The 5: Top Five Times People Deserved to Get Murdered by Animals

Andie Main is a comedian originally from Portland, OR who recently moved to Denver because Portland is kind of annoying. Denver’s pretty tight though. Main was a founder and host of the wildly popular Portland comedy shows Revolution Comedy and The Cool Kids Patio Show. Her festival credits include High Plains Comedy Festival, Bridgetown, The Comedy Exposition, repeated appearances at SF Sketchfest and The All Jane Comedy Festival, The 208 Festival, Bumbershoot, Seattle Sketchfest, Portland Pride, Treefort Festival and Cromfest. She has recently performed for sold out crowds at UCBeast, UCB Chelsea and The Stand Nightclub in NYC, and esteemed shows in LA like Put Your Hands Together. As a Portlandlan, Andie was a fixture on the NW circuit and a paid regular at Helium Comedy Club, and she’s totally killing it in Denver too. Check out her podcast People Enjoying Terrible Accidents.

Her new (and debut!) album, released on Blonde Medicine, is titled Magpie in reference to the tattoos of this species that adorn both of Main’s arms. The material on Magpie is both hyper-personal and super-political. Main describes it as “a woman punching the system back”. Magpie was recorded live in Portland at Kickstand Comedy in September of 2019 on the same day that Main received her second magpie tattoo – the first was taking off and beginning a journey, the second is landing in a new perch!

Get Magpie, available now!

Now, on to The Top Five Times People Deserved to Get Murdered by Animals

As someone who has avoided meat for over 20 years and cries every time I see a video from The Dodo, I created a podcast that celebrates when animals get their revenge on humans. It’s kind of like true crime, but I like to think of it as true justice.

Here are the top 5 times when it was absolutely justified for a human to get murdered by an animal.

#5: A Florida Man gets killed by his pet Cassowary

If you ever doubted that birds are descended from dinosaurs, may i present the cassowary?Google this fuckin lizard bird. They grow up to 6 feet tall and have 4 inch claws. Cassowaries mainly eat fruit but will not hesitate for one second to murder your ass. That’s what Marvin Hajos, 75, learned when he fell down while tending to his breeding pair. They are especially aggressive in breeding season, and when he fell over while trying to collect their eggs, he was straight up eviscerated. We discuss this bird murder, and many more, on episode five of People Enjoying Terrible Accidents, along with comedian Adam Cayton-Holland and activist Gregory McKelvey

#4: South African killed by pet hippo

Until I started this podcast, I had no idea how dangerous hippos were to humans. I just thought they were vaguely bovine creatures, maybe chewing on some plants and blissfully floating down a river, but then i learned that they ARE FUCKIN FULL OF MURDER. Hippos kill 500 people a year, for the hell of it. They barely even eat meat. They are the Joe Pescies of sub-saharan Africa.

One strange man, Marius Els, rescued a hippo as a calf and raised it on his farm. He was quoted as saying “Humphrey’s like a son to me, he’s just like a human. There’s a relationship between me and Humphrey and that’s what some people don’t understand. They think you can only have a relationship with dogs, cats and domestic animals. But I have a relationship with the most dangerous animal in Africa.” Details on how the mauling occurred are scarce, but he was found face down in a river on his property, utterly gored my Humphrey’s tusks. Matt Cobos and I also eviscerate him on episode 3 of PETA

#3 Grizzly Man

Tim Treadwell was a contradiction of a human being who had the best of intentions and the worst of follow through. He was an out of work actor in Malibu who through the struggle of addiction and recovery, dedicated his life to preserving the grizzly bears of Katmai National Park in Alaska, of which his endless footage was famously documented by Werner Herzog- who coincidentally is also the voice of my inner monologue. The grizzlies did not need protection, they were doing just fine as hunting is prohibited in the park, and poaching is rare. But Tim was obsessed to the point that he stayed in the park past the time in a season where bears are hungry and desperate for any morsel of food, including a weirdo in cargo shorts and his reluctant girlfriend. We document the documentary on episode one, with Mike Brunken and his 12 year son Ariah. Ariah is still my favorite guest to date.

#2: An idiot in Portland climbs into the lion exhibit at the zoo

As a Portland native, I was amazed when I came across this story, which we will be telling at our first live episode of PETA, on 1/15 at DC Vegetarian. I had never known of it before and it is a LEGEND. On July 4th 1970, three drunk bros tried to get laid and party downtown. They had no luck with the ladies and subsequently, searched for the biggest pussy you could get in Portland, the lion den at Washington Park Zoo (OMG what is wrong with me???!)

a 19 year old named Roger Adams decided to impress his two other friends by hanging off the ledge of the lion’s den, and at first, the female lion lunged at him and missed, but on her second attempt she scored, and while his two friends watched, Roger was mauled to death. Later on, his friend Ken Bowers, expressed to the media that the lions should be killed, because Ken was a total dick.

This was back in the day when newspapers would report the addresses of people involved in the story, and Roger’s family subsequently was flooded with tons of death threats from people who stated their relative deserved his moulting (which i agree with, but would never write a letter about, they can listen to the pod if they want)

30 hours after Roger’s death, Ken broke into the zoo and killed the lions. I am also certain he voted for trump because he thinks that Hillary is a muslim. What a fucking dick. He confessed on unrelated drug charges a few years later, and only had to pay $1200 in fines, because white people are total garbage (myself included, because of that awful pussy joke)

#1  The time a hippie got his dick eaten by an orca

Tillikum the orca, of Blackfish fame, is the most compelling animal I have covered. He was stolen by his family at to years old, put into slavery as a performer for a marina side attraction, where he was battered by the other orcas/victims. Every night, after performing, Tillikum would be battered be the other orcas he shared a pen with.

He was sold to Seaworld after he already killed a trainer at his former antebellum, and showed signs of psychosis to the point where he was separated from all other orcas.

Of all of the orca tanks in all the world, 27 year old Daniel Dukes crept into Tillikum’s, nude, where he was then drowned. After the drowning, Tillikum ate his dick. We know this occurred after the drowning due to the level of blood loss.

I just want to state that the level of artistry for a 1500 pound orca to eat a human male’s dick is incandescent, and i salute Tillikum for his chops. We tell the whole story on episode two with Elliot Woolsey and John Novosad.


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