Inside Kramer’s Cranium: The Schemes of Cosmo Kramer

Published by Anthony Cifelli at March 8, 2015

kramer

The old saying goes “a mind is a terrible thing to waste” and thank goodness he took this to heart. The “he” is the hipster doofus himself, Cosmo Kramer. In the nine seasons that Seinfeld was on the air, plenty of plotlines revolved around Kramer’s schemes. Whether it’s smelling like the ocean or teaching a rooster how to cock fight, his mind was always racing. We ranked our 11 favorite schemes made famous by the beautiful mind of Cosmo Kramer

11. Photographer

In two episodes, Kramer does his very best impression of Annie Lebowitz taking pictures of both George (episode: The Package) and Elaine (Episode: The Christmas Card) Both pictures could have fared better, especially Elaine’s picture. The nip slip in her Christmas card photo will be remembered by everyone, especially her Nana and Papa.

10. Cockfight Manager

This was actually inadvertent, since he technically thought Kramer bought a hen and named her Little Jerry to produce his own fresh eggs at home. But still Little Jerry proved to be quite the cockfighter…..oh and also a rooster.

9. Homeless Rickshaw

This idea was genius. As Newman said, you get the glitz and glamour of a handsome cab ride without the guilt of the horse. Unfortunately after the homeless ended up stealing the rickshaw, the plan was aborted which sucks since the city needs more slow moving wicker things….potato salad!

8. Mr. Moviephone

Again though inadvertent, this was one of the funniest episodes, and Kramer’s Mr. Moviephone performance for the Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon thriller “Mountain High” might be the best part. I wonder if they ended up getting over that mountain?

7. PB&Js Entrepreneur

A place that only serves Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches? If this place that Kramer wanted to create was real….Chipotle would be an afterthought. And of course, it is real.

6. Television Talk Show Host

How could you forget Kramer dumpster diving, finding the lost treasures of the Merv Griffin set only to recreate it in his living room that very same day. Granted the set smelled like garbage, but hey most of the stars from the 70’s did. Wait, have we just found our new Daily Show host?

5. The Beach Cologne Designer

Calvin Klein actually stole this idea from Kramer so to make up for it, Klein actually allows Kramer to pose in an underwear ad where his balls end up showing, talk about Karma Kramer…..Karma Kramer??

4. Inventor of The Bro

Is it the Bro? Or is it the man-zier? Finally a support system for a man, and the best part about it? no hooks….strictly Velcro.

3. Purveyor of a Pizza Place Where You Make Your Own Pie

Almost! This idea was so close Kramer even hired an investor….Sure it was Poppy (who’s known to be sloppy) but if it wasn’t for Kramer putting those cucumbers on the pizza, these two would be “rolling in dough”…..see what I did there!

2.Oil Bladder System

While this never actually came to fruition, this was an genuine idea that should be real. An oil bladder system set up inside the rig so that in the event of a case of a crash or spill, the oil will never get out. That’s an insanely smart thing to do….and you expect nothing less from Kramer. His next idea was ketchup and mustard in the same bottle which was equal in both insanity and smarts….get on top of this America

1. Coffee Table Book on Coffee Tables

We arrived at number one and for good reason. This was the idea that made Kramer a name. A coffee table book on coffee tables and if you didn’t have a coffee table it had foldable legs. This idea was so good Regis and Kathy Lee had him come on to talk about it. Granted he spit hot coffee all over Kathy Lee, but since this is a great idea, we should just let that slide.