The Funniest People on the Planet Make The Funniest Predictions in the Universe for Football’s Biggest Game of the Year: 2017 Edition

As we do every year, we teamed up with SiriusXM’s Bennington show for Super Bowl Sunday to guarantee we are delivering the best comedy coverage of the biggest football game of the year. Because nothing is more important that knowing what funny people think is going to happen in the game. This year, we asked 45 of the funniest comedians on the planet to make 45 of the funniest predictions in the universe for the biggest sporting event in the United States, which we may or may not be able to refer to as (dun-dun dunnnnn) The Super Bowl. Read and listen to those predictions right here, right now, and let us know who you are picking and what score you are foreseeing. This year, it’s new versus old, champion versus underdog, well oiled machine versus the superstar, good versus evil. Who ya got?


Read and listen to those predictions right here, right now, and let us know who you are picking and what score you are foreseeing. This year, it’s new versus old, champion versus underdog, well oiled machine versus the superstar, good versus evil. Who ya got?


Open Mike Eagle. Atlanta 74. New England 3.  I don’t know who’s really going to win? But I want the Falcons to win cause I came really close to liking Tom Brady but he’s too pally with Trump and so I want him to lose everything.  I want him to lose really bad in fact. So I think the Falcons are going to win like 74-3 and its because I don’t like Tom Brady. That’s my sound reasoning.

Greg Stone.  Atlanta 36. New England 17.  I’m going to go Falcons, cause falcons fly. I’m going to go ahead with the score of 36-17. Cause falcons fly baby. Birds fly. You want to stay in the sky, with Patriots, this guy is gonna walk around.  Birds, baby. Birds fly.  I don’t watch much football.

Gary Gulman. Atlanta 37. New England 21.  I think that the final score is going to be Falcons 37, Patriots 21.  And I think that because I’m doing a reverse jinx, cause I…the whole universe won’t let me be happy. But if somehow the universe thinks I’m happy, but the prediction comes true then Ill be happy cause the Patriots won.  So the universe is not going to let me be happy cause they think I want the Falcons to win.  But I really secretly don’t. But I don’t think the universe is in tune with me enough to pick up on that.  So I’m predicting a Falcons victory even though what will make me happy is the Patriots winning.  Now I may have undone that by stating this, but I’m pretty sure the universe is only listening to the first part of this and will think that I really want the Falcons to win, and then they’ll lose.  So that’s my prediction.

Paul Morrissey.  Atlanta 35. New England 21.  My pick is, it’s Patriots and the Falcons, but Donald Trump will sign an executive order to get his old team, the New Jersey Generals in the Super Bowl and Doug Flutie will actually get his Super Bowl ring. I’m joking hopefully. I think the Falcons’ time to rise up is this year. They will beat Tom Brady and the Patriots. And the final score will be 35 to 21. And you heard it here first.

Craig Gass. Atlanta 40. Patriots 28.  I’m gonna say Falcons.  I think the score is going to be 40 to 28. It’s just a random number. Nobody is ever anywhere close to the number. You watch any predictions, the beginning of an NFL season, before Super Bowl. Nobody is ever anywhere close.  It’s just a random dumb number that I’m throwing out.  But I’m saying 40-28 Falcons because the Falcons just have an insane offense that they split amongst…it seems like there’s 12 receivers on the team that are all racking up 15 to 20 yards a game. Each. It’s a really impressive team this year. I’m just looking for a good game.  And good commercials.

Donnell Rawlings.  Atlanta 24. New England 21. I think the Atlanta Falcons are going to win the Super Bowl, because I have two ex-girlfriends from Boston. I hate everything Boston, and there’s way more black people on the Falcons and I connect with that so the brothers gonna do it and the score is going to be 34 to 21 Atlanta Falcons lets go.


Pete Lee.  Atlanta 34. New England 14.  I’m going to pick Atlanta because they’ve never won the big game. That town has had more Olympics than Lombardi Trophies. I”m going final score Atlanta 34, Patriots 14.

Dave Temple. Atlanta 34. New England 17.  My Super Bowl prediction will be the Atlanta Falcons over Patriots alright?  34-17. Reason being- it’s the year of the upset.  We’ve got the Cubs won, Trump. By a landslide. 34-17.  Bet on it.

Yannis Pappas.  Atlanta 24. New England 10.  This Super Bowl is personal to me because I’m a Giants fan and the Patriots are just lucky they’re not seeing Eli and the boys this year. I hate the Patriots like ISIS, so my prediction is from the heart. I don’t have money on the game.  This isn’t what my football expertise predicts. I just hope the Patriots lose. So I’m going to make an emotional personal prediction that the Falcons win 24-10. It’s going to be Matt Ryan, Julio Jones all day.

Neko White.  Atlanta 28. New England 21.  I think the Falcons are going to take it. Why? Cause  they’ve never had a championship before. The Patriots have had all the Championships.  So I’m putting my money on the Falcons. I don’t know how they gonna win, I don’t know what the score is. I’m calling, hmm 21-28, Falcons advantage. Cause I don’t watch football.

Dan Soder.  Atlanta 28. New England 24. It’s Dan Soder from the Bonfire and Billions Season 2, Feb 19 on Showtime. I think the winner of the Super Bowl is gonna be the Atlanta Falcons. Cause birds can fly so high.  Also my best friend from seventh grade is one of the coaches.  Final score?  I’m gonna go 28-24, Falcons.

Tommy Pope.  Atlanta 28. New England 24.  I want the Falcons to win because I’ve had enough Boston sports for a lifetime. I think they’ve won enough. They conned America into feeling sorry for the Red Sox slumps while having winning franchises in the Celtics, the Bruins the Patriots. It’s just too much. I’ve had enough Boston. I just saw a trailer for an action movie today about the Great Wall of China. This all Asian movie starring Matt Damon. I’ve had enough. So I want Atlanta. I think they’re going to win 28-24.

Liza Treyger. Atlanta 27. New England 24. I want the Falcons to win because I have family that lives there so I’d like to support them and I hate the Patriots because they win too much, Tom Brady’s a douche, they all look like they vote for Trump, they cheat, and his diet is insane and I don’t think they’re good people so I don’t want them to win.  I was going to say Boston has a lot, but they did have that terrorist attack so I’ll lay off on Boston.  But I”m mostly watching the Super Bowl for Lady Gaga, I’ll be full on honest.  I can’t wait for Lady Gaga. She’s going to nail it  She kills it at every live performance and I can’t wait to see what she does. I think the score is going to be close, just a field goal, 27-24.

Paul Virzi.  Atlanta 28. Patriots 26. The Falcons, 28, Patriots 26. I think the Falcons offense will be able to keep up with what the Patriots do and maybe make a big play on defense.

Kathleen Madigan. Atlanta no score given.  The Falcons. Because that owner seems so fun. Nobody paid attention to them all year, I feel like they didn’t get talked about or anything. And Tom Brady- but then I feel like, I don’t know, I’ve seen interviews where I liked Tom Brady. I don’t like Belichick, who does? I don’t think Belichick likes Belichick. He’s just a grumbly grumpy- never see him smile. Even when they win- he’s got his little notebook and he’s walking around with his sweatshirt. Gotta go get the plan for next year. Do you ever just enjoy it? I don’t know, everybody hates the patriots I guess. Except Boston people. The Atlanta owner seems fun, they were all making fun of his dancing- all the players.  They like him.  All the players say nice stuff about him. And I think Atlanta is going to win. I saw the line was 3? Pffffff yeah, I would definitely take Atlanta.

Joe DeRosa.  No score given but Atlanta by up to 67.  I’m gonna pick the Falcons. Cause I like the colors of the uniforms and it’s a cool bird. I predict they’ll win by landslide.  42-0. No, 51 to 0. Anywhere from 42 to 67 to zero in favor of the Falcons.

Shane Gillis. No score given, but Atlanta by 14. This is Shane Gillis. I think the Falcons are going to win. I think they’re going to win by 14. I think it’s going to be a big win and Julio Jones. That’s the reason.

Derek Gaines. No score given but Atlanta by 13.  I think the Falcons are going to take it. They’re gonna win by 13 points. I don’t know why they are.  I think it’s the year for black.  Everything is going good. Fences was good. Hidden Figures was good. Why not the Falcons beat the Pats? It’s just poetry. Come on bro. It’s gonna be one hell of a show.  They’re gonna win by 13 points, its going to be one hell of a Super Bowl. I’m looking forward to it.

Roy Wood Jr. Score given but Atlanta by 10.  I’m telling you’all right now. Falcons by 10. Why? Because I am from Birmingham and it’s close to Atlanta. That’s why. Final score, Falcons 38, Patriots 21.  Okay that’s not ten points. Screw math.


Tim Dillon. No score given, but Blacks by 5. I give it to the Falcons. Why? Because I don’t know if we’re going to have a Super Bowl this year. I think it might just be a race war. And I think the whites are going to lose, and so final score, I dunno. Blacks by 5.


Kendra Cunningham. New England 42. Atlanta 7. I think it’s going to be the Patriots all the way.  And the final score is going to be 42-7.  I think they’re going to win just because that’s their reputation. Being the winners.  They always make the other team– come out slow and make the other team think that they have a chance and then in the third and fourth quarter, forget it. They get a little cocky and they win the game.

Chad Zumock. New England 35 Atlanta 14. Those two psychos Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will never lose to the Falcons. They will do anything to have that scumbag Roger Goodell hand over that Super Bowl trophy and MVP after he suspended Tom Brady and costed him millions of dollars in attorney fees. Not only that, Brady has been there before 6 times and the Falcons are just happy to be there. Then again, what do I know? I’m a Cleveland Browns fan.

Nick Di Paolo. New England 38. Atlanta 24. I think the New England Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl, 38 to 24. The reason being, Tom Brady is a hunk. I mean just a piece of ass this kid. And Bill Belichick’s personality is nothing to laugh at either. I think combined with a strong secondary and a flex defense and two transgender safeties, they will win the game.  The New England Patriots.

Big Jay Oakerson. New England 34.  Atlanta 20.  My Super Bowl prediction is, stupid Patriots.  I hate ’em so much. Tom is so gorgeous. You fucking cawksucka, he’s not my damn quarterback.  It’s going to be the Patriots. Probably 34 – 20.

Monroe Martin. New England 28. Atlanta 17.  My prediction is the Patriots. I’m thinking 28-17. I just feel like the Patriots got more to prove this year.  And I don’t know too much about the Falcons. That’s it. Alright.

Robby Slowik. New England 28. Atlanta 17.  As much as it pains me to say, cause I do hate saying it, I think the Patriots are going to win, it’s going to be 28 to 17, and I think the Patriots win because look, they’ve been here so many times, this is Brady’s seventh Super Bowl, he knows what he’s doing and if they have to, they’ll cheat to win.

Mike Vecchione. New England 34. Atlanta 28.  I believe with all my heart that the Patriots will win the Super Bowl. I think that nobody’s going to beat Tom Brady in the biggest game. Atlanta had a good run. Atlanta also looked too good. They looked too good to be true. So I think they fall off a little bit. But I think it’s a close game. 34-28 Patriots.

Joe List. New England 41. Atlanta 34.  Hey this is Joe List from Whitman, Massachusetts, birthplace of the chocolate chip cookie and the heart of New England.  The Patriots will win 41-34.  Why? Because they have a Lacrosse player from Monmouth College who carved up the Steelers’ defense. 41-34 go Pats.

Tammy Pescatelli.  New England 28. Atlanta 21.  I think, now I don’t necessarily want them to win, but I think the Patriots are going to win. Because Brady has just put it to everybody. This is a year that people have been sick to their stomachs.  Who’s protesting…we’re gonna see grown men taking safety pins and stabbing themselves in the eye because Tom Brady is just going to get one more glory. I don’t have a horse in this race, I’m from Cleveland and we don’t even have a professional football team. So I think the final score is going to be 21, 28, Patriots.

Mike Cannon.  New England 24. Atlanta 17.  I think the Patriots are probably going to win the Super Bowl.  24-17 more or less because Tom Brady can beat anybody that’s not the Giants.

Seaton Smith. New England 35. Atlanta 29. I’m hoping the Patriots win. I’m gonna go with a weird score like 35-29 and I”m just hoping– I really want this because I really feel like my boys are Falcons fans and the Falcons always wonderfully choke at the right time. And I’m hoping it’s the moment where Matt Ryan throws that interception where my boy can cry. That’s what I’m hoping for.

Mitchell Walters. New England 36. Atlanta 30. It will be all New England. The high area code, 617 over a 404.  Even if they’re playing 713, it don’t matter. It’s all New England. Final score, 36-30.

Nate Bargatze. New England 38. Atlanta 34.  My prediction is the Patriots win over the Falcons, 38 to 34.  And I think that Kyle Shanahan going to the 49ers will be a bigger distraction than people think. I think when a coach ends up leaving the team, right when there’s stuff happening, I think that will be a big distraction. Belichick is the best coach ever so that’s my prediction.

Jimmy Shubert.  New England 32. Atlanta 28. Who I want to win would be the Atlanta Falcons.  Who do I think is going to win, it’s probably going to be the New England Patriots, although they don’t have all their weapons, but do they ever get sick and tired of fricking winning? Bill Belichick is evil. He should be working for the government.  And can he dress like a grown man or does he gotta dress like he’s wearing his big brother’s hand me downs? Holy smokes, this guy’s a grown man! What’s he gonna wear to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony?  A wife beater and a pair of flip flops?  Anyway, I’m kind of pulling for the Falcons, but I think the New England Patriots are going to win and the final score is going to be like 32-28.

Barry Crimmins.  New England 31. Atlanta 27.  I think Atlanta is up and coming. It may be time for the changing of the guards, but I’m playing Boston this week, so I’m picking the Patriots and miserable Belichick.  I think the score I going to be 31-27 Pats. It’s going to be a  good game.

Jim Florentine. New England 31. Atlanta 27.  I’m going to predict New England’s gonna win 31-27. It’s going to be close. But Tom Brady’s been there, what six times already? This is Matt Ryan’s first time. The Falcons are not playing in that cushy dome where they’re used to completing every pass. They’re going to be outside. Even though it’s still gonna be nice weather, they’re playing outside in the grass- gonna slow them up a little bit. I’m going to take Brady six times at a Super Bowl compared to Matt Ryan twice. He’ll be like Cam Newton last year.  He’ll choke, but they’ll keep it close.  31-27. And I’m hoping this comes true cause I got 1500 on the Patriots.

Anthony DeVito. New England 30. Atlanta 27.  I think the Pats will win. I think it will be close though. I think it will be 30-27.  I think Atlanta– they have a great offense and their defense is better than they’re getting credit for, but Belichick is just too good as a coach, and Brady’s unbelieveable at the Super Bowl.  So that is my unfortunate pick. I’d love Atlanta to win though.

Adam Ferrara. New England 27. Atlanta 24.  Alright, I’m a Jets fan so they’re the evil empire, I can’t stand them. But Belichick…he’s gonna…Hogan is a Lacrosse player and he’s catching passes. He’s going to take away Julio Jones, Altanta’s defense is kind of suspect, so I think they’re gonna cover.  And as much as it pains me to say this, I’m going to take the Pats, 27-24.

Don Jamieson. New England 27. Atlanta 24.  I hate to say this, but I think the Patriots are going to win.  I want Atlanta to win but I think the Patriots are going to win.  Cause they’ll probably cheat and then we’ll have to watch Rob Gronkowski with his shirt off dancing on a table in some bar in Boston which…doesn’t infuriate anybody.  27-24, Patriots.  Ichhhh go Mets.

Luis J. Gomez. New England 108. Atlanta 106.  The Patriots. Those guys have had a good career I think. It’s a team that I hear, their names come up a lot. I’ll be honest with you. Nobody ever mentions the Falcons to me.  This is the first time that I’m even hearing that they’re a football team. If you would have said what sport do the Falcons play, I would have said ice hockey or lacrosse.  Falcons are not a really manly animal. So based off of how aggressive and unmanly both of those things are, Patriots very manly right now, very aggressive, building a wall, the whole thing right now, gotta go with the Patriots, they’re on a roll right now. The score?  Let me guess, 108-106, it’s going to be a close game.

Jim Norton. New England 2. Atlanta 0.  I’m usually good at these. My prediction for the Super Bowl is that it’s going to be New England. 2-0. I think its going to be scoreless up until about a minutes left in the fourth, and then a safety is going to be the deciding factor.  Everyone so far has told me I’m an asshole. But I say 2-0 New England.

Robert Kelly. No score given, but a lot.  Here’s the deal. The Patriots are going to win. Why? Cause they’re the fucking Pats. I’m from Boston. I have no choice. Okay? Other places. If you’re from Atlanta, you can pick the Pats.  Nobody gives a shit. When you’re from New York, Boston, or Philly or Chicago, you have to pick your team, no matter what. So Pats are gonna win. How are they gonna win? Why are they gonna win?  Because they’re the fucking Patriots. They always win.  Unless it’s the Giants and that cockeyed Manning kid throws up a Hail Mary or whatever voodoo doll he had made to beat Tom Brady twice. That doesn’t even make sense by the way.  But…Pats win, cause they’re the Pats. And the score, I’m telling you right now.  You ready for the score?  14-0. No I’m kidding.  Watch that be the score, you guys would shit your pants. It’s going to be a blowout. The Pats are going to run the board. They’re going to run it out real quick right at the beginning and they’re going to tire out that stupid defense. It’s going to be thirty something to in the teens. They’re going to get in the teens that’s it. They’re going to panic in the big show. They’re going to get all whipped up.  Brady cut his hair and he gave a speech and he screamed. He’s on fire. He wants that ring. So it’s going to happen. Pats all the way.

Casey Balsham. No score given but by about 20.  I’m gonna have to say the Patriots. I just feel like they’re the more winning team. I don’t really even know anything about the Falcons…that’s who they’re playing right? I believe in Gisele’s Instagram, so that’s another reason I think they’re going to win. I think the Pats are going to get up into the 40s and the Falcons are going to be in the 20s.

Tommy Johnagin.  No score given. It’s hard to bet against Tom Brady cause he cried this week and he eats so well. I think I’m going to go Patriots and I think they’ll cover. I think I’m going to take the over and I dunno, I have no confidence in it.

Tom Segura. No score given.  I feel like it would be really exciting to see the Falcons pull it off. I’m big on cities that are not regular people making appearances in the game, getting one. I’m a big fan of Devonta Freeman the running back.  I think it would be really cool. But I also feel like this is a laser-focused fuck you Roger Goodell year for the Patriots and that makes me feel like they’re going to be too much and they’re going to pull it off. So as much as I want to pick Falcons, I think the Pats are going to do it.

Sherrod Small. No score given. I’m gonna have to say I want Atlanta to win, but Tom Brady’s gonna win. Lose or win, Tom Brady’s winning. Look at his head of hair, and that wife.  And those beautiful {bleeeeep} kids.  I’m pulling for Atlanta, but Tom Brady always wins.

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