50 Shades of Ghey, The Movie

Published by Unfiltered Submission at September 4, 2013

(This article contains Explicit Language of a Sexual Nature. Reader discretion is advised.)
by Alexis Thorne

They’re taking that fan fiction book and making it into a film (as discussed here: https://theinterrobang.com/2013/09/50-shades-of-grey-finally-gets-a-cast/ ).

I have not read the book, nor do I care. I like my sexy novels to be old-fashioned and romantic, but am not into anything contemporary or with bondage. No thanks.

You’ve all seen the shit-storm this week over the casting for the film.

But my thoughts are tied in with that 9 Songs movie ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0411705/combined ) – which was very voyeuristic as it felt, as the viewer, as if the audience was watching a real couple go through the motions of their relationship. It’s like Rear Window without Grace, but with a dash of ejaculate. As I think more and more about it, they were clearly acting. Every oh, every ah, the cleverly edited moments that allowed the woman to get KY on her pussy and him to get fully hard and prepared for the climax… that was acting. And some damn fine editing to make it nearly seamless. (The music in the film? Meh.)

It has real sex. It was a very strange, odd experiment for the filmmaker and the actors to do. It was risky and brave. That could have ended their careers and impacted all future real-life relationships of theirs. Not many people would take that risk. It was a crap film, yet I cannot deny that what they did was something that did challenged my beliefs in what a film’s content should be. It should leave you asking – why is real sex bad in mainstream films? Why is it so taboo? Why do we think it’s okay to watch graphic violence, gore, and rape in films and consider that acceptable? But a penis entering a vagina is wrong and forbidden. Why? It’s insanity. And I’m dying to get Michael Winterbottom , Kieran O’Brien , and Margo Stilley in a room so that I can ask them a thousand questions about it. Also so that I can get Kieran naked to have sex with me…

Plus, how the fuck did they get an 18-rating in the UK? That’s the same as NC-17 here. It should have been X. I’ve seen NC-17 films that did not feature actual penetration and cum, but 9 Songs had the real deal. How did they do it?

Anyway. With the “50 Shades of Grey” movie, I have a prediction. It will not feature any male frontal. If it does, he will be shadowed. There will be no up-close pussy shots. They will not let it get reviews prior to the theatrical release because they want to get those lonely housewives and Grandmas into the theaters. It will not be rated X, NC-17, and might not be R-rated. They might try to get a PG-13 rating. I’m being serious. They will probably have a very low budget, very small distribution, which is why they’ll want the lowest possible rating. Which means the film will suffer because it will be made safe for most audiences. Disaster in the making!

My theory is that they’ll take a hardcore novel, which would only be properly done as “9 Songs” was done – with real sex, and make it a soft film. But not even soft-core like those films that they show on HBO at 2 am on a Friday night. Okay, yeah, so I watch those. What’s it to you?

Why would they set themselves up for failure then? It also perplexes me that the old grannies who can stomach the graphic sex in a book cannot watch graphic sex on film. And that’s where the film will fail. Because it can only be properly translated to film if it’s graphic. And the old ladies will be mad. But why would they be mad if they will refuse to watch real porn? See what I mean? Am I making sense? Why the fuck do I care anyway? These are the ramblings of a troubled soul.

So we’ll see what happens with the final cut. (Ahem. Charlie Hunnam is a Geordie and probably uncircumcised. Can American audiences handle that? Not likely.). But I do think that the film will simply fail because it won’t be the real deal.

By the way, I compared the soon-to-be 50 Shades film to Secretary . Meaning, they will be the same. Kinky and raunchy, but not at all what the book has to offer. And here’s my quote of the day, “I don’t ever want to watch Secretary because I am a secretary and my boss is hideous. That would make me throw up.”

These are the things that go through my mind on the commute to and from the office.

Please to enjoy this Funny or Die virus of Gilbert Gottfried reading 50 Shades: