John Oliver Will Do Anything To Get Rid of FIFA Chief Sepp Blatter

john oliver fifa sepp blatter

John Oliver loves the World Cup, but he hates FIFA. You may remember last year when he called FIFA a “comically grotesque organization” and talked about the rampant problems in the organization.

This week, high ranking officials of FIFA were arrested in a raid that was the result of an FBI investigation.  It’s a little unusual that the US is the government behind the raid.  “It took the country that cares the least about football, to bring down the people who are ruining it,” Oliver said.   But what Oliver is most unhappy about is that despite a 164 page indictment handed down by the US government accusing FIFA officials of soliciting $150 million in bribes and kickbacks, none of the allegations touched FIFA chief Sepp Blatter.  “All the arrests in the world are going to change nothing,” Olive said, “as long as Blatter is still there, because  to truly kill a snake you must  cut off its head, or in this case, it’s asshole.”

If the US does manage to find grounds to indict Sepp, Oliver says the whole world’s opinion of America would change overnight.

But if the US doesn’t indict, Oliver is begging the World Cup sponsors to take action– companies like Budweiser, McDonalds, Hyundai, Kia, Adidas, Coca Cola and Visa, could force Blatter out.  And if  these sponsors can make Sepp Blatter go away, here is the list of things Oliver is willing to do as a thank you.

“Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs.”

“McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.”

“And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice. Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I’m serious, it can be a Bud Light. I will even drink a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster. But I will do it. I will drink one, making eye contact with the camera, and I will say it was delicious. Because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like fucking champagne.”

Try finding that on a network.

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