Carolyn Bergier’s The 5: Dyking Out Podcast Chooses the Five Worst Lesbian Sex Scenes

Carolyn Bergier is a writer and stand up comedian based in New York City. She’s performed in the Cinder Block, She Devil, and Devil’s Cup comedy festivals. Carolyn is a graduate of the Upright Citizens Brigade sketch and improvisational comedy programs. She’s a former writer for the PITtv web series Who Won The Internet, a contributor to Funny or Die, and a current writer for The Box. She has also appeared in videos for Elite Daily and OutliciousTV. She’s also the Producer, Creative Director & Co-Host of the popular LGTBQ Podcast, Dyking Out, which is also a regular live stand up showcase at Stonewall.

Whether it’s because they’re directed by men, played by straight people, or physically impossible to pull off (unless you’re that four-armed lady from the lesbian OK Cupid ad), there are many ways in which lesbian sex scenes can miss the mark. And missing the mark during sex is a heterosexual thing, so here 5 lesbian sex scenes that could have and should have been better.

Disobedience (2017)

There was a lot of anticipation around seeing some hot Rachel (Weisz) on Rachel (McAdams) action, but it didn’t go down quite how we expected. First, you have to sit through 19 hours (rough estimate) of slow-moving grief, religious stuff, and heterosexual sex (both of them!) to get to the first Rachel2 kiss. Which is worth it. We’ve sat through worse. Much worse (ever heard of a TV show called The 100?). Once the pair escapes to a hotel room, that’s when things heat up. A wig comes off. Bottoms come off…but underwear stays on, which, okay. We weren’t expecting full frontal nudity from A-listers, but tops also stay on. Who wears a long-sleeve top when you’re having steamy affair sex with someone you haven’t slept with in over a decade? And then of course, the infamous record scratch moment: Top Rachel spits into bottom Rachel’s mouth, who holds said mouth wide open for 15-seconds too long and MOANS while spit falls in. Maybe it’s because they obviously used lube as spit, or maybe it just wasn’t relatable on the whole, but most women were not into it.

Blue Is The Warmest Color (2013)

Most queer women agree that this movie had one of the most uncomfortable and unrealistic lesbian sex scenes of any movie, and that was before most of us knew what went down behind the scenes. Director Abdellatif Kenchiche didn’t block or give direction for the sex scene, which is normal protocal, and instead had the two straight actresses figure it out themselves during extremely long and uncomfortable shoots. The result? A long (over SIX minutes), pornographically-shot scene. In the movie, one of the characters is a 15-year-old who is having sex with a woman for the first time, so that alone is enough to make most women feel like they shouldn’t be watching. Also, it looked NOTHING like the lesbian sex I was having in my teens. They are going at it hardcore, like, copious ass-eating and dinner-for-two positions. If that reflects your first time having sex, bravo. But it seemed really out of place given the context of where they were in their relationship. P.S. If you’re a man who is reading this thinking, “this sounds hot, what’s the problem?” You’re the problem.

If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000)

You’d think sexual chemistry would come easily between any lesbian and Sharon freaking Stone, but Ellen Degenerous seems to have more chemistry with George W. Bush than with the actress who appeals to our most basic of instincts. With so many closeups and cutaways, it’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on under those sheets. Ellen rolls over in the bed almost as much as she does for her conservative supporters. It’s pretty clear that the two of them feel the same way we do about the on-screen love-making (probably the only time I’ve non-ironically used that word to describe sex), as the scene ends with them cuddling and…laughing?

Imagine Me & You (2005)

This sex scene was awful because…it never happened. In 2005, we finally got a mainstream lesbian romcom that didn’t suck, starring Cersei Lannister and gay-for-pay actor Piper Perabo. In a very typical romcom moment, Piper’s character goes to her love interest’s flower shop to tell her that she can’t see her anymore. She re-enters as soon as she exits to plant a steamy kiss, and the two begin to playfully tumble around while delivering the goods. But the scene abruptly ends when one of them declares she has “thorns in my bum,” while the other’s husband just happens to show up at the shop killing any hopes that they will remove the thorns and commence scissoring.

The L Word, Season 2 Episode 9 (2005)

Jenny is sitting on the toilet peeing. Carmen comes and straddles Jenny. Carmen pees on Jenny? Jenny orgasms? I watched this episode with my mom?! BRB gotta run to therapy.

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