The 5: Blake Wexler’s Five Worst Hangover-Inducing Types of Booze

Blake Wexler, chart-topping standup comedian’s sophomore album Stuffed Boy is is out this weekend exclusively on Audible, and its already available for pre-order everywhere albums are available. The album was recorded at UCB in Los Angeles and introduced by Todd Glass who left the 12 years of voice messages that BlakeWexler released for the world to hear. On Stuffed Boy, Wexler jokes about night terrors, taking PMS medication for a hangover, and his gleeful discovery of a legendary pitcher’s LinkedIn account. To close it all out, Blake tells a 17-minute deeply personal, emotional, and darkly funny story about a family illness. Blake Wexler started doing stand-up at the age of 15 in Philadelphia, then moved to Boston in 2007 to pursue his comedy career and attend Emerson College. Since moving to LA, Blake can be regularly heard on The Cracked Podcast & The Todd Glass Show.

This week Blake brings us a brand new 5, looking to educate you about the types of alcohol that cause the worst hangovers. Is there science that can back up or refute these claims? You know what, I’m sure there is, but that’s outside my area of expertise. What I am an expert in is being hungover, being around people who are hungover, and using a wealth of years from observing how people drink and what fucks them up (both physically and spiritually). Please see this list for what it is: an educational opportunity.

Order Blake’s new CD on Amazon or iTunes or anywhere albums are sold, and follow him on Instagram!

Number 5: Champagne. The celebration is fucking over. The blissful emotion of an event that causes you to pop-bottles the previous night, juxtaposed next to the paralyzing hell of the following morning is enough to plunge you into a full-fledged existential crisis. A champagne hangover literally feels like someone took an Ace-of-Spaces bottle and broke it over your brain. Sugar content probably also has something to do with it too, as after a night of binge-drinking champagne makes your bones feel like they have the consistency of a quasi-hardened pixie stick.

Number 4: Brandy. Brandy has made a comeback in the U.S. over the past year, which is odd because why would you want to drink like a pirate. Have you ever seen a pirate in a good mood? Are buccaneers morning people? Ridiculous.

Number 3: IPAs. This is heartbreaking because they’re so awesome. And there’s so many different types of IPAs out there to try, and, at worst, they’re all great. Citrussy. Hoppy. Piney. Bitter. Holy shit. Unfortunately, there’s something about reaching your late 20s/early 30s that makes you feel like you got run over by your stepfather’s truck the morning after having three or more of these.

You know what, clear your schedule for the next day and just drink them anyway. It’s worth it.

Number 2: Fireball Shots. Is this really the life you wanted for yourself? Grow the fuck up.

Number 1: Old Fashioneds. Imagine the most the most delicious non-carbonated sweet soda on earth, but it also has an ingredient that makes you feel good and impairs your judgement to limit how many you drink. That’s what Old Fashioneds are.

If that’s not enough, ordering an Old Fashioned is the closest a person can possibly come to feeling like a cool Republican. Speaking of Republicans, don’t drink “old” anything.

Stay away from Old Thompson Whiskey (I drank this in college and honestly it should’ve killed me), and Old Milwaukee (you know how great present-day Milwaukee is? Let’s bring back a “beer” recipe from when drunk driving was legal in that “city”) and Olde English (it’s mentioned in Macklemore song about being Irish for christsakes – I’m so sorry I know that) just to name a few.

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