The Avoid At All Costs Nightmare Super Bowl Party From the 7th Circle of Hell

You’ve waited all year for Super Bowl–  it’s your favorite holiday.   Sports, beer, food, and you don’t have to buy anyone gifts.  All you need is an invite to a great party (see  Super Bowl Parties 2013: The Right Way) or at least manage to avoid having to go to an awful one.  If you walk into the wrong party – the day is ruined.

This year we discovered the internet is FULL of bad advice.  It seems like there are more hack ideas, and shitty gimmicks for Super Bowl than any other holiday celebration.  Here are some things that people think are Super Bowl traditions, but they’re not.   If you see  these at the party you’re going to — and odds are if you see one, you’ll see them all–  then you may have just walked into the overly-cutesey-awful-shit-zone.  Expect to spend the night complimenting your hostess on balloons, watching the puppy bowl, and yelling out “what was the call?  what did he say?”

FootBowl Food Helmet Colored Food

fruit helmet Super Nails Bowl Berries SuperBowlToddlers 

FootLoaf Goal-POst-cooler The Cake 

super-bowl-cooler-party burgers stadium 7 footbowls

  1. Food Stadiums.  One word.  Disgusting.  Why do people keep trying to make these?  We covered this last year in detail.  Avoid these at all costs. 
  2. Footballs As Bowls and Dishes.  Yes, we do love football, but that doesn’t mean we want to eat out of them. We can all get the point of getting together to watch a football game without the constant reminder of dishes, bowls and platters all shaped like the thing we’re watching. It’s like watching the Kentucky Derby and having to eat your food off of a horse.  It’s not the worst offense in the list but it is a sign that your hosts may have planned a too cutesy evening for you.
  3. Eating Out Of a Helmet.  Run out of footballs to serve things in!? There’s also the helmet bowls.  Because what doesn’t look even more appetizing when served in a hat!? If you’re at the Super Bowl Party from Hell, we hope you enjoy your helmet snacks with a little dust.  Because that’s what these things have been gathering the rest of the year while sitting in the closet waiting for the big game.
  4. Color Coordinated Snacks.  Decorations are one thing at a Super Bowl party, but some people insist on making their snacks fly the team colors as well.  You may be a cheering for Baltimore this year, but don’t make people have to look at purple and black food all during the game.  Put the food coloring away and just enjoy the game.
  5. Hooray! Team Spirit Finger Nails!  You know right away you’ve walked in the Super Bowl Party from Hell, if there is someone on the guest list who greets you with NFL finger nail polish.  It’s nice to know that you’re watching with a serious fan whose biggest party priority was a trip to the nail salon. She’s usually the girl who wants to gossip all game long, and loudly.
  6. Turning Food Into Edible Footballs.  Your Super Bowl Party has taken a turn for the awful  when not only are you eating out of football shaped things, but you’re also eating football shaped things.  Putting some crisscross lines on deviled eggs doesn’t make them any funner to eat.  And doing the same thing to chocolate covered strawberries is just annoying– they’re  not even shaped like footballs.  But the worst offense of all is the football meatloaf.  You shouldn’t be serving moldable food.
  7. Partying Like You’re Outdoors.  You were invited to a Super Bowl party, not a tailgating party with a roof over it. People love to drink too much during the game, but the living room doesn’t have to look like you’re camping and be filled with coolers.  If you need that much beer next you at all times, maybe it’s time to turn off the game and call a helpline.
  8. Toddler Mascots.   It’s fun to have little kids at a party.  But what’s not fun is having little kids at a Super Bowl Party whose parents insist on making them part of the game.  Little kids don’t want to have to sit there with adults and watch a game that they don’t like or understand yet.  If you see the  under five set  dressed from head to toe, you can be sure they’ll be spending most of the day toddling around right between you and the TV.
  9. Dessert:  The Cake Isn’t Just a Cake- It’s the Field.  You know you’re at a Super Bowl without imagination if the dessert is cake and yes, the cake is decorated like a football field.  This is the easiest Super Bowl party gimmick ever. And not only do you get the same cake every year, but also the same joke when someone asks for a piece of the end zone.   Okay, maybe this one isn’t so bad minus the end zone joke.  If you have to get cutesy, this is the place to do it.  At least the cake is supposed to be shaped like a field.

footbowls stadium overdone party balloons bad party