Monty Scott is a Toronto-based comedian who’s been featured at JFL 42 and can be regularly heard on SiriusXM. His debut album, The Abyss Stares Back has been nominated for a 2020 Juno Award for Comedy Album of the Year. You can preview a few tracks from the album below. More info on Monty including his upcoming shows can be found at MontyScott.com
I’m willing to acknowledge that home invasions aren’t generally high on most people’s list of comedic topics. Well, lighten up. Every cloud has got a silver lining, and every once in a while, the home invader becomes the invaded which usually turns things into a good time. Here are the top 5 times a home invader was thwarted, with prejudice.
#5: LL Cool J broke burglary suspect’s nose, jaw and ribs.
I guess when you break into houses for a living you never really know where the day is going to take you. Personally, I think I’m pretty safe to say, there is virtually no chance on any given day, that LL Cool J is going to beat the bejesus out of me. Hopefully, that’s not some shit this burglar was saying on Aug 22,2012 because he was about to get dragged into the Deep Blue Sea. 56 year old Jonathan Kirby, broke into Cool J’s house in the middle of the night. Cool J, refusing to offer a senior’s discount on the beating, proceeded to beat Kirby like he owed him money, strictly following his home intruder policy of no bone left unbroken. Read more here.
#4: Man wields battle-ax named ‘My baby’ to fight off home intruder.
A Michigan man whose hobbies include ritualized combat with replica weapons from the Middle Ages says he wielded a battle-ax he calls “My baby” to fend off an intruder. Now if you were thinking about kicking somebody’s door down, it might not even cross your mind, to wonder if the occupants practice ritualized combat with replica weapons. If that’s the case, you would have been as surprised as this home invader when he took a battle-ax to the gut. I like to hope, after seeing the ax, the thought crossed his mind, that in kicking the door down he had accidentally broken into another century. Read more here.
#3: Wisconsin pastor fights off intruder with a machete to protect his family
Caleb Schaller, a pastor at Messiah Lutheran Church in Eau Claire, said he was in his office when he heard a gruff voice inside his home. Schaller said when he confronted the intruder, he started cursing and demanded his car keys, while he had a machete slung over his shoulder. Schaller said he feared for his family, so he pushed the man outside on the lawn – and wrestled the machete away. Where do I sign up to get in this guy’s church. That’s what I look for in my clergy, a little “can do” machete wrestling attitude. What’s that Bible Verse? And the Lord sayeth, “sometimes you gotta call your own number, maybe do a little machete wrestlin”. Read more here.
#2: 11-year-old fought off a home invader with a machete.
The 11-year-old boy hid behind his bedroom door when he heard a stranger bust into his home in Mebane, N.C. The intruder threw open the door, pointed a pellet gun at him and told him to sit down on the ground and get in his closet. When the burglar left to steal from the house, the boy grabbed his machete, that the little-league baseball player had purchased with gift cards, and normally used to chop trees. He then snuck up on the burglar and proceeded to hit him on the head,with his tree chopping machete. We all know it must be scary for a kid to have a pellet gun pointed at him, but I don’t know that it gives him carte blanche to go full Friday the Thirteenth on an intruder. If you point so much as a roman candle at this kid, he’ll put you in a blender without a second thought. Most of my questions on this story revolve around what would prompt an 11 year old American kid to buy a machete with his own goddamn money. How much wood does he need to chop? Why is he chopping wood anyway? If his dad is making him chop wood, shouldn’t he at least provide him with a chopping implement? Is he hoping to jump start his baseball career with a 3 year stint in Panamanian minor league ball? Did he also get a malaria shot with gift cards? Read more here
#1: Family fends off home intruders with cutlery.
Scarborough, Ontario May 2007. A Vietnamese family of eleven were eating dinner in their home when they were interrupted as masked intruders forced their way through the front door. While the burglars attention was on the two family members at the door, the other family members armed themselves primarily with forks from the cutlery drawer. They confronted the suspects and proceeded to fork them into submission.
It’s an incredible image , wheeling two suspects into the hospital with eight forks sticking out of each of them as if they were in a kitchen explosion. You can imagine the horror of the two home invaders, after they had been forked a couple times, thinking, I always had a feeling I’d end up forked to death by a Vietnamese family. The craziest part of this story? I lived with a good friend of mine and his family for three months, who are Vietnamese, they owned like three forks, at most. The idea that a Vietnamese family had an arsenal of cutlery with the capacity to fork invaders into submission is a revelation.