The 5: The Best UnChristmas Movies To Enjoy This Holiday Season

Every December, televisions around the country are inundated with holiday specials and Christmas movies. A Christmas Story airs for twenty-four hours straight on TBS, and all of the animated specials are on various channels starting the day after Thanksgiving. Throughout the month, The Hallmark Channel runs ridiculous Christmas movies starring Candace Cameron-Bure, silly Christmas movies starring “Winnie” from The Wonder Years, and ridiculously silly Christmas movies starring Candace Cameron-Bure and “Winnie” from the Wonder Years. But there is another type of movie that should only be watched in December leading up to the twenty-fifth, the unChristmas movie. Here are a few.

Die Hard.

Every year the debate gets rehashed; is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Yes, the soundtrack is all Christmas songs, it takes place during a Christmas party, and John McClain dresses a terrorist as Santa Claus to let Hans know that he has a machine gun. No, the plot has nothing to do with Christmas, it just merely takes place in December during a Holiday party. Who fucking cares if it is a Christmas movie or not, only a sociopath would watch it at any other time of year. Yippie ki-yay mother fucker!

Lethal Weapon.

What was going on in Hollywood that two movies featuring cops, Christmas, and Los Angeles came out in consecutive years, and then never again? This one features one cop that is suicidal, and another one who is “getting to old for this shit”. It also opens with a mostly naked woman doing some coke and then performing a 9.0 swan dive off of a high rise balcony. If the glass hadn’t splashed so high, she would have earned a perfect ten.


This is a very bizarre film that proves everyone was crazy on coke in the eighties. It is allegedly a children’s movie as it is rated PG, although it is one of the two movies that forced the MPAA to create the PG-13 rating. Somewhere around the halfway point of the film, the Phoebe Cates character brings the movie to a screeching halt to tell a disturbing story about how she found out that Santa was not real. There are also a bunch of disgusting creature deaths scenes. Crazy. On. Coke.

Batman Returns.

It is possibly the only comic book movie that could be considered a Christmas film. Despite being shot entirely indoors, it just looks cold. Danny Devito is perfect casting as the Penguin and Michelle Pfeiffer looks amazing in the leather catsuit but other than that, the film is not very good.

Eyes Wide Shut.

This film is the last directorial effort by the great Stanley Kubrick, and it also marks the last time that Tom Cruise played a person, as opposed to a caricature of a person. The film starts with a Christmas party and ends with Tom and Nicole Kidman Christmas shopping. In between are drugs, weird-ass blue-blood orgies, and murder. It would be a dream to smoke a joint with Nicole Kidman wearing underwear and a tank top, even if she does brag about how she wanted to commit adultery with a handsome army man.

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