The 5: Christine Meehan-Berg’s Top 5 Gifts That May Save The Mental State Of Your Friend Who Is Having A Kid


NYC’s own Christine Meehan-Berg just released her debut stand-up album, Bumped via You Lucky Dog Productions. A very funny, very pregnant woman delivering jokes that literally couldn’t wait! Her album will absolutely resonate with moms everywhere, but also has universal appeal. Meehan-Berg speaks truths about sex, relationships, marriage, and of course having kids. She recorded her debut album Bumped while nine months pregnant and lives in a magical place called Queens with her husband Aaron and their (now ex-utero) daughter Piper.

Born in Wilmington, Delaware Christine moved to Philadelphia and fell into stand-up comedy. She moved to New York in 2010, and has become a staple in the New York club scene performing at Stand Up New York, the New York Comedy Club, Gotham, Carolines & more. She has been featured on Buzzfeed, SiriusXM, and is a contributing writer for Romper and Bustle.  Get BUMPED everywhere albums are sold!

Now that she’s no longer pregnant, she put together a 5 list for us, that is required reading for anyone about to have a baby, or anyone with an expectant or new-to-parenting friend.

All of your friends are having kids, and you’re expected to give them gifts for rubbing their genitalia together sans protection. “Dummies,” you think while looking for the perfect shower gift they’ll never use. Binkies are so basic. As much as we all need diapers for those fragile baby butts, new moms need love too. They too need things to help save their sanity after birthing whatever size fruit they grew in utero. Mom-ing is hard enough when strange psyche-ward escapees give unsolicited parenting advice on the street. Here are a few real items that can save that friend’s sanity when navigating the world of child rearing.

#1 Preparation H: Let’s be honest. The pain of childbirth doesn’t end when you take the bumpy ride home on neglected American roadways. You either ripped your pleasure center, or pushed so hard that more than the baby came out. Or, you were drugged and cut and given opiates to relieve being impaled. Those opiates do the opposite that a good hangover Quarter Pounder with Cheese does. So much straining with little result. Sixty to seventy percent of moms develop hemorrhoids post delivery. Give the lady the gift of an ointment that will double as an under-eye bag minimizer. Both ends of her body will thank you.

#2 The Rock & Play (or something like it): Yeah, so what this thing was recalled for killing kids? What were those moms doing, rigging it so it could swing like the Cyclone? Blame the item, not the overzealous parent, I suppose. But, if you have the money to buy anything that swings the madness out of a newborn, do it. Find one that doesn’t take lives. You don’t want to be a murderer.

#3 Edibles: Save the shitty judgement for Clarence Thomas to make. There’s a story here. There’s a guy who makes edibles that supplies them to the comedy community, and gives them away as samples. He just hands them out like candy! Well, they are candy; the fun kind. New moms and dads can suffer PPD for a long time after the baby comes. After I stopped breastfeeding, I faced the most amount of rage and sadness that I can only describe as fear of myself. I thought, “I’ll never take this edible,” when I was handed one. Then I took 1/100th of the thing and the rage went away. Find a guy. Give your friend one and tell them to make sure to wait until they stopped boob feeding completely and put the kid to sleep first. CBD oil is a less-shitty mom choice. Also available in candy.

#4 Sound Machine: Very simply put, to drown out the wailing of a screaming newborn. Make sure the sound doesn’t suck. Those lullabies can incite a psychotic break after weeks of sleep deprivation. Go for rain, thunderstorms, or the ocean. Mom can imagine herself in her twenties down in Costa Rica, alone in a hammock, drunk on rum, wishing for this future baby that nearly bit her nipple off.

#5 Depends: The babe needs diapers. Not the child: the mom. For two reasons. First, any kind of jolt in the first few days, or a long car ride, can cause panic and humiliation. I shoved five Pampers down my pants in the backseat of my Volkswagon while my infant slept soundly, my husband was doing racist jokes in a club, and weekend NYC tourists peered into my car. Plus, there was leakage. Babies don’t have the same bladder capacity as moms. Pampers lies and says they’re super absorbent in my opinion. Second, there’s blood and stuff. Your friend may experience the sights and smells of a butcher shop in her pants after she birthed her magical nugget. Depends don’t stick to c-section stitches like pads do. I’ve lived to tell the tale. Plus, they’re easier for your partner to pull off you while you cry over your shattered body. I’m still in therapy.

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