The 5: Five Reasons to Love America

This Week on the 5: A Few Reasons Why America is Still the Greatest

We know we’re rough on our country, and with good reason.  There are a lot of things that we’ve really fucked up here, and need fixing.  And even though we hate a Hallmark Holiday, there’s nothing wrong with taking a day to stop and think about a few things now and then.  And today, as we  celebrate the birth of our country, we are dedicating the 5 to the things that we love about the U.S. of A.  Add your own in the comments.

• America’s National Parks.  National Parks might be the first truly original thing we did.  Civilization existed for somewhere around 10,000 years without a single national park.  America comes along, within 100 years, Teddy Roosevelt creates the first official National Park, and the whole world follows suit.  Thanks to T.R. you can still see some of the same things Lewis and Clark saw when they crossed America.  You can see waterfalls, and geysers, and buffalo, and wolves, and trees that are hundreds of years old, and canyons and rock formations, without seeing a Courtyard Marriott, a Hilton and a Denny’s 50 feet away.  Nobody can buy those lands or build on them.  If you don’t get why it’s so great, visit Niagara Falls and see what happens when we don’t protect our natural landmarks from development. Sure you can still see the falls after you push your way through the souvenir stands and t-shirt vendors.  And why wouldn’t you want casinos and hotels in the background of your pictures?  Right?  So we are grateful for the 58 national parks and everyone who maintains them.
• The Peaceful Transfer of Power.  When the Obama / Romney election is over, half the country will be upset. Half is always upset after every election. But we don’t take to the streets and we don’t revolt because we don’t have to. We can always wait the bastard out. They only get four years and we’ve never had a President who had enough influence over the Army to try to stay in power. Even your own party is sick of you after eight years.  The Republicans barely wanted George W. Bush to show up the last convention. If Obama is voted out he will leave peacefully and on time. We like it that way. We even secretly like it when the other party wins because then we are free to go on the verbal offensive for at least four years.  Much more fun than defending the guy who we voted for. The peaceful transfer of power, so far it’s been one of the best things America has ever done and we’ve done it perfectly.
• Freedom of Speech.   Our freedoms have always been our most precious resource in the United States, and no freedom has been more important than this one.  In fact, it is our freedom of speech that allows us to continue to protect all of our other rights.  Thanks to the First Amendment we can read books that other countries can’t.  We can have controversial works of art.  We can say fuck the government in our songs.  We can have protests criticizing our leaders, and they even have to give us a place to do it.   We can believe any religion we want to, no matter how silly it is.  We can have parades proclaiming our pride.  We have uncensored talk radio.  We have a free internet.  We can demand new freedoms and protect existing ones.  Yep, thanks to the First Amendment you can enjoy everything from politics to porn.  If anyone tries to take those things away from you, it won’t be the government.
• The Great American Breakfast.  Do you realize that a majority of the world eats a tiny breakfast?  Not in America. We call it the most important meal of the day. Eggs , pancakes, french toast , cereal, bagels donuts , bacon sausage ham , oatmeal and kids we are just getting started scrapple, home fries toast and jam , croissants, cinnamon rolls waffles and you know what we know there is still cold pizza in the fridge. We love breakfast so much that we demand it 24 hours a day.  Imagine you walk into a diner at 7 pm and they didn’t have early morning food, there would be a revolt. The rest of the world can whatever they want about but we are getting out of bed tomorrow and eating a big ass breakfast.
• Kate Upton.  We have Kate Upton and you don’t.  Let’s face it, she’s a national treasure.  She is never too tired to get up and wiggle for her fellow Americans.  She will unselfishly start dancing at the drop of a hat.  She can do the cat daddy.  She can hula hoop.  She can run on the beach.  And she doesn’t complicate any of these talents with overthinking things.  She’s pure, she’s perfect and if ever Lady Liberty gets tired of standing in that harbor, we’re ready to let Kate take her place.