Between dealing with kids, dealing with work, and dealing with Take Your Kids to Work Day, you may have missed some of the most insane things celebrities did this week. Well, have no fear — because Kashmere is here with his finger on the pulse and his eyes on every Instagram account of anyone worth talking about. From Oscar winners to reality TV royalty, to even actually royalty; here are the craziest stories going on this week. Welcome to our newest series, “Did You Hear? With Kashmere!”
Kashmere (also known as Danny Murphy) is a comedian, writer, and pop culture connoisseur (despite not really knowing how to spell connoisseur). He currently writes for Betches and Marie Claire and has also been featured in Glamour, Seventeen and Town & Country. When he’s not drinking red wine or iced coffee while watching Bravo, he’s performing around New York and hosting PASS THE AUX at The Stonewall Inn and DO I SEND IT? at Branded Saloon. Follow his fake reality show AKA his Instagram stories, @kashmeredanny.
Happy Labor Day to all, and to all, I hope you have some form of Ibuprofen in your medicine cabinet. Weird how the last weekend of summer only results in sun poisoning and hangovers, but I guess there is no other way to welcome in fall to all of our hearts. If you’re like me, you went out in the sun for .08 seconds this weekend and then spent the rest of it drinking a nice Pinot Noir in your air conditioning while watching old episodes of Sex and the City. I mean, tell me how else you can summer?
You Can’t Handle the Truth — So You Need A Drink:
In honor of Labor Day, my cocktail for everyone to have this week is water. I know it’s not a drink, but I also know for a fact that you did not drink nearly enough of it this weekend and your skin/liver/text messages to exes are probably very much not happy with your choices right now. I would pair this large glass of water with another large glass of water, blackout curtains, a large helping of Chinese takeout, and some trashy television. You were social this weekend, you earned this.
Shocked to Not:
Let’s rank the five most shocking (or not remotely surprising at all) stories from this past week.
1. Trump is fighting with Debra Messing |Do you ever read a headline and just yawn because it exhausts you so much? This is one of those headlines. Who knew 2019 was the year that our President would be feuding with an actress from Will & Grace over Twitter? Mad Libs is shaking because no one has ever come up with something as good as that before. The drama now is over a fundraiser Trump is hosting during Emmys week, because there is now no differentiation between Hollywood and the White House, I guess. I’m honestly just shocked that Jojo Siwa hasn’t announced that she’s running yet, but maybe she’s holding out for her audiences to have their Bat Mitzvahs and be of legal voting age. Read more about this FeUd HeRe. Yes, that type of typing was needed.
2. Meghan Markle’s Awful Dad Wants to Meet Archie | There’s no one in this world I want to buy a drink for more than Meghan Markle. She gets strung through the ringer on the daily — from tabloids to advisors to even her own damn family. Can the girl catch a break? Her awful father, who has sold secrets about her and all-around trashes his daughter whenever he gets the chance or check, is now up in arms that he hasn’t met Archie yet. Meghan is probably saving her poor kid from being critiqued in the National Enquirer for still having his baby weight. Read up on this here.
3. Kendall Jenner, Emrata & Others Sued over Fyre Festival | Guys, it turns out it’s really hard to be an influencer. Because sometimes you give your influential influencing abilities to a scammer’s company and his fake music festival. Ugh, the grind! This is what’s happening to Kendall Jenner, Emily Ratajakowski and all the other leading ladies that were flown out to take pictures with the pigs (and pig animals) involved with Fyre Festival. I’d also like some money if they’re in the process of writing out checks! Read more here.
4. Bebe Rexha Bares All for Her 30th Birthday | Bebe Rexha is an enigma. She sings… ish. She songwrites.. ish. But what I do know? She posts on social media constantly, usually slamming a hater that no one knows. From music executives to dress designers, there’s always someone on her mind that is actively trying to ruin her life. Well, she’s kissing off ALL of her haters on her 30th birthday, because that’s what turning 30 is all about. She did this by releasing a new song I’ll probably hear in a spin class this week and posting a very ~feeling herself~ picture on the bathroom floor. After celebrating her birthday in Staten Island, of course. Check out her picture here.
5. Kevin Hart Suffers Major Injuries After Car Accident| In some less humorous news, Kevin Hart suffered severe injuries after one of his cars wound up in a ditch after veering off the road in Malibu. His car smashed through wooden fences along the roadside and was completely crushed. Here’s hoping that he and everyone else involved in the accident makes a speedy recovery! Read more about the accident here.
The More You Know: Our Weekly Life Lesson From the A-to-Z List
This week, we learned never to mess with the horse girl in school. Cause in a few years, she’ll be the most popular pop star in the entire world. And she’ll keep the receipts of all the shitty things you did to her. THE POWER OF XANGA. Read Taylor Swift’s diary entry about when Kanye interrupted her at the VMA’s.
Blast From the PAST:
In honor of Lana Del Rey’s new amazing album, Normal Fucking Rockwell, I want to take you all on a trip down memory lane. Before either of them were famous, Lana Del Rey and Lady Gaga were grinding down in the alternative music scene in the East Village and Brooklyn. And obviously, talking shit is an integral part of life — but when you’re singer, you don’t just talk shit, you sing shit — and you sing it well. Listen to this diss track that Lana wrote about Gaga and SCREAM about how this didn’t get more attention. Also? Look up Lana trying to talk in interviews about how this wasn’t actually about Gaga and then laugh cause even she knows it 100% is. We love a messy girl!
Stream or Scream?:
While you can’t stream this, it does make me want to scream. Hailey Baldwin-Bieber (what a hyphenation) “honored” the late Princess Diana by recreating some of her iconic looks for a Vogue shoot. While Hailey is gorgeous, and the pictures are great, I kind of feel like this was in extremely bad taste, especially on the anniversary of her death. Couldn’t Hailey have just given Vogue some behind the scene pictures from Drop the Mic on TBS? Oh, no one cares about that show? Got it.
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Experience life in the FAB lane. He's fashion forward and knows his way around the red carpets of comedy. It's Kashmir