Gizmodo reported that since quarantine began, vibrating jack off apps are getting results off the charts, with 1.1 million downloads going to the top 10 masturbation apps each month. In the top 5, Vibrator, Strong vibration massage for women – Vibrator, strong vibrator & vibration massager relax body, Vibrator Massage iVibe, and Vibrator G Vibrating Massager.

Things sure are lonely but at least your own personal sex robot can fit in your pocket but can also check your work email.

Read more at gizmodo.com.

Trump wants the schools open but his kid’s school is not opening.

That’s OK as long as the rest of them do.

Read more at businessinsider.com.

The lack of coins moving through the economy is hurting laundromats who are now hitting up banks for quarters. This is just what the home washboard movement needed.

Read more at bloombergquint.com.

Washington State has confirmed they’ve finally spotted one murder hornet in the traps they set up. They have two months before mating season to get em.

I’m doing my part!

Would you like to know more?

Read more at cbs.com.

After Trump threatened to ban Tik Tok in America, the new plan is for Microsoft to try and buy it in the next 45 days. We can all trust Microsoft with our information, nothing to see here folks.

Read more at cnbc.com.

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is still happening and they’re expecting up to 250,000 people attending. Knowing the average weight and age of your American biker, this could wipe out the whole community.

Read more at apnews.com.

Mike Tyson says he will have a ‘search and destroy’ mentality when he faces Roy Jones, Jr in September – even though the California State Athletic Commission reiterated that there will be no headhunting allowed during this exhibition fight. Tyson added that he’s ‘looking forward to recapturing my glory’ and if that he’s ‘always looking’ for a knockout. Hopefully the former champ has been watching a loop of the Ivan Drago-Apollo Creed fight from Rocky IV.

Read more at tmz.com.

Doug Pederson, head coach for the Philadelphia Eagles, has Covid.

Don’t worry, this won’t stop the NFL. They’re used to putting their players in physical danger for their fans pleasure.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson test positive for Covid-19

Eagle Eye Jesse Hawken tweeted: “Today I learned that Rodney Dangerfield is an extra in Kubrick’s THE KILLING.

Only Kubrick told Rodney he was an extra large.

No respect.

Today I learned that Rodney Dangerfield is an extra in Kubrick’s THE KILLING, this has officially blown my mind pic.twitter.com/zhVdHYyZ3b

— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) August 1, 2020

How dare Bono and the Edge mung up the most sacred song in the long history of Rock.

Et Tu U2

Read more at boingboing.

Dave Bautista denied a report that he would be playing Bane in the upcoming Batman reboot – but claimed he tried his best to land the coveted role. Reps for the former WWE star would not confirm that his audition reel contained him power bombing men dressed up as Batman.

Read more at yahoo.com.

Jeffrey Epstein accuser Virginia Giuffre claimed that Prince Andrew has a creepy foot fetish. In her book manuscript called ‘The Billionaire Playboy’s Club’, Giuffre said that the Duke Of York loved her feet and enjoyed licking between my toes’. Prince Andrew has vehemently denied that he had sex with Giuffre, but would not comment on a report that he likes to binge watch Quentin Tarentino movies.

Read more at nypost.com.

According to industry insiders, James Corden is in line to replace Ellen DeGeneres if she plans on leaving her successful daytime talk show. Sources claim that the Late Late Show host was considered as a long term successor to Ellen, even before misconduct allegations against the show staff surfaced. Network executives have denied a report that Cordon and DeGenres will do a carpool karaoke version of ‘All By Myself’ as a way to pass the torch.

Read more at pagesix.com.

According to video game designer Phil Campbell, David Bowie wanted to relaunch his Ziggy Stardust character from space. While working on the score to video game Omikron: The Nomad Soul, David Bowie wanted to re-launch his Ziggy Stardust character – from space. According to game designer Phil Campbell, they had planned on buying old satellites circling the Earth and have Ziggy beam transmissions back to Earth. Reportedly, the plan didn’t materialize because NASA officials also wanted Bowie to bring back Major Tom.

Read more at nme.com.

Mr. Spears is pissed that he’s become the bad guy and is accused of stealing from his famous kid. “I have to report every nickel and dime spent to the court every year,” he said. “How the hell would I steal something?”

Well, that settles it! I’m sure this will put it to rest for everyone…

Read more at pagesix.

Seth Rogan recently said that plans for a sequel to Pineapple Express got shot down in 2014 over budget concerns. Rogan said producer Judd Apatow wanted to double the original film’s budget to 50 million and Sony Pictures wanted to keep it under 45 million. The extra 5 million was slated for White Castles and other munchies.

Read more at variety.com.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is still holding a grudge about the 2019 film adaptation of his hit musical Cats. The award-winning composer called out directed Tom Hooper, who he said ‘didn’t want anybody involved in it who was involved in the original show’. He later called the movie ‘ridiculous’. Who knew a film with cat-wearing celebrities singing bad songs would bomb at the box office?

Read more at ew.com.

This is the type of social media content we need at a time like this.

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You know things are getting weird when you can’t get White Supremacist to be a gentleman.

Forget it Jake. It’s Florida.

Read more at tmz.com.

A self-proclaimed white supremacist in Florida attacks an innocent woman after praising Donald Trump pic.twitter.com/vCec0xn87S

— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) August 1, 2020

While you’re at it, there’s suspicious looking hopscotch drawing a few houses down. Probably gang signs!

Dr. Deborah Birx says, "we are in a new phase" of the coronavirus pandemic adding, "This epidemic right now is different and it's … more widespread and it's both rural and urban" #CNNSOTU pic.twitter.com/w09X9GrhL0

— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) August 2, 2020