Not Enough Room in the Lifeboat: Conquerors



The World Conqueror Ship is Sinking and Uh Oh, There’s Only Room For 3…

Just imagine. Four Conquerors, all on one ship. But oh shit, the ship is sinking. Genghis Kahn, Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun and Napoleon are about to go down with the ship. There’s a lifeboat, but there’s only room for three of them. Which world conqueror doesn’t get a seat?

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102 Comments

  1. harlequincy

    November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Get rid of shorty

  2. queenelisabeth

    November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    no william the conqueror?

    • TemporalGrid

      November 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

      @queenelisabeth He came to mind when Ron said the brits didn’t have a stand out conqueror. Well, he was their conqueror after all……

  3. Uberhack

    November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Nappy is out because of the Russian campaign alone.

  4. LizSetsFire

    November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    I love napoleons. Mmmmm.

  5. Rorschach7

    November 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Ghenghis is OUT.. His son Kublai was better than he was in the conquering and maintaing stability. The Huns were amazing.. Alexander was brilliant and cunning.. and Napoleon is my niggah. Me and Napoleon are tight.

    • memeseeker

      November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

      @Rorschach7 Ghengis was the founder of the largest geographic empire the world has ever seen.

      • Rorschach7

        November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

        @memeseeker He over reached.. hes off the boat.

      • sidwasout

        November 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm

        @memeseeker  @Rorschach7
         British Empire was actually bigger, but took much longer to get to its largest state.

  6. TemporalGrid

    November 13, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    The Frenchman has to go.

  7. Steve_in_Tampa

    November 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Paul O and Pepper need to both sprint to the nearest health professional.  Check that, walk briskly.

  8. Narc Zito

    November 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Did Pepper just confuse a chiropractor with a doctor?

  9. jerkaruso

    November 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I say Nepoleon is out. I’m not taking a guy who can’t conquer Russia.

    • OllieInChicago

      November 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm

      @jerkaruso No Hitler?

    • Narc Zito

      November 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

      @jerkaruso He learned quickly that Russia conquers you.

      • DeathProof

        November 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

        @Narc Zito  @jerkaruso Fighting the war on two fronts in winter cost him the war.

      • Narc Zito

        November 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

        @DeathProof  @jerkaruso Truthbomb.

  10. Docintoxicated

    November 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Attila is off the boat.I’d drop everyone but Genghis to pick up Charlemagne, he’s the man who brought us out of the dark ages and lead to the creation of modern Europe.

  11. AaronInDunedin

    November 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Get rid of Napoleon. He never got as much territory as the others and had more technology to do it with.

  12. DeathProof

    November 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Bonaparte…more like Boner Fart!

  13. harlequincy

    November 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Put that Centaur down already.

  14. Narc Zito

    November 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Osama Bin Laden actually was thrown off the lifeboat.

  15. Binary Daoist

    November 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    They will all kill each other anyways.

  16. Uberhack

    November 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Alexander didn’t go into India because his men basically revolted.

  17. SpongeSteve

    November 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Is this the 5 or life boat? Throw someone off fucker

  18. Narc Zito

    November 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    General Tso conquered my hunger a couple nights ago.  He’s the best.

    • Uberhack

      November 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

      @Narc Zito I’m fuckin’ starvin’. We got any General Tso back there?

  19. Docintoxicated

    November 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Alexander the grape was constantly losing his territory in the candy aisle to lemonheads.

    • Steve_in_Tampa

      November 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

      @Docintoxicated He was always last in my box of Otter Pops.  Sir Isaac lime ruled that time period.

  20. OllieInChicago

    November 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Napoleon has to be safe.  One of the best strategical minds of all time.

    • Uberhack

      November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

      @OllieInChicago Great strategist is different than a great conqueror.

    • jerkaruso

      November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

      @OllieInChicago Until he strolled on into Russia.

    • memeseeker

      November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      @OllieInChicago Yeah over extending his supply lines and being trapped in Russia during the winter with a horrifically under equipped army.

  21. queenelisabeth

    November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Henry V reconquered most of France

    • DeathProof

      November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      @queenelisabeth They let anyone right in. Not saying much.

  22. jerkstoresean

    November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Fuck Napoleon. He’s got that little shit complex

  23. BigMike2012

    November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    KHHHHHAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. queenelisabeth

    November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    What about Julius Caesar and Octavian?

    • jerkstoresean

      November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      @queenelisabeth I was hoping a “The terrible” would be in there

    • harlequincy

      November 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

      @queenelisabeth Orange Julius

      • OllieInChicago

        November 13, 2012 at 1:27 pm

        @harlequincy  @queenelisabeth Julius Erving, conquered the paint, ruled the glass.

      • harlequincy

        November 13, 2012 at 1:28 pm

        @OllieInChicago  @queenelisabeth love to see someone try to throw that lanky mufucker out the boat

  25. harlequincy

    November 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Nap ol Kings of Leon

  26. lickballs

    November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Astorian is no Historian.  Better Headlines, better headlines.

  27. K Dubya

    November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Napoleon got shook by Bill’s little brother and his friends, how tough can he be

  28. OllieInChicago

    November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Also, that SUNY Purchase education really didn’t do Peppy-FourHooves any favors in world history.  The Romans were the best conquerors of all time.

    • harlequincy

      November 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

      @OllieInChicago Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!?

      • OllieInChicago

        November 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

        @harlequincy …just let him go.

      • Narc Zito

        November 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

        @harlequincy  @OllieInChicago Hell, no!

  29. archg2

    November 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Attila had the least impact of all those. Taking the historical relevance as the Ichiban factor.

  30. bmqq316

    November 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Fuck that short French prick

    • OllieInChicago

      November 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

      @bmqq316 If you’re talking about Gerard Depardieu, I’ll find you, ‘bmqq316’.  If that’s your real name….

      • bmqq316

        November 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

        @OllieInChicago Well…the 3 is silent.

  31. DrunkEpiphany

    November 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Richard Nixon;  left the planet, conquered the moon.   No one else has ever even attempted to bring a moon rock back to earth.

  32. Docintoxicated

    November 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Talleyrand actually deserves a lot of the credit for Napoleon, he was a genius.

  33. harlequincy

    November 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    The # 1 Hunner stays

  34. Jerry65

    November 13, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Alexander, because he ain’t so great! Fuck him, don’t put great in your name, asking for fucking trouble. See ya!

  35. JC

    November 13, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    I vote off the guy who did things hundreds of years ago.

  36. JAFO1966

    November 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Alex cuz he turned gay at the end of the movie

  37. BadNewsJeff

    November 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I’ve lost all respect for Napoleon since he started shilling Redbull.  I hate that rap.

  38. Drippy Granny

    November 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I’m gonna say aids is the best conquer. No one can kill it

    • BadNewsJeff

      November 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm

      @Drippy Granny
       Magic Johnson did

  39. OllieInChicago

    November 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Hank The Hun – terrible conqueror.  Fantastic palm ball.  Also, could drain 3’s all day.

    • harlequincy

      November 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

      @OllieInChicago knees weren’t worth a piss later on in his career

  40. Steven in VA

    November 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    I don’t remember Alex in Bill and Ted’s adventure.

  41. jerkstoresean

    November 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I don’t trust any of them to be honest. How do we make it clear to them that this boat is ours?

  42. harlequincy

    November 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Abdullah the Butcher

  43. OP4

    November 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Only one of the died in prison after losing a war – Napoleon.

  44. Docintoxicated

    November 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Napoleon wasn’t actually short, he was 5’7 which was above average at the time. One of the major reasons for the rumor was because he was in the artillery division which was generally reserved for only the largest men who could cart around cannons and such but because he was an excellent officer and strategist he was put in the artillery division.

    • harlequincy

      November 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

      @Docintoxicated Well duh…everybody knows this.

    • galactictraveler

      November 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

      @Docintoxicated Also the English measuring system was different than the French system .

      • BadNewsJeff

        November 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

        @galactictraveler  @Docintoxicated
         How many stones did he weigh?

  45. TemporalGrid

    November 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    The last real man frenchman was Charlemagne and they hadn’t even invented France yet.

    • OllieInChicago

      November 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

      @TemporalGrid She has a tremendous rack.  I wish Artie Bucco would have ripped her shirt off and banged her in Nuovo Vesuvio.

  46. mattearle1

    November 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Attilla = girl name.

  47. Jerry65

    November 13, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Keep bob Hoskins

  48. OllieInChicago

    November 13, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Abe Lincoln conquered the south.

    • Pool Keepers Son

      November 13, 2012 at 6:46 pm

      @OllieInChicago did he?

  49. Docintoxicated

    November 13, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Well if you take into consideration the Punk Frogs for TMNT Alexander would have to go as he was the only one who did not get to be mutant frog.

  50. drewodrew

    November 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    In the North of Ireland, we call Protestants “The Huns.”

    • OllieInChicago

      November 13, 2012 at 1:27 pm

      @drewodrew I still prefer the English’ use of Jap’s Eye.

    • Narc Zito

      November 13, 2012 at 1:27 pm

      @drewodrew Were they the original Pakis?

  51. Baldguy74

    November 13, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Let’s face it. Napoleon is just another fucking frog

    • EMC

      November 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm

      @Baldguy74 He’s not a Frog, he’s Corsican.

      • Foggy_Otis

        November 13, 2012 at 1:34 pm

        @EMC @Baldguy74 toss him anyway!

      • Baldguy74

        November 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

        @EMC Technicalities technicalities

  52. EMC

    November 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Does the listening audience know enough about history to even comment intelligently on this (or anything for that matter)?

  53. the jerm

    November 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    How are you going to have three real guys and one from a star trek movie!?

  54. galactictraveler

    November 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Hey Hun, Kahn you run to the store and get some Napoleon ice cream for Alexander ?

  55. Ojisan

    November 13, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    It’s gotta be Attila, he’s a punk kid on your lawn compared to the other three. Iskandar is of course the safest. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to blaze the trails into unknown territory like he did.

  56. Derwood OMalley

    November 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Napoleon was a frog – drown bitcha!

  57. MichaelVoss1

    November 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Kick the lumbering jackass off. Oh and btw, nebraska came back to win that game against penn state… GET IT RIGHT

  58. wagonwheels

    November 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Attila has to be in, he’s the baddest dude of the four. One on one he crushes the other three. He was on the front lines, kinda like a Mongolian Brad Pitt from the movie Troy.

  59. Frank White

    November 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Alexander the Great was a Fez.  Sincerely, Jerry Barka

  60. C H

    November 13, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Napoleon must go – he’s French and didn’t even win the wars named after him.

  61. AnthonyLoman

    November 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Khan put worm’s in McCoy’s brain. He dies.

    • TemporalGrid

      November 13, 2012 at 6:35 pm

      @AnthonyLoman he put them in Chekov’s brain. It was Spock who fucked with McCoy’s brain, the green bloodec bastard.

  62. Pool Keepers Son

    November 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    No hitler come on!!!!!

  63. cal5000

    November 13, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Napoleon cant fight.

  64. ranch

    November 14, 2012 at 3:36 am

    french people suck

  65. Anthony From California

    November 15, 2012 at 12:21 am

    Who wants to sit next to a stinky ass french man.

  66. Brian In VA

    November 15, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Stupin Mongorians