Liz’s Listicles: Liz Barrett’s How to Have a Good Enough Birthday

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Liz Barrett is a New-York based stand-up comedian and writer. Raised in a military family and having moved all around the world, Liz is deadpan, dry, engaging, and offers shrewd observations about life and womanhood.  You’ll remember her one-liners long after you see her.   Liz has appeared on AXS TV Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die and New York Post Videos. You can also hear her on Raw Dog Comedy on SiriusXM.     Since 2013, Liz has produced her own monthly show Grin and Barrett which has been described as “puntastically named” and “one of the best shows in the city produced by a female comedian.” Liz’s Listicles will appear on theinterrobang.com monthly.  Follow Liz on Twitter @LizComedy and on Instagram @LizComedy.

Are you just trying to make it through these days? Are you just hanging on and ready to fall out of the hammock, which is life? Are you tired of feeling like you need to be perfect? Comedian Liz Barrett is here to help. Each month, comedian Liz Barrett (Sirius XM, Gotham Comedy Live) will provide tips on how you can cut yourself some slack. With her tips, you will not be living your best life, but a perfectly fine life.

This month Liz’s Listicles discusses tips on how to make sure you and your friends don’t have a bad birthday, but a perfectly fine one.

 

As kids, birthdays are simple. Five-year-olds don’t sit around on their birthday lamenting where the time has gone and the meaning of life. They slap spit-covered cake on their face and let the good times roll. Adult birthdays are trickier. Some people don’t want anyone to mention their birthday, and some demand a monthlong celebration. However, most people like some recognition of the day they came into the world. And let’s face it, an adult birthday is really just a celebration that the person kept going one more year, back pain be damned. Just because the youthful glow has worn off, does not mean birthdays have to suck. Part of having a good birthday is lowering your expectations. Here are some pointers on how you and your friends can have a birthday that doesn’t suck, even when everyone’s sciatica is acting up.

How To Have A Good Enough Birthday

Day drinking is a must. Start early. You’ll be in bed by 10 p.m. anyway.

Do not mix your boring and non-boring friends. This isn’t a wedding. Either stick to your friends who still like to have fun, or have two separate celebrations. Don’t mix the “I drink tea and go to bed at 9 p.m.” person with the “I carry a flask and like to not come home until 4 a.m.” person.

Take two years off everyone’s age. During a pandemic, no one ages. Birthdays in 2020 and 2021 do not count. 

Do what the birthday person wants. Have you celebrated your friend’s 29th birthday for seven years and are tired of it because she has started to call you her old pal? Tough. Your friend wants to drink tequila at a weird karaoke bar until you both puke while singing “Livin’ on a Prayer?” Unless you are in AA, or break out in a rash when you hear Bon Jovi, do it!

Don’t spend money on cocaine at a birthday party if you are in your 20s. Young people have energy to spare, so it’s actually 40-year-olds who need cocaine in order to stay up past 11 p.m. 

People in their 40s need food at a party. At this age, people can’t just drink, you have to feed them at a birthday celebration, but not too much. If you have no food, they get too drunk too fast and go to sleep. If you have too much food, they get too tired and go to sleep. It’s a delicate dance. And remember, you can always get the cocaine. 

Don’t mention the age of women over 30 or gay men of any age unless you want to be slapped.

Don’t ever give a book like “You Know You’re Getting Old When…” or “You Are Never Too Old for Greatness” as a gift, unless you want the book thrown back at you.

Avoid buying balloons for anyone over the age of 6. Balloons are like a one-night stand, they are fun for the night, but the next day no one wants to see a big, deflated reminder of the night before.

 

Celebrate your decade birthdays, forget your next one. Decade birthdays (e.g., 30) are great. A big, fun party awaits you. However, just skip the next year, because no one cares about your birthday until you’re at least halfway through another decade. Your Mom doesn’t even care that you turned 31.

Comedian Liz Barrett (Sirius XM, Gotham Comedy Live, Laughs on FOX, Lifetime, Funny or Die) wants people to stop being perfect, and start being real. Follow Liz @lizcomedy on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. 

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Liz Barrett
Liz Barrett