The Funniest People on the Planet Make The Funniest Predictions in the Universe for Football’s Biggest Game of the Year: 2016 Edition


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We are once again teaming up with the Bennington Show for Super Bowl Sunday to guarantee we are delivering the best comedy coverage of the biggest football game of the year. As part of that excitement, 29 of the funniest comedians on the planet made 28 of the funniest predictions in the Universe for the biggest sporting event in the United States, which we may or may not be able to refer to as (dun-dun dunnnnn) The Super Bowl. You can hear them on Bennington, or you can read and listen to them right here on The IBang. Let us know in the comments who you are picking and what score you are forseeing. Good luck, and as long as the Coconuts don’t win, it will all be good.

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Picked the BRONCOS: 8
Picked the PANTHERS :    20
PREDICTING A TIE:  1
REFERS TO CAM NEWTON’S BALLS: 4
MENTIONED TOM BRADY:  2
THINKS TROY AIKMAN IS A HUNK:  1
PERCENTAGE OF WOMEN WHO PICKED BRONCOS:  100%
THINKS PEYTON MANNING IS A HUNK:   0
MENTIONED CHICKEN PARM:  0
SAYS HE’S FUNNIER THAN :  1

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THEY PICKED THE BRONCOS

. Denver 23 Carolina 10. I definitely think its going to be the Broncos, 23-10 and I don’t really trust that Peyton Manning. He’s always like, very calm under pressure. I don’t normally like that kind of behavior in a man but I think that’s good enough for the Super Bowl, I think he’s going to take it all the way. And that’s my prediction.

. Denver 32 Carolina 16. Hi this is Joe Machi and you may remember me from being much funnier than comedian Sam Morril. That’s how bad Sam is. Anyways, I’m picking the Broncos, 32-16 over the Panthers. Did you know that the Panthers weren’t even a football team when Peyton Manning was born? He’s got so much more experience than they do and Cam Newton has let himself become distracted by calling people racist if they don’t like his dancing. You’re supposed to do that after the Super Bowl not before. So I say its going to be Broncos 32-16, watch out.

. Denver 31 Carolina 21. I know people don’t agree with this- I think the Broncos are gonna win, 31-21. The reason is, because of destiny. Nobody talks about Cam Newton. Nobody cares. Everyone cares about Peyton Manning. When the game ends, Peyton Manning’s going to go to the podium, and he’s going to go hey everybody, I have an announcement to make. I think you all predicted this. For the last 8 months I’ve been dead. I’ve been playing on sheer guts for the last eight months, I’ve been living in a coffin every night. And that’s it.

. Denver 27 Carolina 24. For Super Bowl 50 I want the Denver Broncos to win cause I grew up there. Even though I’m a 49ers fan, and a lot of Broncos fans talked shit to me growing up, I can put that behind me and pick the Denver Broncos to win Super Bowl 50. I think they’re going to win 27-24. It’s going to be a thriller. So don’t think the commercials are going to be the best part of this one. It always could be. I really have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.

. Denver 27 Carolina 24. I think that the Denver Broncos are going to win the Super Bowl against the Carolina Panthers. The score is going to be 27 to 24. It will be very close. And I guess I think the Broncos are going to win because Peyton Manning is going to go out like Elway and he is going to retire a Bronco which is fitting because he has the same receding hairline as the Denver Broncos logo.

. Denver 32 points more than Carolina. I definitely think that the Broncos are going to win cause I love horses and they’re going to win by 32 points so….take that!

. Denver 32 Other Team 18. Football is my favorite sport, that’s why I think the Denver Coconuts, the Denver team, is going to win. The score is going to be a whopping 32 to 18, that is my prediction for sure and I’m voting for them or rooting for them because they are the underdog. And I don’t know who the other team is to be 100% honest. So go Denver!

. Denver 28 Carolina 14.

David Spade.  It won’t be my Cardinals.  Good God, they got shee-lacked. I’m still reeling from that one.  I guess I will say the Broncos.

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THEY PICKED THE PANTHERS

. Carolina 37 Denver 6. I am predicting the Super Bowl right now and I’m going to go with Carolina over Denver, 37-6 in a blowout and the reason being Cam Newton, superman. That’s the reason. I kind of hope for Peyton Manning but i don’t think its in the cards. Peyton Manning is a legend and there’s no getting around it but I think it’s Cam’s year. Thank you.

. Carolina 38 Denver 7. Yo this is Godfrey and my pick for the Super Bowl is definitely the Carolina Panthers and the score will be 38 to 7. Alright? 38 to 7 because Cam Newton, I call him Sir Cam Newton– his three laws of motion: drop back, throw the ball, score the touchdown. BOOM! ALL DAY LONG in your face BITCH.

. Carolina 37 Denver 7. This is Anthony DeVito, world famous stand up comedian. I think that the Broncos are going to get crushed by the Panthers. The Panthers, their defense is too fast, Peyton Manning is too old. And Cam Newton is too good. I just hope that after every touchdown that Cam Newton scores, he doesn’t hand the football over to fan. I hope he just hands it directly to Peyton Manning. So then Peyton Manning has 10 footballs in his hand by the end of the game. I think they’re going to win by like 30 points. I’ll say 37-7, something like that. I think they’re going to get crushed. So if you’re looking to bet, I would bet on the Panthers and you’ll be a millionaire. Or if you’re already a millionare, you’ll have two million dollars which will be nice.

. Carolina 37 Denver 10. Carolina is definitely going to win this Super Bowl. Score is going to be 37 – 10. They’re going to get a touch down and field goal. That’s all the Broncos are going to do. Carolina is going to run all over them. Why are they going to win? Cause of Peyton Manning! Cause of how OLD he is, and how much of a choker he is. I’m a New Yorker, I’m an Eli guy. In the playoffs and the Super Bowl, I’m taking Eli dude. Took down the Patriots twice, he’s got balls of steel. Peyton? He threw a pick 6 to lose a Super Bowl. He is the more sensitive of the Manning brothers. He’s going to lose again dude.

.  Carolina 38 Denver 14.  I’m going to tell you what’s going to happen with the Super Bowl. I realize lot of people want this to be the storybook ending for Peyton Manning’s career.  He’s like the current make a wish kid. But its not going to happen. Denver’s D is incredible and that’s going to be the fun matchup. Watching their defense against the Panthers offense but I have a little bit of a shocker for Broncos fans. Panthers are a much better team. Every phase of the game. Offensively, defensively, special teams. They are way too much to handle especially with that old cripple you have on your center. So its probably going to happen. I think its going to be around 38-14, Panthers. Peyton might die. But you are not going to see him win. So I hate to bust your chops about that. Its’ going to be all Carolina, all day.

. Panthers 38 Denver 14. Hey its Nick DiPaolo and I think the Dallas Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl because Troy Aikman is a hunk. He’s just a big hunk and I love him. He’s got a strong arm and he wears tight jeans. Actually I don’t give a shit who wins. Tom Brady and the dynasty is not in it. I’m sure you people are happy. But I think it will be Carolina Panthers, 38-14 over the Broncos. Because Peyton Manning, even when he was healthy in past Super Bowls sucked. Not good under the pressure. He can’t carry Tom Brady’s book bag. Cam Newton is on fire right now and Peyton Manning isn’t even healthy and he throws like a small retarded girl with her left hand and she’s a righty. So I like Cam Newton. He’s on fire. He’s going to run all over them. He’s going to throw all over them. And I like– 38-14, the Carolina Panthers.

. Panthers 38 Denver 14. My Super Bowl prediction is the Carolina Panthers are going to smack up the Denver Broncos and I say that only because any team that beats the Eagles, I have to assume they’re probably just the best. That’s the only way they were able to pull it off so they are going to handily win 38-14. Carolina.

Race Wars (Sherrod Small and ). Carolina 38 Denver 16. Sherrod: Hey its Sherrod Small and Kurt Metzger from Race Wars. Kurt: This is our Super Bowl Prediction. Sherrod: First of all you don’t know sports. Kurt: I don’t watch the Super Bowl. I’m more of a puppy bowl guy. Sherrod: That’s right do you think the dalmation is going to take it home this year? Kurt: I think they could go all the way. Sherrod: I’ll pick for us. The Race Wars team we gonna go with the Panthers this year. Kurt: Let me tell you something. A couple years ago, I’m the one who picked GrrrrRichard Sherman over Pupton Manning for the Puppy Bowl. That was me. I was the guy. Now this is the people bowl is what you’re telling me. Sherrod: That’s right this is human beings and we gonna take the Panthers. Just say Panthers. Oh the PanTHERS. I thought it was the panthros like it was a Thundercats thing. I would be really into that. Sherrod: It’s like being friends with a chimpanzee. Kurt: Well I’m predicting everyone is going to have a great time and they’re going to play it safe and ….hopefully everyone scores a lot of baskets. Sherrod: We gonna say 38-16 Panthers. Race Wars. Check us Out.

Sam Morril. Carolina 38 Denver 17. This is comedian Sam Morril. You might know me from my hit album Class Act, my constant bashing of comedian Joe Machi. The Super Bowl is coming up Sunday, the Panthers and the Broncos. I think its got to be hmmmm I’m going to go with the Panthers. I think they’re going to win 38-17. Cam Newton’s too fast, he’s too strong. Peyton Manning, one hit and he’s Christopher Reeve. I hope he doesn’t get hit now. I’d feel terrible. And the halftime show is Coldplay so get ready for some real football fan action. Coldplay and footbal. Those two get together big. They’re really trying to restore their image to women I think. Its like some yoga music. They’re good its just yoga music. That’s how I look at it. What else. Cam Newton is going to be mvp. Can’t be stopped. this reminds me a little bit of when the Seahawks played the Broncos. So I think that’s what’s going to happen. If they win 38-17, I want Joe Machi to go on air, and say I am not a man and I think Sam Morril is a better comedian than me.

. Carolina 24 Denver 10. For the Super Bowl I believe the Carolina Panthers will win. The score will be 24-10. I think it will be a close enough game to keep us excited and I just think how much it would be great to see Peyton go out on top. Carolina’s too ridiculous of a team and you’re going to see Cam doing all the stuff he does. Superman. Whatever it is he does. And people will hate him even more after this. But yeah, Carolina Panthers, 24-10. Go ahead and book it. Everybody bet on it. I’m 100% right, already. I promise.

. Carolina 31 Denver 27. I think its going to be the Panthers, 31-27, and ideally Cam Newton wins the MVP and has no reason to play so he retires. I mean I have two daughters and i just can’t have them watching this guy out there dancing. It’s just offensive and hopefully this is the end of Cam Newton.

. Carolina 31 Denver 24. Carolina Panthers are going to win because Cam Newton is unstoppable. And its going to be 31-24.

. Carolina 24 Denver 20. I am going to go with— are you ready? Are you sitting down? You got your pen? You calling your bookie? Daddy is taking Denver in this game getting the six points. Game will be– I would hold up the line is going to go up to 8 by kickoff because the bottom line is everyone is so enamoured with what Cam Newton and that offense has been doing. They aren’t noticing what Denver’s defense has been doing, and defenses always win Super Bowls. Do I think Denver’s going to win this game? No. I see the final score being something like 24 to 20, a Panther win because Cam Newton has just been incredible on offense. He’s put balls in more hands of little boys at Ericson stadium than Michael Jackson ever did at the Neverland Ranch. Am I right? One thing you know about Peyton Manning is, even though he’s got a little bit of a noodle for a brain, and a noodle for an arm, this defense is going to rally around him. I am taking the Panters to win 24-20 but people take the Broncos and the points you’re getting.

Dave Smith. Carolina 35 points more than Denver. Dave Smith! Stand up comedian! Captain of the Legion of Skanks podcast! Look. As much as Denver — as good as Denver’s defense looked– as good as that HGH legend Peyton Manning’s looked–I think South Carolina is going to win by 35 points. There’s my pick.

. Carolina 17 more than Denver. I am picking the Carolina Panthers to win the Super Bowl by 17 points because unlike Tom Brady, when the defense penetrates the offensive line, Cam Newton can take it for 35, 40 yards. I think he’s going to run for 100 yards. I think he’s going to throw 3 touchdowns and I think they’re going to figure it out. They’ve got a good defense too. I’m taking Carolina.

. Carolina 14 more than Denver. Hi I think the Carolina Panthers are going to win by 14 points. Because Peyton Manning is old, and I think African American quarter backs are superior and have larger genitals.

. Carolina by 14 more than Denver. Hey this is Greg Stone. I’m going to go with Carolina in the Super Bowl by 2 touchdowns. I don’t know if its two touchdowns at all or two in general but I’m getting a vibe of two touchdowns is going to mean something. Because I’ve been to North Carolina and I don’t know the team they’re playing. So. I’m going to have to go Carolina, two touchdowns and I’ll put ten grand on it.

. Carolina 1 more than Denver. My Super Bowl prediction- this is the first time I’m thinking about it- I think the Panthers are going to beat the Broncos just because they are having a ridiculous season. I have a crush on Cam Newton and I think they’re going to win by 1 because I want to see a good Super Bowl at least.

. ?????? The Broncos vs the Panthers and well, a Panther seems more better than a Bronco in terms of a fight. A wild panther would eat a horse quickly. So I would say the Panthers. Yeah, I know nothing about football so. …

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. Carolina 37 Denver 37. This is comedian Todd Barry predicting the Super Bowl. I believe the Carolina Panthers are playing against the Denver Broncos. I — god I’ve had good times in the Carolinas and in Denver. Lets call this one a tie. 37-37. And you can keep all the money.

. Hi this is Judd Apatow, with my thoughts on the Super Bowl. I haven’t really followed it this year, I’m not sure if Joe Pisarcik is still playing for the Giants? Is Harry Carson a part of this? Where’s Lawrence Taylor. Yeah. I think I’m behind.

 

Who are you picking?  Let us know in the comments and see if you can out pick the funniest people on the planet.

 

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3 Comments

  1. Impostor

    February 4, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    Comedians should stick to comedy. 

    KEEP POUNDING GO PANTHERS!!!!

  2. Rich G

    February 4, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    If they didn’t spend this week telling us that comedians would be making their super bowl picks, they couldn’t spend next week telling us how bad comedians are at making super bowl picks.

  3. jinx stanley

    February 5, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    yeah but who did chris pick that fucking jinx