OPINION: The “Holy Sh*t” Moment The NFL Doesn’t Want You To Have

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nfltv(This article is not written in the point of view of the author. It is written from the view of an average American, a Joe Q. Public: not really a Joe SixPack, nor a Joe Hedge-fund. Someone who’s no one, nothing special, just the same as every other schlub on his block, his block just like any other in his suburb. You’d probably despise him on the sheer principle of blandness, but for this experiment we’ll indulge this dolt with a moment of epiphany.)

I actually skipped Thursday Night Football this week. Yes, I know it’s a shocker. I generally never miss a game, but the Colts haven’t been as solid as they were last year, and the Titans lost to the Jags last week. As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure how good these teams are. All I’ve heard for the past two weeks is this bullying story, day-and-night, non-stop. And then they talked about it all day last Sunday, from morning to midnight. I’m not even sure who won last week.

You know what? I don’t even know if today’s going to have good games. I’ll just flip through my guide and…oh, Redskins-Eagles? Enough of the NFC Least, and I’m tired of hearing about “The Nickname.” Ravens at Bears? Cutler’s out, and the Ravens suck. Maybe 49ers at Saints? That could be cool, but what if the 49ers break out? They’ll probably talk about “Bounty-Gate” constantly and take me out of it. Sunday Night’s looking good with Denver at Kansas City, but Peyton’s injured, so who knows how he’ll perform. And this’ll probably be the night Costas hops on his soapbox and tells us “Chiefs” are now offensive. As a matter of fact, why is he even there? Doesn’t he like baseball? At least I know his resume, unlike Peter King, who I still don’t know why people care so much about him. ‘Cause he likes lattes? So does my boss, and I can’t stand the fucking prick.

Well, maybe I can RedZone it. Except they’ll be switching between bad games, and I kinda miss the old days of just watching A game. Maybe the pregame shows? Yeah, I can watch those…except last week, with Bully-gate taking up all the time. And they’re really not even giving analysis anymore. I remember Shannon Shape screaming about how Dez Bryant running his mouth before the Detroit game cost them the win. Really? The Lions went almost a hundred yards in the last minute to score the game winner! So Dez Bryant’s trash talking and arguing on the sideline caused Dallas to have a shitty defense? And Fox only gives 15-sec highlights anyway, and these picks are pointless. It’s ten minutes to go: who can lay down a bet that late?

You know what? There’s some college basketball on: Villanova, Michigan, and Kentucky. And NASCAR’s got their season finale, that’d be interesting to check out. Plus the F1 United States Grand Prix, so I figure as an American citizen it’s my duty to watch, right? And I’m tired of waiting until I come home Monday to watch “Walking Dead”, why not watch it live? You know what? I think I’ll skip Sunday this week. Maybe Monday ni- Pats at Panthers? Really? Sure, that was interesting ten years ago. Now? And who the hell decided Charlotte needed a team? And when is Jon Gruden going to return to coaching so he’s not screaming on my TV? I guess I can skip a week until…Saints at Falcons? Boat race at the Georgia Dome? What’s the NBA doing that night? Clippers at Thunder? Well, that sounds…

Wait a minute…

Holy shit! I don’t HAVE to watch the NFL!

I dunno why I’ve been watching the NFL. Kind of like watching “Two And A Half Men”, even though it’s wasn’t that funny, and it’s not the same since Charlie and the kid left. I mean, it’s always been there, and I always watched Sunday afternoons and Monday night. I’d catch the Sunday nighter, too, but it wasn’t as big a deal as it is now. Now those are as bad as they used to be, even though they act like they matter. Monday Night Football isn’t the same as it was on ABC, and the games have gotten even worse. And Thursday? God forbid we get more of those. And look at the Ravens, or the Wild Card Steelers of a few years back, or the last run by the Giants: the regular season means shit in the postseason.
At least college basketball seems interesting with early match-ups and preseason tourneys. And they say early season NBA isn’t that good, but neither is late season NFL right now. Hockey has all the hard hits without the guilt, plus fighting. My team isn’t winning (as a matter of fact, no one is), so why bother? Maybe if I had a fantasy team I’d have a reason to watch, but my brother-in-law said he’s not as interested since he gave up his. I know my friend Jake watches religiously, but he’s got money on the games usually, so he’s completely difficult to be around Sundays. And where are the stars? Jay Cutler, Aaron Rodgers, Josh Cribbs, Stevie Johnson, Darren McFadden, and even Terelle Pryor are all injured.

So maybe I’ll just wait and see what games are on. If not, some of these unseasonably warm days I could spend outside, or I could work on some projects in the garage. Maybe when January comes around I’ll catch the playoffs, but college basketball should be in full swing by that time, and the NBA will be on Sundays. God knows it’ll be one bad team against another, so maybe I could just wait until the Super Bowl. But I HATE that seven hour pregame (who really needs Guy Fieri teaching you how to make snacks on a Ritz?). And the commercials are horrible, and who enjoys the halftime show nowadays? Maybe I’ll just DVR and watch later that night. But the party? I could just hold it on Saturday night instead, since everyone has to go to work on Monday. And it’s hard to watch a game with someone who isn’t; now I can just hang out with my friends.

This is pretty liberating. I mean, this feeling that I don’t HAVE to watch football is pretty amazing. Guess I’ll sit back and flip back and forth between racing and basketball.

Today, football for me is…well…incognito.

(Image courtesy University of Pennsylvania School of Law)

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