A Craig Ferguson Fan Explains Why Join or Die Doesn’t Connect For Him

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craig ferguson join or die

Join or Die, Neither Fish Nor Foul

Mind you, Craig Ferguson is a very funny fellow, as anyone who followed him on The Late, Late Show (or even Drew Carey’s show before that) can attest. In his most recent venture, a show called Join or Die on the History Channel, he is a good deal less so. Part of that may be because, as he himself probably realized when he left Late Late, he is running out of gas. Perhaps a bigger part may be that this show does not provide a particularly good format for him or any of his guests to generate laughs.

For one thing, the show seems to be geared to people with short attention spans. Perhaps if you are one of that ilk, you may enjoy this show immensely. While I am not a man of infinite patience, I do like to see an idea carried out to at least a little resolution. That seems to be lacking on Join or Die. Also, Join or Die is ostensibly about History. Helpful hint: history does not lend itself to short attention spans, thereby making it easily forgettable. We should always keep in mind the sagacious words of Carlos Santana: “Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat the sixth grade.”*

Join or Die takes the basic format of Craig Ferguson discussing historical and political questions with three guests, who tend to be a mix of academics and entertainers, but more of the latter than the former. Ferguson begins with a short monologue—a lot shorter than the one he used to do on his previous talk show—after which he gets into the topic and introduces his guests. They may be people you know well, such as Jimmy Kimmel, or, as I said, academics. Then, the four of them consider six examples of that night’s category. They could be international in scope, but usually pertain to American history, and very recent history at that.

Now here is where the game show aspect comes in. Before the first commercial break, the panelists and Craig must eliminate two of the six from the apparent contest to end up as THE worst of whatever subject they are holding up to ridicule. Reasons must be given for said elimination, but, generally they are either feeble or off the mark. For example, in this particular show, “History’s Most Doomed Presidential Campaign,” Al Gore’s campaign was eliminated because he was seen to be so boring. Granted, he would be unlikely to turn his head if someone called out, “Hey, Mr. Excitement,” but that was far from the reason the Gore campaign was “doomed.” And please bear in mind all those whose knowledge of history dates back to sometime in the summer of 2014, Gore vs. Bush was one of the tightest races in history. No, the two things that did Alfonso in were, first, that the vainglorious pipsqueak Ralph Nader decided to run as the “Green” Party candidate, on the grounds that Mr. Gore was not—excuse me—dedicated enough to the environment. Second, the election in Florida was clearly rigged by the candidate’s brother. Who, you mean Jeb Gore? No, I mean the other Jeb. Hanging chads aside, Pat Robertson, a man not to be confused with a bomb-throwing Bolshevik, admitted that the extraordinary groundswell of votes he got in Florida almost certainly came from confused voters punching his name when they thought they were voting for Gore, due to the confusing makeup of the ballot. Keep in mind, Robertson’s excess vote-count (based on his performance in other states) numbered in the thousands, while the Florida result was determined by an alleged difference somewhere in the low hundreds. But all Craig and his guests could come up with was that Gore was “too boring” to win. Given anything like a fair shake, he could have had at least four years of boring us from the White House. Instead, of course, we got G.W. Bush and his exciting, zany, needless war with Iraq and the history-making Great Recession of 2008. WHEEEEE!

In addition to Mr. Gore, the five other candidates were Gary Hart (1988), Michael Dukakis (also 1988), John McCain (2008), Herman Cain (2012) and Mitt Romney (2012). Notice that, to qualify for this circle of doom, one not need to have been the losing nominee—just a losing candidate.

As the show proceeded, Hart and Cain were eliminated on the grounds that womanizing was not an interesting enough criterion to keep them around for the grand prize. A good deal was made of John McCain’s downfall, stemming from his selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate. Keep in mind, those of you whose memories do not hearken back to that ancient time, even the worst candidate in contention today would have been immensely more qualified to occupy the White House than Sarah Palin. To be fair to the former Part-time Governor of Alaska, she did not actually say “I can see Russia from my house.” Tina Fey said that, but it was based on Palin’s contention that, living in a state that bordered Russia, she was, for that reason alone, fully qualified to deal with all manner of issues pertaining to foreign affairs. Unfortunately, Craig and his guests attributed Ms. Fey’s remark to Ms. Palin, probably not further damaging an already ruined reputation, but not reflecting at all well on the show’s scholarship.

Yet, for all the fun they had with McCain’s bizarre choice, they decided, for no good reason I could figure out, to eliminate him, leaving a final two of Dukakis and Romney. Now here is where the game show aspect comes in. During the next commercial break, the audience gets to vote for the winner of the booby prize, presumably based on the “erudite” discussion among the panelists. By the way, in this episode they were a media-friendly scholar named Dan Schnur, a stand-up comic named Bryan Callen (who did most of the talking) and Elijah Wood.

I don’t know where either the panelists or the audience got the idea that Romney’s campaign was the most doomed one ever. While the election was not what you would call a squeaker, it was far from a rout. Keep in mind, that Obama did not make a clean sweep of the three debates he and Romney staged. Like middleweight raging bull Jake LaMotta, who lost two later fights to Sugar Ray Robinson, Romney gave his opponent a beating the first time out. Romney lost for a number of complex reasons, having less to do with his own ineptitude and more to do with the mean-spirited, exclusionary attitude of his party. Dukakis, on the other hand, shot himself in the foot, then, not sure if his aim had been true, shot himself in the other one.

There was one brief, shining moment, before he announced the results, when Craig Ferguson asked his guest if there may not have been other candidates, past or future, they should have included among the six finalists. I, who do not normally talk to my TV said, with increasing volume, Goldwater, Goldwater. Goldwater, GOLDWATER, FOR CHRIST SAKE! Nope. The only other person they could think of was The Donald, whose fate he may very well share with the late Arizona senator.

Was there any comedy throughout this entire process? After all, the show is meant to be one, when all is said and done. Well, there were attempts, mostly by Callen and Ferguson, but the jokes were cheap and easy, more calculated to make a viewer snort with derision than laughter. Perhaps the saddest excuse for humor came toward the end when Callen and Ferguson went on and on, speculating about how much fun it would be to make out with a clearly embarrassed Elijah Wood, while, all the while, telling us they were straight. Mind you, your narrator is not passing any judgment about straight vs. gay, but he certainly is about second-rate TV.

Unless you have the attention span of a gerbil, give this show the go-by.

*Please note, your narrator is trying to have some cheap fun at the expense of your patience. The actual expression from Spanish philosopher George Santayana, translates to “Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it.” That aside, you can take everything else in this essay to the bank…and probably get his with a late fee.

 

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Thomas Cleveland Lane

Thomas Cleveland Lane is a semi-retired freelance writer for pay and a stage actor for nothing more than the opportunity to make a fool of himself. Well, he does get a small stipend from the Washington Area Decency League, after playing the role of Hinezie in The Pajama Game, to never, ever appear on stage in his underpants again. When he has not managed to buffalo some director into casting him, Thomas can often be found at his favorite piano bar, annoying the patrons with his caterwauling. Thomas is the author of an anthology called Shaggy Dogs, a Collection of Not-So-Short Stories (destined to become a cult classic, shortly after he croaks). He is also the alter-ego to a very unbalanced Czech poet named Glub Dzmc. Mr. Lane generally resides in Gaithersburg, Maryland, and was last seen in the mirror, three days ago.
Thomas Cleveland Lane
Thomas Cleveland Lane
Thomas Cleveland Lane is a semi-retired freelance writer for pay and a stage actor for nothing more than the opportunity to make a fool of himself. Well, he does get a small stipend from the Washington Area Decency League, after playing the role of Hinezie in The Pajama Game, to never, ever appear on stage in his underpants again. When he has not managed to buffalo some director into casting him, Thomas can often be found at his favorite piano bar, annoying the patrons with his caterwauling. Thomas is the author of an anthology called Shaggy Dogs, a Collection of Not-So-Short Stories (destined to become a cult classic, shortly after he croaks). He is also the alter-ego to a very unbalanced Czech poet named Glub Dzmc. Mr. Lane generally resides in Gaithersburg, Maryland, and was last seen in the mirror, three days ago.