A Fantasy Fan Attacks George R.R. Martin And A Game Of Thrones, and Tells You Why Tolkien Remains the Lord of Fantasy

Since A Game of Thrones came to HBO, the rest of the world has caught up with the stories that fantasy fans have been raving about for years. With this giant spotlight thrust upon creator George R.R. Martin and his work, people have been talking up his book series like it’s the greatest series ever written. Some have called him the  “American Tolkien” — like he’s the new Tolkien on the block.   But read this – George R.R. Martin is no American Tolkien.

You want fantasy writing?  Forget Martin, you need to read Tolkein.  Maybe some people have forgotten what Tolkien’s work meant, how truly original it was, how it was received, and who Tolkien actually was.  Both GRRM and his “A Game of Thrones” pale  in comparison to “A Lord of the Rings”;  in fact it should be criminal to compare the two.  But since it isn’t, here are just some of the reasons George RR Martin can’t even carry Tolkien’s book bag.

1.  Literary Pedigree:   What’s Better?  Being a Max Headroom Staff Writer, or an Oxford English Professor?

Try and guess which author did what. Oh yeah, by the way it was Tolkien who was tenured at Oxford University for nearly 35 years, was friends with CS Lewis and created his own languages just for fun.  What was Martin’s background?  Well, he jumped from tv show to tv show after one of his novels failed. From the Twilight Zone, to Max Headroom to Beauty and the Beast, he became a journeyman television writer. In 1996 Martin published the first book in the “A Game of Thrones” series. Sorry Martin. Oxford looks a lot classier than late 80’s sci-fi shows.

WINNER: TOLKIEN

2.  Language Creation:  Which is More Impressive?  Elvish or Dothraki

J. R. R. Tolkien created two entirely different languages in the Lord of the Rings – in fact these were the first bits he wrote before anything else in the series. Tolkien was a linguist who worked for the Oxford English Dictionary, language fascinated him and his brilliance created a fuller, more layered world. George R.R. Martin created language too– sort of.  He created a few Dothraki words and then the good people at HBO hired the “Language Creation Society” to create a full fledged language to be spoken on the show. That’s just lazy, George. Come on.

WINNER:  TOLKIEN

3.  Writing Style:  Subtle is Better Than Smashing Us in the Face with Bluntness

Martin can’t seem to get enough flaccid penises, prostitutes breasts and graphic sex acts and he describes them often throughout the series. We know the detailed descriptions of the penises of most of his major characters. And, when a woman is having sex (or being raped), it seems to be important to Martin to let us know if she’s having her “monthly visitor.”  But in Tolkien’s world, sure characters took baths, but Tolkien never felt the need to describe Frodo’s Hobbit penis to readers. Tolkien was able to master details and broad strokes where as Martin gets mired in the small stuff. Literally. Unless he’s describing a Giant’s penis – (and yes, he has).

WINNER: TOLKIEN

4.  George R. R. Martin: Literary Shock Jock Uses Overkill. Tolkien Writes Better.

***Spoilers ahead for anyone who hasn’t seen the show or read the books by now.***

When you kill off your main protagonist in the first book of a series, it’s going to elicit emotion from people. The murder of Ned Stark blew everyone away. Whether you had read the books or saw it for the first time on the show – it came out of nowhere.  That worked once, but it isn’t going to work every time. There have been other shocking moments in the series but when major characters get killed off in bunches, you become numb to it. Martin’s series almost feels like the internet – it desensitizes you.

WINNER:  TOLKIEN

 5.  Succinctness – 1,200 Pages vs 4,000+ Pages

Tolkien’s already proven he can write a complete story– you know, with a beginning middle and end. In roughly 1200 pages he told the story of Middle Earth which impacted millions of  lives.   People have been reading the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings for generations. George R.R. Martin has filled 4,228 pages and 5 novels worth of story. Time between books has gotten longer and longer. HBO is so worried about Martin’s pace that they had him tell the ending of the books to the TV show’s producers so they can finish the show if he dies– which has never happened before.  The writers on the television series are better editors than Martin’s actual publishers. No one but Martin knows if he can actually finish this story and that’s what should scare his fans the most.

WINNER:  TOLKIEN

6.  Finally, Even George R.R. Martin Knows He’s No Tolkien

Hypable.com saw Martin speak in front of some fans.  Here’s what they wrote:

Perhaps most interestingly, though, he addressed the comparisons between his work and that of Tolkien, saying, while he wasn’t sure what the author would think about Ice and Fire, had he been able to read it, Martin imagined that Tolkien would “be appalled.”

Spot on, George!

Final Score:  George R.R. Martin:  0    J.R.R. Tolkien: 6  

WINNER:  TOLKIEN

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