Bert Kreischer may be America’s new Ryan Lochte. And by that, we don’t mean America’s new bleach blonde aqua-neanderthal lying embarrassment. Bert is campaigning to replace Lochte as the face and crotch of Speedo men’s swimwear.
Naturally, you must be thinking, what everyone is thinking…Hot! But after the mental picture produced by the words “Bert Kreischer” and “Speedo” together leaves your head, your second thought is likely to be “Wait. Bert Kreischer is not known for his swimming skills”. But a lack of aquatic ability doesn’t mean that he can’t rock the skimpiest of male swimwear since Tarzan’s loincloth.
Bert Kreischer has put his offer to Speedo out in three videos so far. As part of his first video submission, we get a laundry list of other names for your ass. Hey, there’s another one. “Ass”. Bert also puts his Speedo through the paces by showing off his physicality and dance moves. He obviously has the goods to make a Speedo sponsorship work. Hire this man now.
In his second video submission, he’s pitches a tent for Speedo. Don’t worry. This is an actual tent. When he emerges from the tepee, looking like someone who didn’t get a call back for the Village People auditions, Bert is again in a Speedo, but this time he’s accessorized with a cowboy hat, bandanna and boots. The nearly Naked Cowboy is filmed dancing once again by a drone which by now, has seen too much.
In video number three, it’s time to get down to business. Bert lays it all on the line. He also laying his manhood against the strength of the material used in making a Speedo bathing suit. This is where the fine folks at Speedo get an offer that we can’t imagine them refusing. He’s willing to take the millions of dollars that Speedo was paying Ryan Lochte. If that doesn’t work for Speedo, Bert quickly mentions that he’s open to negotiations. His UTA agent’s info is included in the video. And what does Speedo get in return? What does Bert offer that makes him different from Speedo’s previous spokesman who lied about being robbed in Rio? Bert the Flirt is willing to wear Speedos 24/7 and no matter where he goes, and that includes any new Showtime specials. By the way, Showtime, if you’re seeing this, it’s worth mentioning again that Bert’s agent’s info is in the video.
Here’s hoping that Speedo will take advantage of this generous man who admittedly, doesn’t look good in a Speedo. He’s Bert Kreischer, America’s next top male swimsuit model.
Via Bert Kreischer’s YouTube page.