Unscientific Presidential Predictors


It’s been a year of talking about polls, debates and swing states. But who needs polling data when we have good old fashioned superstition!? There are plenty of ways to tell who will win the election on Tuesday before anyone even casts a single vote. Some go back decades, others are fairly new. These are the trends and patterns and maybe coincidences that can tell us well before election day who is going to be sitting in the White House. These are the Unscientific Presidential Predictors.

* * *

* * *

  • The November 6 Election Day.  When Election Day falls on November 6th, this predictor says the Democratic candidate shouldn’t even bother campaigning. Every time voters have gone to the polls on the 6th of November starting in 1860, the Republican candidate has won the White House. This seems like a lot, but November 6 Election Days have only happened 6 times before this year.
  • Halloween Masks.  Here’s a predictor that started in 1996 and has never been wrong. Spirit Halloween stores have been predicting that whichever candidate has the best selling mask for Halloween will win the election. This looks like a landslide for Obama whose masks outsold Romney masks, 60% to 40%. Going by this logic, it would appear that Batman, the Wolfman or Ghostface from the “Scream” movies would have a very good chance at being elected President of the United States.
  • The Redskins Rule.  Hail to the Redskins. Their predictor had a long run starting in 1940. If the Redskins win the week before the election, then the incumbent party would stay in the White House. If they lose, then the other party would take over power. The Redskin Rule came to a screeching halt in 2004, when they lost to Green Bay, but George W. Bush won. This past weekend the Redskins lost to the Panthers. Now that the cycle has been broken, it’s hard to say this predictor is still relevant. Kind of like the 3 and 6 Redskins.
  • Kids Vote. Every election year, Scholastic Magazine lets kids vote for President. And the kids vote has accurately predicted who would win the Presidential race 16 out of the last 18 elections. This year, the children are picking Obama with 51% to Romney’s 45%. Another 4% voted third party, which we can only assume went to either Mickey Mouse or Farty McFarterson.
  • The L.A. Lakers.  The Lakers had a nice streak of Presidential predicting going on until last election. Since 1952, every election year that the Lakers made it to the NBA Championship series whether they won or lost, the Republicans won the White House. This all worked fine until last election when the Lakers faced the Celtics in 2008 and John McCain lost the Presidency. And with Miami beating Oklahoma City this year, no one is looking to the Lakers to tell us who the President will be.
  • First Ladies and Their Cookies.  Family Circle magazine has been running their own poll about whose cookie recipe tastes best and in 4 out of the last 5 elections, the cookie poll has predicted the winner. The only blot on Family Circle’s record, the McCains again. This year, Michelle Obama’s “White and Dark Chocolate Cookies” beat out Ann Romney’s “M&M Cookies”, 51.5% to 48.5%. With all that kitchen help, Ann Romney could only come up with an M&M recipe!? Her and her cookies may have lost the election for her husband.
  • 7-Eleven Coffee Cups.   You’ll need a Presidential coffee predictor to go with those cookies. 7-Eleven stores started their unscientific coffee cup poll with the 2000 election and they have been right ever since. In fact, the coffee cup poll has been predicting winners and losers to within a percentage point. This year the Obama cups are outselling the Romney cups by a 60 to 40 margin. And to make it more exciting, 7-Eleven put out their important Ohio swing state coffee numbers where President Obama’s cup is beating Mitt Romney’s cup 57% to 43%.
  • The World Series.   The San Francisco Giants sweeping the Detroit Tigers was good news for Team Obama. When the National League wins the series in an election year, so does the Democrat. With the American League, it’s the Republican. This one has held up 11 of the past 15 elections including the past 3. Fortunately this one has nothing to do with how well a sitting President can throw out a first pitch.
  • Alabama Versus LSU.   Starting in 1984, if the Crimson Tide got the win, so did the Democrat. In election years where the LSU Tigers won, it was the Republican. Final score this past Saturday night, Alabama 21 LSU 17. Sure it came late in the game, but Alabama pulled it out.
* * *

 FINAL SCORE:  OBAMA 7, ROMNEY 2


44 comments
Greatly Fatigued
Greatly Fatigued

This is as scientific as anything published in academia on the subject.  Dr. Pepper Hicks should be building forecast models full time.

bioinsegnante
bioinsegnante

I will drive Fez to the airport and pay for his ticket if Romney wins.  Anything to shut that idiot up!

cal5000
cal5000

If Romney loses thats hundreds millions of dollars from crazy rich assholes pissed away. That would be hilarious.

Amesib
Amesib

The only reason I'll be happy with a Romney win is knowing that the GAY issues hurt rather than help a candidate, so it will be the last time you hear from THEM

Bronzebomber
Bronzebomber

The biggest indicator is that Fez is 100% wrong about everything.  I guess its a Romney victory.

Sackman
Sackman

Fez's rant today was almost unlistenable. His only motivation for voting is gay marriage. Of course it is important, but we have far bigger issues in this country

FanBoy1
FanBoy1

I suspect its going to be much closer then that. Obama dont have this shit locked up. People lOve coffee and Hate voting =dats to much like work!

FezsDinnerTray
FezsDinnerTray

If someone lies about living on Roosevelt island when they actually live on Christoper Street, Obama loses.

Pool Keepers Son
Pool Keepers Son

Book of Eli was better than the Book of Mormon.... Denzel

Pool Keepers Son
Pool Keepers Son

Fez sounds more like Frankie Mac every day, ELECTION WARNING!!!!!!!

Steve in Tampa
Steve in Tampa

I don't care if Romney's religion makes him to dress up in a goat uniform and dance around a fire every Thursday, if he can fix this shitty economy/recovery/employment situation, more power to him.

ecupirate
ecupirate

If Romney wins, Fez must tell us where he was during the hurricane

OllieInChicago
OllieInChicago

I wish the Mormons would fight the Myrmadons.  

ElectricDave
ElectricDave

According to this no one needs to go out and vote...Obama already won....right Fez?!

BillyG
BillyG

the other 3% of kids are eating paste

DeathProof
DeathProof

I hope Romney wins. It will make for better radio. Keep Fez involved.

BillyG
BillyG

The winner of the most votes almost always wins

Docintoxicated
Docintoxicated

If Fez wakes up election day and sees his shadow it means 4 more years of a democrat or republican.

harlequincy
harlequincy

These trends are trending right now.

Steve in Tampa
Steve in Tampa

It's like the World Cup Octopus, or the Super Bowl Buffalo.  You never hear about these things until all of a sudden they've been right for 128 years, and then half are wrong once they get exposure.

ElectricDave
ElectricDave

I feel like Fez's rants are counter productive......I want to go vote for Romney just in spite of Fez; and it will be radio gold to listen to him tomorrow

queenelisabeth
queenelisabeth

my vote is for Ron Bennington and so is my 3 year old

shrekkalove
shrekkalove

Scholastic Magazine is still around?!

harlequincy
harlequincy

These make more sense than the antiquated Electoral College...good job Fezzie

Steve in Tampa
Steve in Tampa

Not based on any logic or data.  Just like Fez.

Narc Zito
Narc Zito

Finally.  Something that has nothing to do with poles.