Mary Radzinski is a Philadelphia based stand-up, writer, and comedian. She’s a regular feature at Helium, Goodnights, Cap City, and Punch Line comedy clubs. She’s opened for Dave Attell, Sarah Colonna, Jim Norton, Rosie O’Donnell and more, and you can see her on TruTV’s Greatest Ever. She released her debut comedy album, Discomfortable last year and made our list of the top new albums of 2019. And now, she wants to help you get through the quarantine with your head held up high with these tips that you will want to hang on your wall. Buy Mary’s album, Discomfortable everywhere albums are sold, and good luck in quarantine.
#1 Shower daily. Or, at the very least, go into the bathroom, turn on the shower, have some private time on your phone, or a solid cry, and make sure to emerge in a different pair of jammies.
#2 Discover new recipes. Satisfy your creative cooking curiosity by spending hours scouring Instagram and Pinterest for healthy, new, and delicious meal options. After a lengthy nap, dine on a sleeve of Ritz Crackers and any remaining Cadbury Mini Eggs you’ve hidden..
#3 Reach out to friends and family. Most will respond immediately with a ton of follow up questions, requiring you to fully engage; turn off sound notifications and proceed to the next queued up episode of “90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days”.
#4 Purge your closet! Go through clothing, accessories, and shoes that you haven’t worn since the early Obama years. If they’re not currently out of style, they certainly won’t fit in six months after hibernation and violent anxiety eating – eBay those bitches and save the money for a bevy of sweats and stretch pants in fun colors.
#5 Create a vision board. Unlike traditional vision boards, filled with colorful cutouts and interesting visuals from a craft store, feel free to use past-due credit card statements, Box Store and Pharmacy circulars, as well as food delivery menus that you’ve accrued during this staycation.
#6 Exercise Self care! Treat yourself or a loved one to a pedicure! Get excited and focused on doing something with an end result, only to realize you’re not very good at it and you’re missing some key tools, particularly the potato/cheese grater thing needed for the bottom of your feet. Abort task midway, chalking it up to the fact that you’re now forty-five minutes closer to happy hour.
#7 Find perspective. Think about all of the things you were bitching and moaning about prior to this time, things you “had” to do, that you’d give anything to “get” to do right now. Grabbing a coffee on the way to work. Swinging by the grocery store on your way to the gym. There will come a time when wandering through TJ Maxx and getting your eyebrows waxed will seem like some Kardashian shit.
Send positive vibes and well wishes to people in need. Donate if you can. Be thankful if you’re in a position to read this, roll your eyes, and hopefully have a laugh. Practice kindness, consideration, and patience. We’re all in this together.