One of the biggest story lines in the NFL recently is the name of the Washington Redskins and a large portion of the public demanding that they change it due to it’s racial insensitivity. The controversy has led some sportscasters to refuse to say the name while Washington’s owner, Dan Snyder, refuses to change it. But why stop at the Redskins? Why not give every team a new name that better suits their team and city?

Teams of the AFC

Baltimore Wire References

The name ‘Ravens’ may have seemed like a good name to go along with the city’s link to Edgar Allan Poe. But this is the NFL, not a book club, and the city of Baltimore is most known for people’s obsession with the HBO series ‘The Wire’ and how they have to insert that they’ve seen the show in any conversation possible. Maybe you can have some recurring characters working concessions around the stadium as an aded easter egg.

Buffalo Bon Jovi’s 

The Buffalo Bills were named after Buffalo Bill Cody in a 1947 naming contest and was followed by an actual buffalo on their helmets in 1962. You’ll need access to Wikipedia to find out who Buffalo Bill Cody even is and when was the last time you saw a bison outside of a nature reserve? Jon Bon Jovi is going to end up owning this team anyway, might as well give him the teams namesake.

Cincinnati Other Cleveland’s

We should just let head coach Marvin Lewis name the team since he’s been there since 2003 despite not having won a single playoff game. When people think of Ohio, the first thing that comes to mind is probably Cleveland, and Cincinnati is equal parts dull and dreary, thus making them the ‘Other Cleveland’s’.

Cleveland Empty Parking Lots

The Cleveland Brown’s may have started out as a franchise that couldn’t be beat but their name still sucked then. Paul Brown hasn’t been alive since 1991 the whole franchise had to be restarted in 1999 after the team was packed up in the middle of the night and shipped off to Baltimore. Why not embrace how all your manufacturing jobs left and name the team after the thing that replaced them: empty parking lots.

Denver Altitude Sickness

The Denver Broncos literally call their home field the ‘mile-high stadium’ due to it being over 5,000 feet above sea-level. Instead of naming your team after a dumb horse, why not use your location as a way to intimidate out-of-towner’s who aren’t as well acclimated to the thin air? Sure, a bronco can trample you, but can it give you fatigue and dizziness?

Houston Behemoths

You can call yourself the Texans all you want Houston, but that doesn’t stop the fact that a whopping 34% of your city is overweight. There’s no doubting that your lack of a mass-transit system and sweltering temperatures don’t leave room for a lot of outside activity and the name ‘Texans’ is as boring as it gets. Let those pants out a few sizes and squeeze yourself in to watch your team struggle through another losing season.

Indianapolis Irsays.

The Rooney’s and Jerry Jones’ of the world are yesterday’s news as far as NFL owners go, with Jim Irsay taking center stage. Sure, you may have a great, young quarterback in Andrew Luck, but he’s not a billionaires son who purchased the original manuscript of ‘On The Road’ and walks around handing out $100 bills while looking constantly fucked up. This team will probably stay with the Irsay’s for years, barring some sort of financial disaster.

Jacksonville Pill Mills.

There aren’t any Jaguars roaming around the city of Jacksonville, but there are plenty of pill heads and pharmacies dolling out oxycontin to anyone who’s asking. The tie-in would also be a great way to actually get people to come to the teams home games, since a name Blake Bortles isn’t exactly drawing in the big crowds.

Kansas City Kansmos.

If the Redskins name has drawn such ire from critics then the Chiefs will surely be next. The only problem is whether the city is actually in Missouri or Kansas. They are technically in the ‘Show Me State’ but lay close enough to the border that most people would probably root for the Jayhawks. Probably better safe than sorry to just take the best of both worlds and call the the Kansmo’s.

Miami Sound Machine.

When you think of Miami, the first thing that comes to your mind isn’t dolphins but Cuban men smoking cigars, beaches and Gloria Estefan’s Miami Sound Machine. Luckily the trademark on the name wasn’t renewed, giving the Miami Dolphins the perfect chance to grab it and instantly have the best team name in the NFL.Pretty much anything followed by ‘machine’ will sound awesome.

New England Southies.

The New England Patriots do have a name that reflects well upon the overall history of the region on which the team is based, but having six states being able to lay claim to a team just doesn’t sit well. The team is actually located in Massachusetts and most of their fans are Irish people say “wicked” and call each other “kid”. This may actually get Ben Affleck to show up to some games.

New Jersey Jets.

You can’t call yourself the New York Jets when you play your home games in New Jersey. Just because your players happen to live in New York doesn’t make your team New Yorkers as well. We get it, having the words ‘New Jersey’ in front of your name doesn’t look so good, but that’s what you get when you agree to share a stadium with the giants

Oakland TBA’s.

Can you give a new name to a team who probably won’t even be playing in Oakland in the very near future? The teams lease at their current stadium ends after this season and they’ve already been wooed by cities like Los Angeles and San Antonio leaving their fan base largely composed of criminals in limbo. The Oakland ‘To Be Announced’ will have to do for now.

Pittsburgh Cardinals.

Like baseball’s St. Louis Cardinals, the Pittsburgh Steelers are said to have the best fans in football, with their loyal fan base, respected ownership and numerous titles. Along with those characteristics also comes with it the most smug fans in the league who look down on other teams while ignoring their own players on and off the field issues. Lets’s re-name the Cardinals, just so it will be easier to keep an eye on the both of them.

San Diego Comic-Cons.

What does the nickname ‘Chargers’ even mean? Is your team just a bunch of flowing electricity? Aside from having nice weather, San Diego isn’t really known for anything other than hosting Comic-Con every year which could be made even bigger by naming their football team the same thing. Who knows, maybe each of Phillip Rivers seven kids could show up at every home game dressed like a different Star Wars character.

Tennessee Sharks.

Are the Tennessee Titans an actual football team with actual fans? Because it doesn’t seem like they are. The teams entire color scheme and name seem like they’re a fake team from a football movie, which is why their new name is the Tennessee Sharks, after the team led by Jamie Foxx in ‘Any Given Sunday’. At least people remembered that they existed when Vince Young was their quarterback.

Teams of the NFC

Arizona Border Patrol.

Arizona is a state with ungodly hot temperatures that shouldn’t be able to withstand human life. That being said, there isn’t an actual cardinal living in that entire state, and since we gave the Steelers their name, the Arizona Cardinals need a new name as well. Since the state is best known these days for cracking down on illegal immigrants by checking the papers of everyone who isn’t lily white, the ‘Border Patrol’ is the perfect name. Their new mascot could just be multiple guards carrying assault rifles patrolling the sidelines.

Atlanta Madeas.

Would the city of Atlanta be anything without Tyler Perry? The actor/comedian took his empire of movies and T.V. shows and based the production on all of them in Georgia’s capital city. Plus, how unoriginal is the name ‘falcons’? If Atlanta sports teams aren’t naming their sports franchise after Native Americans, their naming it after a bird of prey. There has to be plenty of dudes that would be willing to dress up in drag and smack people upside the head on game day.

Carolina Blackouts.

If Cam Newton goes down with an injury, is anyone going to a Carolina Panthers game? Before he started playing half the state probably thought that they were an arena league team whose roof blew off during a hurricane. If a team is unable to sell out their home games 72 hours prior to kickoff, then the game is blacked out to local T.V. viewers. why bother naming the team if no one can even watch them on television?

Chicago Homicides.

There aren’t any bears traveling through Chicago unless the circus or John Goodman is in town, so why are we calling them that? There are constant murders of a variety of degrees in the city, so why not use that to your advantage and scare the shit out of the opposing team? Bonus points if you make the lines on the field look like police tape.

Dallas Jumbotrons.

Jerry Jones may have officially lost it when he built a jumbo tron so big that it might be bigger than the stadium it resides in. Fans gawk at it while punts careen off of it like the massive piece of technology that it is. It’s more famous than the team at this point and should be treated as such, as it hangs precariously over Tony Romo while he blows another game.

Detroit Foreclosures.

Another team from the early days of football, when teams would name their squad after the toughest animal they could think of. The city may have had a lion in their zoo at some point, but it was probably sold off long ago to pay for the city’s water bill. The city is chock full of vacant homes that were foreclosed on long ago, just like Detroit’s stadium will be in the near future.

Green Bay Discount Double-Checks.

Every name that Green Bay has is old or is too gimmicky. The ‘Packers’ made sense in the 1940’s when the players had off-season jobs and weren’t all multi-millionaires. ‘Cheeseheads’ sounds like something that a marketing team came up with who has been in Wisconsin for a day and noticed that there was a lot of cheese stores around. Aaron Rodgers has the State Farm sponsorship on lock down, and his no-name receivers deserve a nickname that makes sense.

Minnesota Hypothermia.

Minnesota has impossibly cold whether like Arizona has hot and humid. It’s so cold that when the Metrodome roof collapsed from too much snow and they were forced to play outside, it was a national news story. It gets so damn cold in Minneapolis that they had to install enclosed pedestrian foot bridges between buildings so people don’t feel like they’re in ‘The Grey’ every time they go on their lunch break. That seems a little more intimidating than some pussy viking.

New Orleans Bountygates.

The Saints can have Drew Brees pass for as many yards and touchdowns as his heart desires, that’s still not going to make people forget about their current head coach and former defensive coordinator giving players bonuses if they inflicted injuries on opposing players. That’s not very saint like, or Christ like for that matter.

New Jersey Giants.

See: New Jersey Jets

Philadelphia Balboas.

The Eagles (or Iggles) may sound like a good name for the city of Philadelphia , bujt does it really represent the town as a whole the way Rocky Balboa did in the Oscar winning film ‘Rocky’. They already have the statue of the fake boxer made, why not just drag it outside of the stadium. Plus, the name ‘Philadelphia Balboas’ would put them in second for the coolest name in the league, right behind the aforementioned Miami Sound Machine.

San Francisco One Percenters.

San Francisco is basically turning into ‘Elysium’ at this point, with wealthy tech workers making the average price of a home $1 million. This is perfectly reflected in their new stadium with it’s solar panels, extra-strong WiFi, and the ability to have peasants deliver food right to your seats. If Gavin Belson was a real person, he would have his own luxury box here.

Seattle Noise Violations.

Seattle named their team the ‘Seahawks’ because naming your team the ‘Ospreys’ wouldn’t sound cool enough. The fans also refer to themselves as the ’12th Man’ even though Texas A&M fans have been calling themselves that since the 1920’s. Seattle also claims to have the loudest fans, even though it just appears to be that way due their stadium being designed to amplify sound. A technological advantage doesn’t make yiu the best fans in the NFL.

St. Louis Football Team.

The Rams are just a pretty boring football team and one step below the Tennessee Titans as far as fan-bases go in that they don’t really have one. St. Louis is and will always be a baseball town with the Rams playing in the cavernous Edward Jones Dome and coming as close to an arena league team as you can get. Even if you were to jump on the bandwagon, it would just mean taking out your old Kurt Warner jersey and looking at it for a few minutes before you folded it neatly back in your drawer.

Tampa Bay Expansions.

The Tampa Bay Bucanneers fan base is comprised mostly of people who have moved their later in life and figure they might as well root for their new home team. Even though they’ve been in the league for 38 years, they still feel like an expansion team with a rotating cast of head coaches and quarterbacks. When you go to play quarteback in Tampa, do you really believe that you’ll play there for more than two years?

Washington Red Skin Potatos.

The Washington Redskins have to change they’re name more then any team in the league. But Dan Snyder could get around this by chopping the word ‘Redskin’ in half and adding ‘Potato’ to the end of it, saving them millions while printing new apparel and merchandise for the fans. Take that political correctness!

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