Back in 2006, everyone told me to watch Arrested Development. I didn’t, it got canceled, and I lived with the guilt for 7 long years until more episodes were created. I wrote this article to say don’t let this happen to you; that you should watch Not Safe with Nikki Glaser immediately before it’s too late. And then one day before this article was set to publish, Comedy Central went and canceled Not Safe. But take my word for it, watching Nikki was better than when your parents gave you “the talk.” You needed to let self-described “curious perv” Nikki Glaser guide them through the confusing sex-verse, because look at you, you’re a curious perv too.
Yes, Glaser is a blonde comedian who talks incessantly about sex. Maybe it’s not exactly original, but her Comedy Central show, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, was entirely unique. One part talk-show, part variety-show, and part sketch-show, Glaser did so much more than just chat about sex with other equally funny comedians (though she did plenty of that, too). It’s gone now, but America you should have been watching.
Originally, my plan was that if the show didn’t get renewed, I would hold all of you personally responsible, seek you out, and kill you. But that seems a bit aggressive. Instead I’ll just share ten reasons why everyone should have been watching.
There is serious untapped potential for skill, talent, and beauty in an artform as ubiquitous as dick pics. Is it really that hard to put a beret on your dick, have it holding a tiny baguette as it smokes a tiny cigarette and place it in front of expertly crafted Parisian landscape? I didn’t think so! You can even use the Eiffel Tower as a measurement reference to impress!
Like you, I watch porn for the intricate story lines and authentic acting that adult films feature. But there’s always room for improvement. Nikki and pals do this every so often, and always with hilarious results. And good looks to the actor for staying hard while lamenting the gender pay gap.
Most of us are happily unaware regarding how well-endowed our fathers are. Nikki Glaser does not live in this blissful ignorance. And now she’s cursed, for our enjoyment, to forever picture her parents doing the deed in what she now knows is their favorite position.
No commentary necessary. If you want to be a jerk and watch none of the videos in this article, please just quiet the asshole within you for a moment and watch this one.
Far be it from me to yuck someone else’s yums. So let’s just leave it at a solid ‘different strokes for different folks.’
Or is this just the horror that is men? At the very least, Tinder gives us permission to act way more psychotic than we’ve ever dreamed of by letting a potential sex partner witness, and still get laid plenty.
Now, I’m sure some of you out there know the answers to these questions. So laugh at these dum-dums stupidity and enjoy a brief sense of superiority here.
Abbi on Broad City shows us some respectful pegging. Nikki’s encounter takes on a slightly different tone.
Anthony Weiner: watch closely, take notes.
I think Jerry Seinfeld said it best when he said that “determining the female orgasm is like being asked, ‘What did you see after the car went out of control?’ ‘I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.’” But Nikki is doing her best to help men do their best so that women can have the best. Get that?