Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!? (NSFW)
Guess which sharp and/or twisted mind with a taste for the bizarre said the following quotes. Or just read through them and laugh! Was the quote said by Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright, or Fez Whatley!?
1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
2. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
3. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
6. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
7. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
8. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
9. Is anyone else hearing voices?
10. I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going, and hook up with them later.
11. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
12. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
13. I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious.
14. I’ve pissed my pants and there’s nothing you can do about it.
15. What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?
16. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
17. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
18. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
19. There’s seven dicks in my ass and there’s always room for eight.
20. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
21. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
22. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
24. On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means ‘Where the hell did you get that banana at?’
25. If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
26. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
27. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
28. It’s me! Fezzie!
29. I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
If you got 20-29 questions right….Why are you counting? This is just for fun!
If you got 11-19 questions right….You’re too competitive. Just answer the questions.
If you got 5-10 questions right….Why didn’t you stop counting after 10 wrong answers?
If you got less than 5 right….You’re still counting, and you suck. Total Fail.
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Liberty Hardy is a bookseller and Civil War nerd living in Kittery, Maine. She is also a contributing editor for Book Riot and runs Paperback to the Future.
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