The 5: Robert Kelly’s Five Movies You Should Never Watch With Your Kids

the 5 robert kelly

Robert Kelly is a great comic, but not exactly what you would think of as a role model for kids, and he knows it. But he’s a dad now, and so are a lot of his funny, but crazy or even kreepy friends. Comics like Jim Florentine, Luis J. Gomez, and Bonnie McFarlane. Bobby’s getting his friends with kids together to do a one night show at the Village Underground on Tuesday August 30th with stand up comedy and stories about being a different kind of parent. The show is called Kreeps with Kids, it’s going to be hosted by Ron Bennington, and it’s going to be hilarious. Just hearing Kelly talk about the concept is funny.

As Kelly explains, “every time you see comedy on TV, it’s always the khaki dude with the button up shirt, and he goes to the soccer game, and they have dinner at 5 and he tucks the kid in, and they read. All the guys I know– including myself, and I have a kid– we’re fucking nuts. We do a lot of creepy shit and our parenting isn’t what you see on TV. And comedy never shows that.” Kelly is representing the parents who don’t read the books, who have a metal band play their kid’s birthday party, let their kids stay up as late as they want, riff with their kids and let them outside at night with no shoes on without worrying about stepping in rabbit shit. It’s going to be a great show and here’s a link for tickets.

But…even Kreeps have limits and so for this week’s edition of The 5, Kelly picked five movies you should never watch with your kids. These are the five films that cross Bobby’s line.

1. The Exorcist.

The 1973 horror classic starred Linda Blair as a 12 year old girl who becomes possessed by a demon. Directed by William Friedkin and co-starring Max von Sydow and Ellen Burstyn, the movie was nominated for 10 Academy Awards (it won two) and is on nearly every list of the best horror movies of all time. But it’s not for you to watch with your kids, according to RK. Kelly says “I would never want my kid to know what pussy I am. And God forbid the devil went into my kid from watching that. I would never do what that lady did for her kid. The first time my kid rolled his eyes back into his head, he’d be up for adoption.”


2. Caligula.

One of the few erotic historical dramas ever made, Caligula is a 1979 Italian American film starring Malcolm McDowell, Teresa Ann Savoy, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, and John Gielgud, and was produced by Penthouse magazine. Caligula is full of controversy on and off screen, but it’s also a cult film classic. And yet…not one you want to share with your kids, says Kelly. Here’s why. “Orgy scenes would be inappropriate for a 3 year old. I think it would give his Gymboree a whole new meaning.”


3. Smokey and the Bandit.

A comedy classic- action and comedy- Smokey and the Bandit starred Burt Reynolds, Pat McCormick, Sally Field, Paul Williams, Jackie Gleason and so many more greats. The original 1977 film covers bootlegging, truck driving, beer and women, but mostly a high speed chase across the country while Bandit tries to get some beer east. It’s Bo “Bandit” Darville (Reynolds) vs Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Gleason) and it was a smash hit both at the box office, and is beloved by comedy fans to this day. But there’s an important reason Kelly won’t watch Smokey and the Bandit with his kid (and doesn’t recommend it for you either).  “Because if he didn’t love it and think it was great, I wouldn’t talk to him again. I would think my kid sucks.”


4. Smokey and the Bandit II.

After the gigantic success of Smokey and the Bandit, a sequel was inevitable. It took only three years to get this gem into theaters. Except it wasn’t a gem. Burt Reynolds and Jackie Gleason are back, so was Sally Field, and Dom DeLuise was on board. This time Bandit and Snowman need to get an elephant to the GOP National Convention on time. It was not well received as the focus shifted from comedy to truck stunts. Kelly says he won’t watch it with his kid, “Because if he loved it and thought it was great, I wouldn’t talk to him again. I would think my kid sucks.” And neither should you.


5. Last Night at Eddie’s

The setting is a pizza parlor on Labor Day. The story revolves around the restaurant’s owner, Gino, his girlfriend Allison, and her ex, Dillon. It’s a love story with potty humor, and a cast that includes Jamie Denbo, Noah Forrest, and a younger Robert Kelly. And there’s enough nudity to require a censored trailer on YouTube, but that’s not why it’s banned from family viewing. The real reason is “because that was the first and only film I played a romantic lead. I was a gorgeous 24 year old with long, curly ringlets and abs. It would suck when I say ‘there’s daddy’ and he’s like ‘where?'” And if Robert can’t watch with this kid, neither can you.

Check out Kreeps with Kids at the Village Underground!

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