The God Damn Hedgehog Predicts Six More Weeks Of Winter

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means his sorcery powers are going to cause six more weeks of winter. When will humanity finally escape the grasp of this magical creature?

Read more at the Post Gazette(Are they a Post or a Gazette? Pick one).

https://www.post-gazette.com/news/state/2022/02/02/punxsutawney-phil-groundhog-day-prediction-2022-livestream/stories/202202020101?utm_source=digg

The national pizza chain says they’ll pay you three bucks if you come and pick up your pizza instead of asking for delivery.

Great. Now how much can I pay you to leave the pizza out of my order.

Read more at Today.

A republican candidate is alleging that Dems are trying to fix an election by rearranging the boundaries of the district. So we don’t like district rigging, but now the Dems are playing this shitty game?

When you fight fire with fire you burn the whole shithousedown.

Read more at NY Post.

GM’s Cruise is now offering driverless taxi rides in San Francisco, which may be the worst possible place to try out something experimental on the road. The service was previously available to GM employees only.

Can’t we try this in flat spaced out Iowa first?

Read more at engadget.

The staff at The Verge is exhausted from having to use three syllables every time they want to say the word NFT, so they’ve declared that its officially pronounced NEFT from here forward.

As in, I’m never going to buy a neft.

Read more at The Verge.

Sham interviews, racism accusations, a “Minor League” incentive to lose games, and of course Bill Belichick is involved. This story is freaking out everyone and overshadowing the WFT’s big flop of an announcement set for today.

How is this league going to prove that this isno based on prejudice

Now we get to watch the NFL’s song and dance routine to prove that there isn’t racial bias and prejudice involved.

Read more at ESPN

Former head coach of the Browns Hue Jackson has been active on Twitter saying he can back up everything that Brian Flores is saying. Hue will testify he was tanking Browns games for free because it was just too easy.

Read more on Twitter.

I stand with Brian Flores. I can back up every word i’m saying.

— Hue Jackson (@huejack10) February 2, 2022

Since there’s nothing else going on in the NFL the Washington Football Team, formerly the Washington Redskins, are now the Washington Commanders. Get that WFT merch while you still can so you can sell it on eBay in six months.

Read more at foxnews.

We found out last night when our local news crew chopper zoomed in the stadium windows! pic.twitter.com/UwsPLM7IJm

— Skip (@datdudeskip007) February 2, 2022

Stafford had twelve losing years in the city of Detroit, and the second he gets out of the big D, he’s Super Bowl bound.

Detroit lost before him, during him, and after him.

If this franchise was a horse we’d shoot it.

Read more at Deadspin

76er Ben Simmons has lost over nineteen million dollars in fines from sitting out games- he owes $360.000 for every game he’s missed and if he continues to refuse to play, he could lose $12 million more.

Ben we all hate Philly but this is ridiculous.

Read more at CBS

Due to Whoopi making wild statements about the Holocaust, she’s been suspended from The View for two weeks. Can they get Meghan McCain to sub in for her?

Read more at NPR.

Much like Dave Chappelle said before releasing his most recent (and highly controversial) special, Gervais says he hopes he gets cancelled. He’s readying his new special, titled Armageddon and says he’s treating this one like it’s his last. Speculation is rampant that he may be getting ready to retire.

Okay, got it. Trans jokes coming.

Read more at express.co.uk.

Isaac says he and the cast and crew laughed a lot while filming his final scene in Dune, a scene in which he is naked, defeated. “At one point, when Denis wasn’t looking, I may have left my cockk sock in his pocket, just so he just had a little bit of me next to him when I left,” Isaac jokes. “Just a little, musty handkerchief.”

When he got home the director said, how did I end up with a baby sock in my pocket?

Read more at ew.com.

Cowell broke his arm after another spill on an ebike.

Once again the cowell went over the moon.

Read more at Pagesix.

The billionaire must not want his roof to be visible to internet users, because he used his power and position to have an invisible wall blocking his estate from view on Google Maps and Apple Maps.

If you don’t think homes should be visible from space….maybe you shouldn’t create apps that let you see homes from space.

Read more at dailystar.

It’s the 40th anniversary of Late Night with David Letterman, and the show is celebrating by releasing clips of the show for the first time in 40 years.

Hey look who just found out about viral videos. Grandpa made it to YouTube.

Read more at Mediaite

Why is it okay to do some accents? Can we get a rule book please?

This crazy 40 person brawl started at a Bucks County Golden Corral when the buffett ran out of steak.

Jokes on all of them, that’s not steak and never was.

Read more at TMZ