THE 5: Top Five Contenders For The 2032 Election

Published by Andrew Block Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsay at August 13, 2016

the 5 presidential candidates

Andrew Block, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey are The News, described as the perfect podcast for beltway-obsessed political junkies sick of boring podcasts where “experts” rehash the stories you already read this week. The News is a boisterous, intelligent, laugh-heavy, historically-minded, passion-driven riot full of deep cuts and hot takes. The News broadcasts on the Forever Dog Podcast Network (FDPN). Get the details and listen here. Andrew, Joe and Alex put together a 5 for us, predicting the 5 top candidates for President in the 2032 election.

Here at The News Podcast, we understand that the 2016 election is far from over. But as members of the media, we also understand that our job is not to report things so much as to predict things – in as easily a digestible fashion as humanly possible. Our job is to literally write noise that can dissipate as soon as it is uttered into the digital abyss. To mindlessly create content until blood pours out of our fingers, onto the computer keys, and into the veins of our corporate demigods to pump their miserable dollar-sign shaped heart – which sounds good to us because we crave attention and money. Not a joke!

Cause look: we’re just three guys. Just three guys who live in the beltway, shmooze and booze at Wolf Blitzer’s cocktail parties, and never return Rubio’s calls (that boring ship has boring sailed). We’re journalists, like everyone else. So when the good folks at “The Interrobang” asked us to predict something in a list, we jumped at the opportunity to do some real journalism.

Here are the top 5 contenders for the 2032 election.

Screen Shot 2016-08-12 at 10.11.51 AM

#1 Paul Ryan: Just Creepy Enough

With the constant rationalization of Donald Trump, this pathetic suck-up seems to be trying as hard as possible to torpedo his (inexplicable) political career. But that’s what you idiots would think! Actually, this is what we Washington Insiders call “good political strategy.” By tolerating a hateful bigot who wants to keep Muslims out of a country built on religious freedom and who also wants to assassinate his political opponent, Ryan is actually securing a united Republican future! What can you fuckers not understand about that? Are you dumb? This wonk was born for two reasons: to bore large audiences and to be the President.

Look at his POTUS bonafides: Is he handsome? You bet – in a creepy, awkward, was-told-he-was-handsome-in-middle-school-and-always-believed-it-forever-after kind of way. Is he smart? You bet – if being smart requires you knowing a shit-ton about incorrect data and outdated ideas, then he is the smartest guy in the room. Is he likable – Not at all. But hey, you can’t be everything to all people. But what he is you can’t take away from him: a slender and well organized politician who probably used to hand his homework in early #MyPresident.

* * *

JOEBIDEN

#2 Joe Biden: The Fighter

A true fighter never falls. A true fighter only learns from his mistakes. And what doesn’t kill Joe Biden only makes him stronger. America’s Sweetheart Joe Biden will hear the 2032 call, stand up from his hospital bed, and promptly wrestle Death to the ground growling, “I own the finish line.” After he snaps Death’s neck, he will get in the car and do what the man does best: slap ass and shake hands and pat you on your back and take the Acela to Delaware and support Obama and endear every man, woman, and child the world over to his perfect smile and handsome face and his slightly left-of-standard Democratic policies.

What makes Biden such a good candidate is that he stands apart from other politicians in specific ways – like he actually loves his family and actually believes in America. Compelling stuff from a compelling man. Watch out for Joe Biden.

* * *

Screen Shot 2016-08-12 at 7.54.01 AM

#3 Gavin Newsom: The All Jock Ticket

This is assuming that by 2032 Newsom hasn’t just completed a historic, eight year run as our first progressive president.

Who is he? Well first off, you live under a big rock! I’ll tell ya who he is: He’s the tall, hot, liberal cheater who’s the current “Lieutenant Governor” of the blue-collar state of California. Gav’s a man of the people! He wants a carbon tax! He’s divorced! He’s a regular on Real Time with Bill Maher! He spends more money on his hair than fellow adulterer/2032 presidential hopeful John Edwards! Talk about a fella you just wanna have a Bud Light Bottle with! Which is really all that matters. Did you see our savior Barack Obama’s convention speech? That’s all we want: A handsome, charismatic jock to hand us a beer, tell us we’re the best and that it’s all gonna be okay without giving any specifics! Put me to bed, President Newsom.

* * *

Screen Shot 2016-08-12 at 8.02.48 AM

#4 Mika and Joe: The Morning Prez, Our First Bi-Presidents

Now we know it’s unorthodox to have two people run for President, but if Mika and Joe could ever stop fucking each other for one second and focus on running a campaign, they could be an unstoppable political team.

Think about it: for years Washington D.C. has treated Morning Joe like a city-wide Morning Prayer: we rise each morning and gather at the MSNBC alter. And there he is: Joe Scarborough, his hair tousled after rolling out of bed and into a fleece and down the street and into the studio. You watch him yell at some mediocre guest about some poorly sourced “story” that he probably just made up and you think: ah, our Cronkite. And there she is: Mika Brzezinski, immaculately dressed and just seething that she has to play second fiddle to a RINO who spends his night rubbing shoulders with establishment “bigwigs” like Michael Steele and Dylan Farrow. But their infectious chemistry (they fuck) could be intoxicating to independents hungry for bi-partisanship and thirsty for their Morning Prez.

* * *

EIGHT IS GREAT

#5 David 8 from “Prometheus”: Commandroid in Chief

Coming in real hot at number 5, all the way from Weyland Industries, is your favorite model synthetic, David 8! This 6 ft. android from Ridley Scott’s C- film, “Prometheus,” has everything you want from a commander-in-chief (or commandroid in chief, if you’re smart). He’s cunning, bisexual, and totally immortal! Sure, he’s in the pocket of big tech, but grow up, who isn’t nowadays? My Uncle Jake is up to his neck in big tech money, and he’s been dead for 10 years. Also, David 8 doesn’t need a 10pm bedtime (I’m talking to you W). He can stay up all night! Can you imagine how much reading he could get done? I bet he could read “The Obama Doctrine” in just 2 weeks! But look–the Doomsday clock is three ticks to midnight. Things are getting testy on Russia’s borders . We’re going to need a President who can lead us through a nuclear winter and still maintain a pristine, blond comb-over. Who better than a fictitious robot, like David 8? “Big things have small beginnings?” Definitely political foreshadowing!

Listen to The News with Andrew Block, Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsey on the Forever Dog Podcast Network.