Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!? (NSFW)


mitch-hedberg-steven-wright-or-fez-whatley

Guess which sharp and/or twisted mind with a taste for the bizarre said the following quotes. Or just read through them and laugh! Was the quote said by , , or !?

 


1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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2.  Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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3.  Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

 

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4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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5. Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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6. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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7. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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8. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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9.  Is anyone else hearing voices?


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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10. I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going, and hook up with them later.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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11. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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12. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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13. I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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14.  I’ve pissed my pants and there’s nothing you can do about it.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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15. What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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16. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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17. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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18. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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19.  There’s seven dicks in my ass and there’s always room for eight.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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20. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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21. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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22. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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23. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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24. On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means ‘Where the hell did you get that banana at?’


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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25. If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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26. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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27. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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28.  It’s me! Fezzie!


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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29. I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.


Who Said That!? Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright or Fez Whatley!?

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If you got 20-29 questions right….Why are you counting? This is just for fun!
If you got 11-19 questions right….You’re too competitive.  Just answer the questions.
If you got 5-10 questions right….Why didn’t you stop counting after 10 wrong answers?
If you got less than 5 right….You’re still counting, and you suck.  Total Fail.

 

mitchstevefez

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Liberty Hardy is a bookseller and Civil War nerd living in Kittery, Maine. She is also a contributing editor for Book Riot and runs Paperback to the Future.

14 Comments

  1. BadNewsJeff

    July 31, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Ouch!  Someone’s not a Fez fan I see.  I noticed something seeing Mitch Hedberg’s bits written out-  He would never say “didn’t”, but rather “did not”.  He was a lot like my grandmother that way.

  2. SpongeSteve

    July 31, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I like this bit. It really features Fez’s lack of whit.

  3. BunnyKickButt

    July 31, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Even in this game, Fez barely talks.

  4. IzodBucket

    July 31, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    I just got here. Did I win?

  5. Captain Geech

    July 31, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    less Fez is the best Fez

  6. Binary Daoist

    July 31, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    I can still hear Mitch saying those things in my head

  7. tschwand

    July 31, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    I may not know my Mitch from my Steven, but I do know my Fezzie.

  8. SarcasticScndrl

    July 31, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    I’m here to garnish Pepper’s wages…

  9. clown baby

    July 31, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Binary Daoist  Is anyone else hearing voices?

  10. clown baby

    July 31, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    God damnit Mitch was fucking funny!

  11. YotaruVegeta

    July 31, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    It’s easier to tell when it’s a Hedburg joke because he plays on idoms by taking them to an absurd, literal extent.

    Fez? Well, he’s very wily, very unpredictable. Who knows what the hell he’ll say next!

  12. i57ignite

    July 31, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Shit.  I had a perfect score until “…that was all I had.”  Could have sworn that was Hedberg.

  13. Hoboken Guy

    August 1, 2014 at 12:07 am

    It’s a lot easier than it seems.  If it’s witty and makes you laugh, you can narrow it down to Mitch or Steven.

    Man those guys are both awesome though.

  14. Imdavid

    August 2, 2014 at 4:57 am

    does anyone on staff know what the fuck NSFW means?