Why I’m Not Scared If Donald Trump Becomes President (For one dumb reason)
New York based comedian Evan Krumholz has one reason he’s not afraid of Donald Trump. Follow Evan on Twitter @Krumlifedotcom
If you’re reading this, you probably don’t want Donald Trump to become president (I base this assumption on the fact that you know how to read AND use a computer). And nor do I. Donald Trump shouldn’t be president. But then again, Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be the most Googled woman in the world and I shouldn’t lick hummus straight out of the container. While we must do everything we can to stop him- by voting Democrat and/or having arguments with Uncle Steve on Facebook, there is a possibility that the pouty Plutocrat becomes President.
But I’m not worried about President Donald Trump for one reason, on the surface, it’s super stupid.
A story broke a few weeks ago concerning beloved fitness guru and mincing imp Richard Simmons. Apparently, Simmons had sunk into a deep depression and is currently confined to his home by an evil and manipulative live-in housekeeper. While this sounds like a fairy tale written by a suburban housewife, if true it’s undoubtedly fucked up. So fucked up that radio host and guy who apparently exists Jonathan Brandmeier was compelled to ask Trump how he would handle the Simmons situation if elected. Trump’s answer told me everything I need to know about the man.
“We have to get him out, we have to get him out” Trump responded immediately, “No question”. He chortled, and you could detect the smile growing wider on his gelatinous sweet potato-hued face. Trump draws a lot of comparisons to Hitler, and rightfully so: he has ignited a disgruntled populace with xenophobic policies and unshaken charisma; he also probably has a weird dick, too. The Trump-Hitler paradigm has many of us scared shitless, this idea that the election of Donald Trump would usher in an even Greater Dictator. But Trump’s response to the throwaway question about Richard Simmons halted the Hitler comparisons for me.
If some fast-talking member of the 1940’s press asked Adolph Hitler, “Hey ya stinker, what should we do about Errol Flynn giving those two underage broads the old hucklebuck?!” he wouldn’t have a jokey reply. He’d slam his fists in outrage and have that journo sent on a one-way train to Treblinka. Trump is simply not that dangerous. Hitler wrote Mein Kampf, a feverish scribble that justified genocide. Trump wrote Think Big and Kick Ass, where he stressed the importance of prenuptial agreements; an idea no-doubt bolstered each time a new wife grew tired of his probably weird dick.
Despite it being a joke, Trump’s immediate response to the Simmons question also assuaged my fears. Trump is a political improviser. He “Yes, and…”’s whatever policy he deems will gain him the most acolytes. “Scared of Mexicans? I’ll build a wall! Scared of Muslims? I’ll kick ‘em out! Worried about Richard Simmons? I’ll send SEAL Team Six and it will be the most fantastic, sexy, hostage rescue of all time! Now let’s dance!” Hitler had a concrete ideology developed over years. Trump forgets his stances when the scene ends.
A lot of Holocaust rhetoric has been applied to Trump’s ascendance, “the road to Auschwitz was paved with indifference” that sort of thing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t vote against him. I’m not saying Trump would make anything but a god-awful commander-in-chief. I am saying that Trump isn’t Hitler. He’s a rich dumb guy who says what people want to hear, even about a spritely little man in short shorts. And that guy is a lot less scary then who we think Donald Trump truly is.
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Evan Krumholz
