Los Angeles 23. I think the New England Patriots are going to win this Sunday because the Rams got lucky by getting the greatest non call in the history of sports and I think God punishes one week later just like Green Bay lost after the bad catch to Seattle in a heartbreaking fashion. I predict a heartbreaking loss for the Rams and Tom Brady is going to be undisputably the greatest athlete of all time. The final score will be 24 to 23 New England. It’s like that. Also its indisputably not undisputably.
Robert Kelly. New England Patriots win by 3 points. This is Robert Kelly, aka Big Bob from Boston aka Bobbie with an ie. Aka the fish. Don’t ask. The Patriots will be winning the Super Bowl this year. They will be winning the Super Bowl because they’re the best. It’s the Rams. And that was the first Super Bowl that Brady actually won when they gave Bledsoe the boot. And they ran down the field and they won it by what? How many points? Two? Three? Seconds left. I predict the same thing. They’re going to make us have heart attacks. They’re going to make us panic. It’s going to be back and forth and then we’re going to win by three points. We’re going to win the Super Bowl again by the crack of a freaking butt hair. And there you go. Patriots, Champions once again, number 6. And then we’ll see you next year. Deal with it.
Joe DeRosa- New England Patriots. The Super Bowl. Who’s in this thing again? New England and another team. But I have no idea who that other team is. Anyway I’m going to give it to New England cause they always win. God forbid they don’t win. They always win. The Score is going to be — New England is going to have a higher score than the losing team.
Mary Lynn Rajskub. New England 20-x. If I was a betting man, which I am, I would say Patriots all the way. They have more players that have played in a Super Bowl before. I think the score is going to be in the 20’s and I say that because it was really hard for me to make a guess about the teams because I had to google what teams are playing because when sports come on I just see and hear noise, so thats as far as I can get.
Shuli Egar. New England Patriots. I’d like to make this statement on Football. I don’t watch a lot of it because I don’t support sports where “real men” – supposedly- beat their wives. In all fairness I dont want to throw a blanket statement out there that all NFL players beat their wives. Some of kill them as well. Google Ray Karuth. That being said, my pick is the Patriots because obviously they’re cheating motherfuckers and they have been and they always will be. And so they’re going to win. And the score? What the fuck does it matter. It’s whatever the refs want it to be. It’s all a scam. You people are being scammed. Open your eyes and watch real football. Soccer. That’s right. No I’m not saying that with a dick in my mouth. I’m straight and I’m a soccer fan and that is a true sport. Those guys don’t beat their wives. They fuck other players wives. That’s a real man. And watch wrestling.