Impossible Movie Sequels You Won’t See Anytime Soon

impossible movie sequels

People love sequels. A movie only becomes good once they make four to ten carbon-copy, big-budget follow-ups to the first flick. Otherwise, we know that the movie is a piece of garbage and a waste of all of our times. Imagine a world where Sly Stallone had made Rocky, but hadn’t made Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Rocky Balboa, and the upcoming Creed. That world would be pretty close to the world we have today, but people would probably be smiling a lot less!

Hollywood has figured out this great formula. Yet there are some movies where a sequel would be dang-near impossible to make, because the filmmakers were just plain dumb. Damn! To help Hollywood, we’ve brainstormed potential sequels of films that you might think were destined to stand on their own. Not so fast.

[WARNING: This list contains major spoilers to decades-old movies.]

GONE WITH THE WIND, Clark Gable, Vivien Leigh, 1939

Gone With The Wind (1939)

Okay, this one’s a toughie. Rhett Butler takes all kindsa shit from Scarlett O’Hara for around four hours. Finally, at the end, he walks away after telling Scarlett: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” A fitting end to a film that won ten Academy Awards and earned a place in cinema history… but we gotta make Part 2…

Back From The Wind

Rhett comes back and says, “Babe, I know I said I didn’t give a damn, but you know I didn’t mean that. I was just hungry.” With this opening line, we’re off and running. Love, strife, hijinks, and questions as to why it took Rhett more than 75 years to return makes this sequel a can’t-miss.

casablanca 2 rick and louie hang out

Casablanca (1942)

Hoooooboy, a Casablanca sequel would get the blogs talkin’. But how are we gonna do it? Rick (Humphrey Bogart) told Ilsa (Ingrid Birgman) to get on the plane with her husband, Victor Laszlo (Some Actor Who’s Name I Don’t Know). There’s no circumstance where Rick would run into Ilsa again. Safe to say that they ain’t bumping into each other at a grocery store. So what’s the sequel? Well, it’s planted at the end of the first film. Rick walks away with Louis Renault, saying, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” This line perfectly sets the stage for an instant classic…

Rick & Louie Hang Out!

A buddy-cop movie, without the cops. Really just two buddies, dodging Nazis, having some beers, and loving life. Fun for the family and no meddling women from Bogart’s past ruining his good time. In this sequel, he fully realizes the truth: Bros truly do come before hoes.

Big Indian's a Runnin

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

I’ll be honest, I don’t know where to go with this one. So, in the first one, McMurphy challenges Nurse Ratched until she has him lobotomized. Chief Bromden smothers McMurphy, then throws a water fountain out of the window and escapes the mental institution. Great film adapted from a great book — but whaddya say we stop adapting and start sequel-ing? Ladies and gentlemen…

Big Indian’s A-Runnin’

We covered all the ground we could in the mental hospital in the first one. Nurse Ratched is evil, Nicholson’s character is dead, the other patients are nuts — we get it. Let’s watch Chief Bromden keep running. Seeing him run, stop for a slice, slow down and walk for a few, before finding himself in New York City. The Big Indian in the Big Apple is a classic fish-out-of-water tale and a follow-up flick we deserve.

12 angrier men

12 Angry Men (1957)

In this classic, Henry Fonda convinces the eleven other members of the jury ready to convict a man of murder that the defendant is, in fact, not guilty. One of the great films of all-time, referenced often in pop culture, and yet no sequel. The film ends with the case closing and all the cast going home. There’s no chance Hollywood can rekindle this magic. Unless…

Jury Duty Again?!

The same twelve jurors get called for jury duty again. This time, they find themselves on a minor medical malpractice case, but they still bicker and argue — as these 12 men always seem to do. Also, this time the judge is mad also, so our “Angry Men” count is up to 13.

hindenberg

Titanic (1997)

The ship sank. We gotta change settings. DiCaprio drowns, but we still have that old woman who survived. She lived a long life between getting on that stupid boat and where she is when she’s remembering the whole iceberg thing. I’m guessing she lived a life in between that’s worth telling. I’m gonna say that she was on…

The Hindenburg

Let’s put her on the Hindenburg also. That flight caught fire 25 years after the Titanic sunk. Was Kate Winslet on it? Sure, why the hell not? This woman has bad luck wherever she goes. Tell a similarly long story, with a nice soundtrack, some handsome actor, and disaster looming — with Winslet emerging as unscathed as ever. You know what that sequel would bring? Some goddamn Oscars.

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Dan Perlman is a stand-up comedian and writer from New York City. Dan performs regularly at Stand Up NY, New York Comedy Club, Comic Strip Live, and alternative rooms across the city. He has performed in comedy festivals in Brooklyn, Memphis, and Dallas. In 2013, Dan was named Comedy Contributor for Neil deGrasse Tyson’s popular StarTalk Radio show. He co-founded, writes, and stars in the web series, Moderately Funny. Dan also works as a Sketch Company Writer for the Off-Broadway theater group, On The Rocks. Currently, Dan hosts and produces a monthly storytelling show, Hindsight, at Stand Up NY Labs. He also appears regularly on SiriusXM’s Ron and Fez Show. Visit danperlmancomedy.com for more.
Dan Perlman
Dan Perlman
Dan Perlman is a stand-up comedian and writer from New York City. Dan performs regularly at Stand Up NY, New York Comedy Club, Comic Strip Live, and alternative rooms across the city. He has performed in comedy festivals in Brooklyn, Memphis, and Dallas. In 2013, Dan was named Comedy Contributor for Neil deGrasse Tyson’s popular StarTalk Radio show. He co-founded, writes, and stars in the web series, Moderately Funny. Dan also works as a Sketch Company Writer for the Off-Broadway theater group, On The Rocks. Currently, Dan hosts and produces a monthly storytelling show, Hindsight, at Stand Up NY Labs. He also appears regularly on SiriusXM’s Ron and Fez Show. Visit danperlmancomedy.com for more.