Between dealing with kids, dealing with work, and dealing with Take Your Kids to Work Day, you may have missed some of the most insane things celebrities did this week. Well, have no fear — because Kashmere is here with his finger on the pulse and his eyes on every Instagram account of anyone worth talking about. From Oscar winners to reality TV royalty, to even actually royalty; here are the craziest stories going on this week. Welcome to our newest series, “Did You Hear? With Kashmere!”
Kashmere (also known as Danny Murphy) is a comedian, writer, and pop culture connoisseur (despite not really knowing how to spell connoisseur). He currently writes for Betches and Marie Claire and has also been featured in Glamour, Seventeen and Town & Country. When he’s not drinking red wine or iced coffee while watching Bravo, he’s performing around New York and hosting PASS THE AUX at The Stonewall Inn and DO I SEND IT? at Branded Saloon. Follow his fake reality show AKA his Instagram stories, @kashmeredanny.
Have we all come to terms with Summer being over? I know, technically we have a few weeks left but in my mind I just want to be drinking chai lattes in a cardigan and contemplating getting into water coloring. Side note, I’m also officially over seeing spiked seltzer at parties/in bars/on my Instagram. Can we all agree it doesn’t taste good?
You Can’t Handle the Truth — So You Need A Drink:
In honor of Meghan Markle appearing at the US Open, let’s cheers with a Meghan Markarita. For this, you need to mix Pimms with lime juice into a shaker full of ice. On top of that, you have to shake in some estranged family drama and add awful tabloid headlines to taste. Strain over a bigger than usual glass, cause girl Meghan needs a drink more than most people. Cheers, and be happy that your childhood wish of being a princess never came true. Cause apparently, it just sucks.
Shocked to Not:
Let’s rank the five most shocking (or not remotely surprising at all) stories from this past week.
Orlando Bloom Clarifies His Penis Size | There’s a lot of memorable days that stick out for people, like a wedding day or the birth of a child. And while I’m both single and emotionally barren, I do have a special day of my own: the day Orlando Bloom was naked while paddle-boarding with Katy Perry. I’m still trying to get that day turned into a national holiday, but in the meantime, Orlando is joking that objects may seem bigger than they appear in the mirror. Read more about him making light of his internationally shipped package on Howard Stern here.
Nicki Minaj Is Retiring?! Maybe | I feel like 2019 is personally out to get me this year. From housewives leaving to my favorite problematic performers retiring, is there no end in sight? Minaj took to Twitter to say that she wanted to retire to start a family (and also probably wait for some other female MCs to fizzle out) but then soon-after apologized to her fans for her rushed and insensitive reveal of that news. Check how the Barbz handled the news here.
Queen Latifah Isn’t Buying Minaj’s ‘Retirement’ | Me and Queen Latifah apparently have a lot in common. We’re both from New Jersey, we both prefer to be referred to as royalty, and we both are calling B.S. on Nicki Minaj’s retirement. She’ll be back soon enough, probably with a mixtape about pregnancy or motherhood. Maybe I’ve ‘Peez’d In The Cup”? Just spitballing here. Read what Queen Latifah had to say about it here.
Cara Develinge and Ashley Benson PDA at the US Open | Mazel to these love birds who are prettier and wealthier than all of us! Guess Love-Love meant more than just a very boring game at the US Open this year. And also, I’m happy at least someone was getting more action than Serena’s scoreboard — but more on that below. Check out the two locking lips here!
Felicity Huffman Says She Didn’t Care About Her Kid’s College | Felicity, this isn’t Wisteria Lane. You can take down the acting a notch. Huffman is doing a new kind of campaign for herself — instead of vying for an Emmy, she’s hoping the judge overseeing her case will agree that probation will be a suitable punishment for her crime over jail time. With letters from Eva Longoria and some more heart-to-heart level monologues from Felicity herself, we’ll see what he decides this week. Maybe. Read more here!
The More You Know: Our Weekly Life Lesson From the A-to-Z List
Well, to go along with our drink of the week, we definitely learned that having a member of the royal family fly in to support you may actually be a bad thing. Serena Williams lost hard at her match, to the point that she said ‘Serena didn’t even show up.’ At least you got to have Meghan Markle awkwardly say “at least you’re better at tennis than I was at acting.”
Blast From the PAST:
The ultimate blast from the past? Tiffany Pollard. Please remind yourself of the Reality TV GOLD that she delivered to all of us in the 2000s and watch as she learns what “break a leg” means.
Stream or Scream?:
While you can’t totally stream this, you should watch it on loop: Jeff Goldblum is all of our Monday Motivation after dancing to Normani’s hit-adjacent song this weekend. His icon status just gets more and more established by the meme. Check it out here!