President Elect Joe Biden twisted his ankle and has a hairline fracture he sustained after playing with his dog Major.

This is weird. We’re not really used to getting honest health updates on a president.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/29/politics/biden-twisted-ankle/index.html

It seems FLOTUS DOES give a fuck about Christmas. Can’t wait to see how she’s gonna decorate Mara Lago for the years to come.

During this special time of the year, I am delighted to share “America the Beautiful” and pay tribute to the majesty of our great Nation. Together, we celebrate this land we are all proud to call home. #WHChristmas pic.twitter.com/fdZmB3rdXL

— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) November 30, 2020

Get that you loved Queen’s Gambit but you have to know that you are way too old and way too dumb to ever be a master.

Oh and those pills are not real.

Read more at nbcnews.com.

Tablet Magazine has done a deep dive investigating whether or not Matt Drudge actually still runs the Drudge Report, or if he even still owns it. They spoke with some of his former friends and assistants and the consensus is he’s cashed out, sold the site and has slipped away from everything. Matt Drudge is the Keyser Soze of internet journalism.

Read more at tabletmag.com.

The 12 foot tall silver monolith that was discovered in the Utah desert has suddenly been removed by an “unknown party”. The “unknown party” is most likely a guy named Jed who’s selling the monolith to a scrap yard for meth money.

Read more at dailymail.co.uk.

Does this mean I have to throw out my Great Aunt Trudy’s stole?!?

Read more at nytimes.

The first batch of Pfizer’s Covid vaccine has arrived from Brussels to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Ocean’s 14 can be about George Clooney and Brad Pitt stealing it all, that could go over well.

Read more at nbcchicago.com.

everything

Haven’t seen a move like that since Johnny Rico’s Jump Ball days.

TYREEK HILL FLIPS INTO THE END ZONE 🤯

(via @NFL)pic.twitter.com/RWt9ktyUp2

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) November 29, 2020

There has been yet another firing in the NFL – the Jaguars have shit canned their GM after their 10th straight loss. Luckily for them it just doesn’t matter who their GM is.

Read more at espn.

Mike Tyson told reporters that he smoked a joint right before he fought Roy Jones, Jr on Saturday night. He then added that he smoked one before the post-fight press conference. High Times Magazine wants to sponsor his next fight on 4/20.

Read more at usatoday.

George Clooney is using a flowbee to vacuum his hair. Not because he’s in a lockdown. Been
doing it for 25 years.

Don’t even ask about his pubes.

Read more at pagesix.com.

Actor/director George Clooney tells @thattracysmith that he's been cutting his own hair for years – by using the Flowbee haircutting machine https://t.co/SWYT8pFC8h pic.twitter.com/bKepm5LQCM

— CBS Sunday Morning 🌞 (@CBSSunday) November 29, 2020

David Prouwse, the guy in the Darth Vader suit, has passed away. He was 85 years old.

Luckily every nerd has already paid 25 dollars for his autograph.

Read more at cnn.com.

Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi and Jon Stewart urge to fellow New Jersey Taylor Ham Egg and Cheese eaters to Wear a friggin’ mask!

I’ll do it for Bruce and Stewart but fuck you Bon Jovi.

Read more at nj.com.

Universal Studios announced they’ll be opening up Super Mario World in Osaka, Japan in February of 2021. The first details include a Mario Kart ride you can go on with augmented reality helmets. Good God please don’t let the Japanese do anything weird with Princess Peach.

Read more at bloomberg.

Fans are calling for the Saved By The Bell reboot to be cancelled after an episode featured jokes about Selena Gomez’s kidney transplant. Peacock issued a quick apology and made a donation to the Selena Gomez Fund for Lupus Research at USC. Jokes about Screech would’ve had less blowback.

Read more at pagesix.

i wonder what was going through they minds when they wrote this, did they actually think this was funny?? respect selena gomez. pic.twitter.com/wpMG2kM5zd

— ًemery (@btchlena) November 28, 2020

A 38 year old man was arrested after surveillance video caught him stealing Darth Vader’s helmet from JJ Abrams’ production company, Bad Robot. Police also recovered an authentic Storm Trooper helmet. Not even Jedi mind tricks will get this dude off the hook.

Read more at tmz.

YouTube Saa Fomba, whose goal is to chase his dreams and ‘leave a mark’, leap off the top of the Pennybacker Bridge. Fomba survived the leap, but had to be hospitalized with a fractured skull. The only mark he left was on his head.

Read more at tmz.com.

The dude who went viral for posting the pantsless fight in Wawa told the local news it all started over one man holding the Wawa door open for the other. Chivalry is dead. Also so are belts.

Read more at mediaite.

Sure everyone is bringing up Johnny Cash but why hasn’t anyone said Hillary Duff’s My Generation??

What's a cover song that's better than the original version?

— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 29, 2020

Sure everyone is bringing up Johnny Cash but why hasn’t anyone said Hillary Duff’s My Generation??

What's a cover song that's better than the original version?

— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 29, 2020

Sorry Oldboy, but eating a live a octopus just didn’t make the cut.

Ted Cruz loves stupid attention and and thinks he will replace Trump since Trump will be selling gym memberships
on TV in seven weeks.

Your dad killed JFK.

Read more at mediaite.com.

It’s bizarre to see a former head of the CIA consistently side with Iranian zealots who chant “Death to America.”

And reflexively condemn Israel.

Does Joe Biden agree? https://t.co/H38OB1ejCr

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) November 27, 2020

Did he really have a change of heart because if it’s cursed just say so.

Read more at huffpo

Elon Musk announced that his SpaceX company will launch SN8, a prototype Starship rocket that will one day take people of Mars. Musk is hoping to find life forms that can understand what his kid’s name really means.

Read more at forbes.com.

Mckinsey ad agency had a BRILLIANT idea for Purdue Pharma during the height of the opioid pandemic:

In a 2017 presentation, according to the records, which were filed in court on behalf of multiple state attorneys general, McKinsey laid out several options to shore up sales. One was to give Purdue’s distributors a rebate for every OxyContin overdose attributable to pills they sold.

The presentation estimated how many customers of companies including CVS and Anthem might overdose. It projected that in 2019, for example, 2,484 CVS customers would either have an overdose or develop an opioid use disorder. A rebate of $14,810 per “event” meant that Purdue would pay CVS $36.8 million that year.

Not sure what’s worse, this or the Tyson managers betting on how many of their workers would get Covid.

Read more at nytimes.com.

South Korea’s spy agency says that North Korea is really going outside the box with their covid response. Efforts including a few executions, banning fishing, and a capital city lockdown.

Please don’t let Trump copy this.

Read more at apnews.com.

Oh Jesus, no one is is going to Vegas or Disney World but you can’t keep people away from a hunk of metal
in the Utah desert.

2020 you have screwed up our brains.

Read more at bbc.com.

The town of Fucking, Australia is changing their name. From now on the village will be known as Fugging, Australia.

Well this is just fugging terrible news.

Read more at reuters.com.

The NFL is finally trying to curb the Covid outbreaks amongst players and staff by prohibiting in person team activities this coming Monday and Tuesday. If only the NFL had time before the season to work out a plan to keep their employees safe. It’s a real shame.

The NFL informed clubs all in-person team activities will be prohibited this coming Monday and Tuesday — a mitigation measure in light of rising COVID-19 positivity rates across the country and many players and staff having guests for Thanksgiving. The ban doesn’t include games. pic.twitter.com/ObytXZz5Sg

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) November 28, 2020

First off – the Lions head coach and GM have been shitcanned following a blowout loss to the Texans on Thanksgiving. The Steelers number one RB, James Connor, has tested positive for Covid along with one of their coaches. The Colts number one RB, Jonathan Taylor has been exposed to Covid through his girlfriend and is now quarantining. And the county of Santa Clara, where the 49ers play, have banned any sports games – pro or college – from being played for the next three weeks. The 49ers have two home games scheduled during that time but they’re so awful maybe they can just forfeit and get it over with.

The Detroit Lions announced today that Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia have been relieved of their duties. pic.twitter.com/Tz5Rc7y53Y

— Detroit Lions (@Lions) November 28, 2020

James Conner is the #Steelers player who tested positive for #COVID, multiple sources tell me. He is awaiting a second test tomorrow to confirm these results. Contact tracing continues. And as w/ every positive case in the #NFL and country… here’s to recoveries and good health.

— Aditi Kinkhabwala (@AKinkhabwala) November 28, 2020

More positives in Pittsburgh: One coach and one player tested positive with multiple contacts in Pittsburgh, per sources.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) November 28, 2020

#Colts RB Jonathan Taylor has been quarantined since his girlfriend learned Friday she tested positive for COVID-19 following an out-of-town trip, per source. Taylor hasn’t tested positive himself, but because of protocols, he’s out for Sunday’s game against the #Titans.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) November 28, 2020

Santa Clara County officials say that no pro or college sports teams are able to have games or practices in the county that include direct contact for the next three weeks. That, of course, includes the #49ers, who have two home games (Dec. 7 and 13) scheduled in that window.

— Nick Wagoner (@nwagoner) November 28, 2020

All four of the Broncos QB’s either have covid or have been exposed so now they’re turning to special teams player, and former Wake Forest QB, Kendall Hinton to start against the Saints. Elway can always suit up if they think they need him.

Read more at nypost.

Nate Robinson got knocked the fuck out by Jake Paul on the undercard of the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr. fight. At the beginning of this year, no one would have bet those four people would be in the same room together, let alone punching each other in the face on a pay per view.

Snoop Dogg’s commentary during Nate Robinson vs Jake Paul 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/NNUIQFrk9y

— HipHopDX (@HipHopDX) November 29, 2020

This Saturday, Ms. Vanderbilt is going to be the first woman to suit up in an SEC game, and she just might become the first woman to play in a Power 5 Conference college game.

Okay if this ends anything like Quarterback Princess she’ll be prom queen as well!

Read more at cnn.

Mike Tyson and Roy Jones Jr. had their weigh in for their old man PPV fight. They attempted to cut weight beforehand but they needed their daily gallon of grape juice to keep their bowel movements regular.

Mike Tyson and Roy Jones Jr. weigh in and come face-to-face before their fight tomorrow.

(via @BTSportBoxing)pic.twitter.com/SeK5ZEj0YM

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) November 27, 2020

Caroline Thompson who wrote the screenplay for Edward Scissorhands said in an interview that when they were making the movie, Depp would greet her every morning with a margarita.

There is something very charming about a young attractive alcoholic. Then they all age into being Johnny Depp.

Stop making pirate movies you old drunk.

Read more at yahoo.com.

Gordon Ramsay Burger boutique coming soon will feature a burger that costs over 100 bucks featuring Wagyu sirloin, truffle Pecorino cheese, mayonnaise and fresh black truffle.

What’s worse than this shock shock chefburger for 106 bucks? It doesn’t come with fries!

Can’t someone #metoo this lime eater!?

Read more at nypost.com.

Ann Wilson said that Carrie Brownstein of Sleater-Kinney and Portlandia fame will write and direct a Heart biopic. Wilson also revealed that Anne Hathaway expressed interest in playing the singer, but felt she wasn’t right for the part. The dealbreaker was when Hathaway couldn’t hit the hit notes to ‘Crazy On You’.

Read more at yahoo.

Huge Grant says ‘it’s just about survival’ being 60 and raising young kids during a pandemic. The Undoing star says his wife is exhausted and he spent most of his quarantined days telling his kids to keep quiet. Somewhere Elizabeth Hurley is in a skimpy bikini laughing her ass off.

Read more at pagesix.

Lindsay Lohan launched a new jewelry line with the company Lily Baker on Friday. The 40-piece collection includes bracelets, necklaces and rings with prices ranging from $66 to $334 dollars. Lohan’s hoping to raise enough money to self-produce a Beach House reboot.

Read more at pagesix.

Candace Owens made not think Harry Styles is a manly man but a ton of women disagree

So many that Timothee Chalamet wants her dead.

Read more at pagesix.com.

Van Morrison and Eric Clapton are releasing a anti-lockdown song on December 4th called Stand And Deliver. They will follow that up with a concept album called What Do The Masks Really Do, Anyway?

Read more at variety.

Jude Law told a story where a consulting scientist on the film Contagion told him a real life pandemic was going to happen. Thanks for telling us now, Jude. Really helps.

Read more at dailymail.

Faizon Love is suing Universal for removing him and co-star Kali Hawk’s picture from the poster of the 2009 film Couples Retreat. The suit also charges that Love was promised better roles to make up for the slight, but it never happened. Playing with Faizon’s money is like playing with his emotions.

Read more at nypost.com.

The Christmas season has barely started, but Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ is already charting again. The 1994 song is currently 29th on the Billboard Hot 100 and Carey is planning to perform it on her upcoming Apple TV Christmas special. The song has become the Bobby Bonilla of Christmas songs.

Read more at ew.

Former President Obama said that he would give a thumbs up for Drake to play him in a biopic. Obama’s also hoping the movie would end him leaving the White House dancing to Jumpman.

Read more at nypost.com.

everything

Dude you want to know the best way to turn off women. Talk about the same movie every single day.

At least watch the Great Outdoors.

Via digg.

Police arrested a woman for smashing 500 bottles of wine and spirits at a British supermarket. She was also treated at a local hospital after slipping and falling on some of the broken bottles. The woman was upset that the store was out of boxed wino.

Read more at nypost.

Aldi in Stevenage this afternoon.. 😯 pic.twitter.com/qGWkPCGbo7

— Peacsy (@Peacsy3) November 25, 2020

Sometimes Hollywood has such good ideas that they need to release the same movie in the same year with just a different name, like what if the White House got attacked, or what if magicians had a beef with each other?

Via digg.

There’s only one thing worse than your show hanging around so long that it starts to suck.

That’s when it ends early before it sucks.

Is the Today Show on this this list?

Read more at buzzfeed.

Here’s a fun fact: there was actually a time BEFORE the pandemic. Who knew?!

Read more at vice.com.