OPINION: More Horseys, Less Horsesh*t
Sports television has become a vast wasteland. But could its salvation come from the Sport of Kings?
Sports television, once the godsend that allowed us to retreat to the toy chest more often, is a world of shit nowadays. Used to be, sports discussion was about things such as team strategies, batting averages, and evaluating one’s athletic skill. That changed a while ago, and I think it was PTI that brought the New World Order. After ESPN crossbred pro wrestling with the debate team, sports discussion died and the Hot Take took control. Everything in sports was de-evolving into quick timed arguments with “in your face” catchphrases, and analysis became more about off-the-field “incidents.” ESPN’s daytime programming became a solid block of echo chambers, mixed between studio shows and radio simulcasts. It should’ve come to a stop when ESPN went eight hours across all platforms on Terrell Owens’ “suicide attempt.” The last time anyone was so concerned about one man in Dallas was November 1963.
But maybe there’s hope: everyone’s slowly starting to realize what nonsense it is. And the network executives, the lazy copycats that they are, have seen their attempts at cloning that monstrosity end badly. NBC tried stealing away Michelle Beadle and adding a Yahoo!-branded show, and both failed miserably. Fox has already canceled its Regis-hosted show and almost all of its studio fare, and has tried to focus more on Jay and Dan and weed out some of the debates on its highlights show. CBS has cancelled Lead Off, and probably doesn’t want to admit the Jim Rome coup didn’t pay off. But NBCSN still simulcasts one radio show, and CBSSN just added a second. The first was a New York-based show, and Fox added one, too – both from the same goddamn station.
The problem with this evil is that it comes from idle hands: instead of showing real sports, let’s show people talking about sports, even when it’s obviously out of their own ass. The networks don’t want to show what everyone wants to tune in to: an actual game or event. Even if you’re a sports snob, you have to give CBSSN credit for showing pro lacrosse, Arena Football, and even minor league baseball. I thoroughly enjoyed the first airing of the Commonwealth Games stateside, as well as the University Games and Youth Olympics. Fox Sports 1 disappointed in its first year mainly because it did the opposite. They have the rights to England’s rugby league, CONCACAF Champions League, and the always-popular Aussie Rules Football. But they’re relegated to FS2 and Fox Soccer Plus, two channels only 53 people have, and unfortunately I’m not one of them. They’d rather show MMA reality shows and Mike Francesca on the main channel as it struggles to find a following.
There’s a plethora of soccer leagues out there that you could simulcast. There’s glorious day baseball in America, plus games around the world. I still don’t know why no one chooses to air Caribbean or Australian baseball in the winter, not even MLB Network. There’s European basketball, hockey, even Twenty20 cricket, and there’s always some Olympics-style event somewhere on Earth. “But who’d watch that?” Better than watching Colin Cowherd shit into a microphone for three hours a day. Sadly, a lot of those rights are often held by either a lesser network or one that doesn’t even air them. NBCSN was going to carry the CFL season, but ESPN swooped in and we’ll probably never see another game until the Grey Cup. But I think I have a programming solution that could be put together rather quickly:
Horseys. Yes, nothing but damn horseys all day long.
The networks already have a high opinion of horse racing: NBC has been airing races regularly through the summer, FS1 has its own series this year, and even CBSSN has been showing trotters from the Meadowlands. The infrastructure is already in place with the simulcasts, although you’d probably have to make a deal with TVG or HRTV for the coverage. But all you’d need is one studio team dropping in on the dozens of tracks across the country. The networks will benefit from live programming without having to pay extra talent or crew. Racing will benefit from the exposure, and they’ll fill their pockets with gamblers having the sport right at their fingertips (Oh, we’ll air PSAs, don’t you worry about that). We’ll get a regular season feel in the spring leading up to the Kentucky Derby. And even on nights when there’s not another game on, or a rain delay, we’ll just watch some west coast action until the highlight show comes on.
Each network can make a deal to show its own tracks live, similar to the NFL and college contracts. TVs in businesses will be showing content customers would actually find interesting, instead of delayed closed captioning of Skip Bayless’ verbal diarrhea. You won’t have to rely on the DVR or DVD next sick day: you’ll enjoy a fresh slate of racing mixed with a high fever and a heavy dose of cough syrup (current ESPN programming only makes for one hell of a bad trip). And we could start this revolution right now. Have a TV in your business? Flip it to TVG or HRTV during the day. Eating lunch somewhere and see “Numbers Never Lie” threatening to spoil your appetite? Ask the folks to put on the horseys: your fellow patrons might like it and the place might keep it on.
If we can get this done, the suits may sit up and take notice. But when executives are successful once, they will always try the same thing and fail 99 times before they move on to something else. ESPN’s hiring of Olbermann shows they don’t understand why the sports fan is tired of this shit: if we wanted cable news, we’d watch the damn cable news. Until then, keep track of when the horseys run, tune in early and often, and remember that parlays are a sucker bet.
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