The Funniest People on the Planet Make The Funniest Predictions in the Universe for Football’s Biggest Game of the Year

super bowl

As always we are collaborating with the Ron and Fez Show for super bowl to bring you fun, prizes, and super good times.  As part of that excitement, 29 of the funniest comedians on the planet made 29 of the funniest predictions in the Universe for football’s biggest game of the year, which we may or may not be able to refer to as (dun-dun dunnnnn) The Super Bowl.  You can hear them on Ron and Fez’s special, or you can read and listen to them right here on The IBang.  Let us know in the comments who you are picking and what score you are forseeing.  Good luck, and may the team that scores the most points win.

stats

Picked the Patriots 13.
Picked the Seahawks 14.
Thought the Ravens Were Playing 1.
Have no idea what football is 4.
Mentioned Tom Brady’s Balls 9.
Mentioned Russell Wilson’s Balls 0.
Brought Up Cheating 4.
Brought Up Past Unsuccessful Gambling Streaks 1.
Turned a prediction into a movie script 1.

 

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THEY PICKED THE PATRIOTS

Robert Kelly. New England 38 Seattle 6.  Of course, you can hear from my shitty accent that the Patriots are going to win and they’re gonna win big. Why? Cause they cheat.  Okay? I hope they cheat. I hope they’re all on steroids, I hope they deflate the balls, I hope they record all the practices of the Seahawks. What the fuck is a Seahawk? Its just a shit name for a team. I love Seattle. But relax with the Seahawk. It’s a Patriot. We’re the Patriots.  We have Tom Brady, he has a bum chin. We have a coach that doesn’t give a fuck about anything- his family, friends, voting, nothing.  Pussy…he just cares about winning. Do your job. That’s it.  So the Patriots are going to win.  Big time. And the score of the game is going to be 38- nothing. They’re not going to score a fucking point. That’s how pissed off Brady and Belichick are. And the defense…very pissed. Okay they’ll score seven.  You know what fuck seven. They’ll miss the kick.  6.  38-6.  That’s my prediction.  Aw, that would be great if that’s the score. Someone should suck my dick from Seattle if that happens. And that’s all I gotta say you cawksuckahs.  @RobertKelly on Twitter


Artie Lange. New England 38 Seattle 24.  I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl no matter how much air is in the balls. They’re gonna win.  Their offense is clicking and Belichick is now laser focused on winning.  So, I think that spells trouble for the Legion of Boom and the rest of the Seahawks. I like it to be a big scoring game.  38-24. That’s what I’m going with. So the Pats win, I think the over comes in and the Pats easily cover.  All offense for the Patriots, 38-24. That’s what I think but I’ve lost quite a bit of money over the years gambling and that’s something you should consider when listening to me.  ArtieQuitter.com is where you find my podcast.   @artiequitter on Twitter.


Gary Gulman. New England 31 Seattle 17. The Patriots will win 31-17 bringing their season record to 15 and 4.  The MVP will be shared between Rob Gronkowski and Jamie Collins and the rest of America will be furious and New England will be triumphant. Follow Gary on Twitter @GaryGulman.

Joe List. New England 34 Seattle 20.   This is New England’s own Joe List letting you know that the Patriots will be winning on Sunday, 34 to 20. That’s Patriots 34, Seahawks 20.  I love you. Bye. @joelistcomedy on Twitter.


Don Jamieson. New England 31 Seattle 17.  I’m just going to say it. It’s going to be the Patriots (sounds of deflating something). I just have a funny feeling– hey hold on a second– [yelling: hey give this to Tom].  I just think that they’re going to win…I’m doing a little part time work for them right now.  [yelling: leave the last one as it is? okay]  It’s going to be 31-17 I just have a feeling Tom’s going to be able to handle the football. @donjamieson on Twitter


Tammy Pescatelli. New England 28 Seattle 21.  I’m definitely going with the Patriots.  I know that there’s a lot of people that don’t want the Patriots to win, and I understand this whole deflate gate thing especially when they have Tom Brady standing in front of a sign that says flex ball.  Now we’re going to find out even his chin with the dimple has just deflated. But I definitely think its going to be the Patriots over Seattle. I know that kid had a dream- their quarterback- and he got his dream fulfilled last year, so 28-21 the Patriots. @TammyPescatelli on Twitter.


Yannis Pappas. New England 42 Seattle 36.  I unfortunately think the Patriots are going to win even though I hate anything that would bring that city that hates my city so fricking much any joy.  Fuck you Boston! Anyway they’re going to win because they’re going to cheat. They’re going to deflate a ball or poison the food of the Seahawks-  Marshawn Lynch, give him some messed up steak the night before. And they’re going to cheat their way to victory. It’s going to be close though.  I’m going to go 42 to 36, Patriots.  @YannisPappas on Twitter.


Jim Florentine. New England 24 Seattle 20.  I like both teams because most people don’t like them, which I love.  Like last year, ‘oh lets root for Peyton Manning because he’s a good guy, I want Payton to win a Super Bowl.”   There’s none of that.  A lot of people hate Seattle a lot of people hate the Patriots.  I love that storyline. I hope less people watch the Super Bowl because of that. I’m taking Patriots 24-20. @MrJimFlorentine on Twitter


Nick DiPaolo. New England 3 Seattle 2.  New England Patriots fan.  My prediction for the Super Bowl on Sunday- final score, Patriots 3, Seahawks 2.  It will be three nothing the whole game and then there will be a blocked punt. That’s how the Seahawks will get their two points on a safety, and then they’ll actually measure the pressure on the ball– it will be two pounds over what its supposed to be.  So anybody who questions Belichick can go fuck themselves. @nickdipaolo on Twitter.


Dan Soder. New England (no score given). My prediction for the big game is a hopeful Patriots blow out. So all those bandwagon Seattle Seahawks fans can be shown as who they are. Which is nothing more than the Miami Heat fans of the NFL. They’re fakes and we all know it. And also I don’t want to see any fist fights in Massachusetts which always happens if the Patriots lose. So Go Pats! Please beat the Seahawks so we don’t have to watch them repeat. @DanSoder on Twitter

Rick Overton. New England (no score given)  I’m not sure I can pick the right number but I think its going to be the Patriots, I think that Ballghazi will blow over.  I mean look, Belichick himself is under so much pressure he could inflate all the balls. I think they did great on the last few games, they’re on a winning streak. I’m no good with the final score in numbers, so good luck with that.  You know you can bet on anything in Vegas so I’m going to be on whether Brady has to stop to pee during the game. @rickoverton on Twitter.

Matteo Lane. New England 105 Seattle 3.  I am going to make my prediction on who is going to win the Super Bowl…Katy Perry.  Because she has breasts.  No, I don’t give a shit, I don’t even know who’s playing.   Seattle sometin, and then the Boston Patriots are they playing? I’ll go for Boston cause they’re cold and pissed and if I lived in Boston I’d be angry.  Does Tom Brady play for Boston? By the way I’m getting my nails done as we’re speaking. I’m literally getting a pedicure.  So yeah, the score will be 105-3, and Katy Perry will lip sync most of her songs and pretend she’s talented. And that’s my prediction of this year’s Super Bowl. And someone date me, I’m very lonely.  @MatteoLane on Twitter.


Jason Nash. New England 28 Ravens 0.  I know what’s going to happen at the Super Bowl, you know Belichick has been known for very unorthodox plays. I think Belichick puts Fez in, and Fez is like [gay voice] 24! You know he’s hiking the ball, and the other team’s really confused.  “Who is this small man with a Rolly Fingers mustache?”  “24! 13! hut hut!” And then Fez is like, “I don’t know, I don’t care.”  And the Ravens are like, ‘he doesn’t care?’  And all of a sudden Brady– Fez snaps it and Brady scores.  And everyone’s like Fez is a hero! And then when Fez gets in the end zone he spikes the ball and he goes, “I hate Jason Nash.  I’m the one who booked him.” Patriots 28, the Ravens nothing.  There you go from a guy who does not like sports.  Follow @JasonNash on Twitter.


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THEY PICKED THE SEAHAWKS

Big Jay Oakerson.  Seattle 45. New England 15.  My Super Bowl prediction is the Seahawks.  They’re going to win it by 100 and I say that because I hate Tom Brady that much.  Life’s too perfect and I’d like to see him cry. My final score.  Seahawks 45.  Patriots 15.  @Bigjayoakerson on Twitter.

Mike Vecchione. Seattle 27 New England 10. I’m picking the Seahawks to win, 27-10. I think their defense is too strong, and Beast Mode runs it up on em. He just runs it right down their throats. I believe that’s going to happen. So Seattle Seahawks 27-10.  Follow @comicmikev

Jo Koy. Seattle 38 New England 24. Helloooo this is Jo Koy and guess who I got picked for the Super Bowl. Seattle Seahawks.  By 14 points.  38-24.  One, cause the balls are going to be fully inflated Brady.  Try and throw a fully inflated ball! My son is going with me, to the Super Bowl and I spent 16 grand on tickets! Why? Cause I’m from Seattle.  I grew up there. And I waited a long time and I saw a lot of crappy players come through my team.  And I’m not missing this one.  Seattle Seahawks 38. Patriots 24. Ransack. I’ll see you there. Follow @JoKoy on Twitter.

Tom Segura. Seattle 37 New England 28.  I think the Seahawks are going to win. I think it’s going to be a good game. I don’t think its going to come down to a field goal or anything. I think they’ll have decent separation in the end.  I think it will be 37-28 and I think in the fourth quarter, the defense is going to take Seattle to another level along with Lynch’s running game and I think he’ll score. I think he’ll be the last score of the game and I think in that celebration he will do the hold my dick celebration and it will be uncomfortable for the broadcasters but sports fans and black people will love it. @TomSegura on Twitter.

Tom Rhodes. Seattle 52 New England 41.  I think its going to be the greatest Super Bowl in the history of the NFL. I think its going to be a high scoring game.  I think its going to be something crazy like 52-41.  And I think Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks are going to win.  Just simply because the guy cries. He’s not ashamed to break down in tears after an emotional battle out on the grid iron.  And Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks who ever lived, but every razor from gillette pays that guys salary and he’s just a little too much of a pretty boy, so I’m going to go with the cry baby, Russell Wilson, over the pretty boy Tom Brady. That’s my prediction.  @_TomRhodes on Twitter

Jimmy Shubert. Seattle 24 New England 17. Okay, my prediction for the Super Bowl is, I think Seattle is going to beat New England Patriots and it’s going to be 24-17 final score, favor the Seattle Seahawks.  I think Seattle is going to win because deflate gate. I think the fact that everybody’s talking about deflated balls and whatever that is, it’s a giant distraction for Bill Belichick. Although Bill Belichick is a monster, the guy should be working for the military, not coaching football.  But I actually think the Seattle Seahawks after the beating and coming back from that terrible thing with Green Bay, I think that Seattle’s got the momentum going in to this game. I think its Seattle 24-17 final score. @Jimmyshubert on Twitter

Brooks Wheelan. Seattle 21 New England 14.   I don’t know a lot about football. I guess I like the Seahawks better only because they win less it seems.  So I’m going to say Seahawks win, 21-14. That seems like a pretty standard football guess, that’s 5 total touchdowns, I’m pretty sure, so yeah. And Tom Brady, I bet he inflates the footballs completely and is pretty careful about it.  Follow @BrooksWheelan on Twitter.

Open Mike Eagle. Seattle 27 New England 20.  Yo, it pains me to do this, I’m an NFC guy but I gotta go with the Seahawks over the Patriots, 27-20. I gotta go with the Seahawks man. All I can think about is how much cheating the Patriots usually do and they can’t do right now because the feds are on them, so you heard it here first.  Follow @Mike_Eagle on Twitter

Ari Shaffir. Seattle 31 New England 17. My Super Bowl prediction is that Seattle will beat New England because Seattle is full of black people on their team and New England is known as the most racist area in the country. The stars are white, I’m assuming they’re racist. How could they not be. Hey Giselle, fuck you. And I think its’ going to be 31-17. But it wont even be that close. They’ll score a meaningless touchdown late. Yeah. That’s my prediction. Follow @arishaffir.


Ricky Velez. Seattle 5 New England 0.   I’m going with Seattle.  The Pats can’t win after the deflating ball thing. It’s nonsense. They just can’t win this year. Plus I like to see Boston people angry. It’s always great to hear people talk angry with that awful accent.  And I’m saying it’s 5-0.  There’s going to be a safety and a field goal.  It’s going to be amazing.  @RickyVelez on Twitter

Vic Henley.  Seattle 27 New England 24. My always prediction that has not ever come true yet- I want the first Super Bowl overtime ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I don’t really care who wins. i could pull for both. I hope Seattle repeats.  Repeats are always cool in the heart. Will Belichick have Tom Brady’s balls squeezed again, I don’t know. I want a deadlock tie and then overtime, and then lets just say, Seattle by 3, 27-24. Follow @VicHenley even though he doesn’t tweet.

Judah Friedlander.  Seattle 35 New England 32. This is the world champion Judah Friedlander.  Super Bowl predictions. A little difficult to make. Russell Wilson has been texting me all week as has Brady and Belichick. I haven’t texted anyone back yet, I don’t want to give either team the edge.  But Russell Wilson, big fan of God. I think he’s closer to God than all the other people so God might be on his side and they’ll win.  But…I think God showed up early and he’s the one that caused that snowstorm in New England as a result of deflategate. So I think that evens things up and I’m going to go with a very close game and Seattle by 3.  The exact score is going to be 35, to 35 minus 3.  I’m not strong at math. These are my predictions. I’m an athlete.  Follow @JudahWorldChamp.


Paul Morrissey.  Seattle (no score given).  My prediction for the big game is, Russell Wilson is not slowing down after that near goal against Green Bay. So my prediction is Seattle again, over the Tom Brady dynasty, putting Russell Wilson as the top quarterback in the NFL.  Follow @PaulMorrissey


Colin Quinn. Seattle 24 – New England 21.  My name is CQ, Colin Quinn as you know. I’m here on the Ron and Fez Super Bowl spectacular week, calling comedians, getting dumb predictions on the score of the game. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going to happen.  Tom Brady is going to unconsciously sabotage the Super Bowl. Why? Because he knows his whole life has been blessed at least according to all of us.  Handome.  More money. Storybook life.  At least it appears that way to all of us. And then, Belichick is like everybody else. He knows his whole life he was never handsome like Tom Brady. He was never the wanted guy. He had to elbow, kind of nickle and dime, cheating a little bit.  Maybe pushing somebody into a snow puddle across th– you know what I mean?  He had to break the rules. Like everybody else in the world.  He wasn’t blessed that way.  Somehow he got Tom to behave– Tom Brady’s above the Super– he’s bigger than the Super Bowl. He was bigger than the playoffs against the Colts. But somehow Belichick’s like, come on Tom! He made Tom feel guilty. And said Tom, not everybody’s like you. Some of us need this. Some of us need this Tom.  I did it for you Tom.  Why do you think I was looking at the other team’s plays those years. I did it for you Tom.  It was like Jason’s mother in Friday the 13th, you know? Where she goes, I did it for you, Jay, you know what I mean? She did it for him. She murdered for him. So now Tom, is subconsciously gonna rebel, against Belichick.  And just be like no! I’m Tom Brady! I’m the golden boy! I don’t do things like that.  And he’s going to lose the game on purpose.  He’ll throw like six interceptions the first half. They’re gonna have to have a psychiatrist waiting in the locker room for the second half.  I mean, I’ll say the first half will be, lets say 21-0 Seattle.  The second half Brady will just be like, what am i doing? This is not going to solve anything and he’ll come back, Tie it at 21.  And then it will be 24-21, probably Seattle.  24-21. Follow @IamColinQuinn


THEY ARE FOOTBALL CHALLENGED

Christina Pazsitzky. Unicorns 200 Other Team 50.  I think the Salisbury Unicorns are gonna win because they’re very good at quiddich.  I think the score is going to be like 200 to 50.  I don’t fucking know.  Why are you asking me? I don’t watch football, I watch reality shows. I can tell you whose going to win Dating Naked.  Follow @ChristinaP

Joe DeRosa.  One Team 20 Other Team More. I dont even know who is playing in the fucking Super Bowl and that’s the god’s honest truth. So whoever wins, ehhhh I don’t give a shit. So the one team will score 20. And the other team will score more. Yeah, that’s my prediction.  Follow @JoeDeRosa

Who are you picking?  Let us know in the comments and see if you can out pick the masters.

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