The 5: Greg Warren’s Top Five Chain Restaurant Sides
After a ending 10 year career at Procter & Gamble, Greg Warren took a hard left to become a standup comedian, and now he’s a nationally touring headliner and has been featured on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Last Comic Standing, Comedy Central Presents, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, BET and CMT. Greg is a fan favorite on the nationally syndicated Bob and Tom Radio Show and can be heard daily on SiriusXM.
Greg Warren’s new special and album with 800 Pound Gorilla, Where the Field Corn Grows, is available on Amazon, Amazon Prime Direct, Google Play, Xbox Video and Vudu, and the audio-only version is comes out July 21st on all digital music platforms. You can presently hear excerpts from Where the Field Corn Grows on SiriusXM.
To celebrate the release of the new hour, Warren shared with us a definitely list of the top five side dishes you can get in a chain restaurant. And if anyone is an expert in chain restaurants, its a touring comic.
Top Five Chain Restaurant Sides
I’ve spent the last 20 years on the road. I’m no food critic, but I bet I’ve averaged 10-15 meals a week in restaurants – a lot of them chains. I want to thank all the competitors and say this was no easy task. As I write this, my heart goes out to good solid places like Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans and Famous Dave’s. Just because you are not elite does not mean you are not worthy.
#5. The Salad Bar at Ruby Tuesday. Is a salad bar actually a side? Fair question. Ruby T’s lets you include it as a side item so I say count it. I really wanted to get this on the list because I’m not sure salad bars will survive Covid-19. In the 80’s, every restaurant had a salad bar. Even Arby’s made a go of it. Today, I’m only aware of two survivors – R.T. and Marie Callender’s. Marie is good, but she has about 20 less items than Ruby. Now that I think of it, the salad dressing is probably elite at Marie’s, as that is her core business, but I usually go with just olive oil, so I cannot confirm. The RTSB has a ton of choices – my favorites being edamame, sunflower seeds and above all, the pumpernickel croutons – crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside and, if you are there during a refresh, hot. I’m not really big on the premade salads like macaroni or potato but they have plenty of those if that’s your thing.
#4. Breakfast Potatoes at First Watch. If you’re a hash brown person, you don’t belong here. I got nothing against you, but we just don’t like the same things. Got to Denny’s or Ihop or a diner. Go on. I’ve been a First Watcher long enough to know somewhere along the way they changed their potato recipe. Frankly, I liked them better before, but they are still really strong. Perfect onion to potato ratio. Very good texture. Hot every time. The portion size is very fair. Every now and then I’ll go double potatoes which is always too much.
#3. Brussels Sprouts at Bonefish Grill. If I was doing a list of top chain restaurants, Bonefish might be number one. The waiters are pros. They wear chef’s outfits which at first makes you think the front of the house is understaffed, but later is comforting. The sprouts are perfect with just the right amount of crispness. I’m a purist so I usually get them without the aioli and ham, but I keep the balsamic. I have tried to replicate these at home and it’s impossible. They obviously have some sort of scientist on staff that knows exactly how much vinegar to mix in.
#2. Asparagus at Red Lobster. If you live on the road, you gotta get some green vegetables. I bet you I’ve eaten at 45 Red Lobsters and the asparagus is consistent every time. Never soggy. Not once. It is a consistency they we should all aspire to. I am obligated to warn you that asparagus is a premium side. There is an upcharge of around $2.49. I am obligated to warn you because the Red Lobster waitstaff warns you. Every. Single. Time. Again, consistency. The portion is generous. I’m not into kicking chains when they’re down but O’Charley’s has been closing a lot of outlets and I just want to say they have extremely small asparagus portions. Also, with most dishes, you get two sides and a salad. If you want to substitute a third side for the salad, Red Lobster has no problem with that. Perkins has pretty good asparagus too.
#1. Fries at Cheesecake Factory. Fries are the standard currency of sides. Cheesecake’s fries are always hot, crispy and perfectly salted. I am stealing the term “perfectly salted” from Starbucks who branded their chips, “Perfectly Salted”. Starbucks isn’t lying. Their chips are great, but we are here to talk about fries at Cheesecake. They serve them up and down in that wire container thing with parchment paper wrapped around them. I’m not sure why, but fries taste way better vertical than horizontal. I know I’m cheating a little but it’s my list so I’m throwing their sweet potato fries in here too. They are equally outstanding, and you can also get them in the uppy-downy thing. I’ve been called a Cheesecake Factory apologist. At one time this may have been true. Today, I say they have strengths and weaknesses. Their service is a little inconsistent – definitely not Bonefishian. If you have to make alterations to what is printed on the menu, you could be in trouble. However, they have a huge variety of original dishes. Their brussels sprouts give Bonefish a run for their money and I almost converted their guacamole from appetizer to side just to get it on this list. I know I’m not supposed to be talking entrees here, but their salmon is perfect. Ever see a Cheesecake Factory? Packed. High turns are good for seafood.
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