How To Beat The Unbeatable LeBron James


unbeatable lebron james

LeBron James has reached his fifth straight NBA Finals. The four-time NBA MVP and two-time NBA champion seemingly has the entire sport in the palm of his dunking hand. Yet King James is not invincible — no one is. Here are clear-cut ways to exploit LeBron’s weaknesses and win a basketball game.

(1) Tell Him The Game Isn’t Until Tomorrow Morning

Perhaps the biggest weapon LeBron possesses is his uncanny ability to show up to games promptly. He is one of the most punctual players the game has ever seen — usually arriving at least ten minutes early. Even Michael Jordan would often sprint into Bulls games late in the first quarter, carrying his gambling winnings. Not LeBron.

A team that assures LeBron that the game has been postponed from Sunday at 8pm, for instance, to Monday at 7am will be in great position to pick up the W. LeBron will believe he has made an honest mistake, return to his hotel, sleep, then wake up ready to play in a game… that he has already lost. Ouch! If you’re gonna try this move, this lie takes a total team effort: ten opponents greet LeBron before he enters the arena, one asks to borrow his cell phone, and a final player has an Uber ready to whisk him away before anyone else foils this plan.

(2) Convince Him This Is All Just A Dream

Damn! He showed up. Now what do you do? At 6’8, 250 lbs, LeBron can score, pass, play tenacious defense: The only way to stop him is psychologically. As an opponent, you must try to persuade LeBron, during one of his amazing spurts, that he is not playing basketball. Rather, this game is a dream. The basketball he so dearly holds is a crutch representing his absent father. Pointing to the surrealistic elements that you have placed throughout the arena — from reindeer-on-strings to a ghostly Wilt Chamberlain hologram whispering, “Wake up for school, LeBron,” — should rattle the 11-time All-Star.

(3) Use a Wild Bengal Tiger

Dang it!! LeBron isn’t falling for your mind games. He torched you in the first quarter. Now you have to use your wild Bengal tiger you bought. Unleashing the beast, which you have carefully trained to gnaw at LeBron’s limbs, is a foolproof way to slow down the King. Following the brutal consumption of LeBron’s right leg, your team should be in rock-solid position to attack the basket and get some good open looks on offense.

tiger

Your best shot at victory involves the Bengal Tigers that you signed to 1-day contracts, specifically for the purpose of eating bits of LeBron James.

(4) Use Three More Wild Bengal Tigers

Aww, man!!! A mostly-limbless LeBron crossed over the tiger and drained a 3 in its face. Let’s face it: The man knows how to play the game. The only way to stop LeBron in the second half is to start your three additional wild Bengal tigers. Now, your starting five should have two human players and three wild tigers. These strong tigers triple-team LeBron and put him under defensive pressure as they carnivorously feast on his flesh. While the tigers attack, your two players can score easy buckets. Swish! Using a total of four wild tigers trained to maul LeBron James will likely result in a fine from the League office, but you cannot put a price on giving your team the best chance to win come playoff time.

(5) Be A Really Good Basketball Team

In LeBron’s 11 full seasons, he has lost 9 times. Honestly, if you’re a really good team, there’s a good chance you can just beat him without the goofy shit mentioned above.


Dan Perlman is a stand-up comedian from New York. Follow him on Twitter @danjperlman.

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Dan Perlman is a stand-up comedian and writer from New York City. Dan performs regularly at Stand Up NY, New York Comedy Club, Comic Strip Live, and alternative rooms across the city. He has performed in comedy festivals in Brooklyn, Memphis, and Dallas. In 2013, Dan was named Comedy Contributor for Neil deGrasse Tyson’s popular StarTalk Radio show. He co-founded, writes, and stars in the web series, Moderately Funny. Dan also works as a Sketch Company Writer for the Off-Broadway theater group, On The Rocks. Currently, Dan hosts and produces a monthly storytelling show, Hindsight, at Stand Up NY Labs. He also appears regularly on SiriusXM’s Ron and Fez Show. Visit danperlmancomedy.com for more.

8 Comments

  1. FLpro

    June 2, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Or if your team has a 7ft tall, unstoppable, German Power Forward named “Dirk”…worked for the Dallas Mavericks in the 2010-11 season

  2. yourmomstaint

    June 2, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    He’s 2-3 in NBA Finals. I think people know how to beat him.

  3. shortbusdriver

    June 2, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    yourmomstaint 2-2, this is his 5th.

  4. TBoAtl

    June 2, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    shortbusdriver yourmomstaint Give it a couple of weeks

  5. Saskopite

    June 2, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    That’s a pretty funny article for a phone screener

  6. yourmomstaint

    June 2, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    He lost one with Cleveland already. This is #6.

  7. Pitdoc

    June 2, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    You forgot reason  number  ONE, Dan . Have  Lebron  play for a championship in CLEVELAND. We haven’t won any sport championship  (I think) since 1948. We came close in the World Series , but no  joy. You GOTTA GIVE THIS ONE TO US !!!!!!

  8. BadNewsJeff

    June 3, 2015 at 7:49 am

    I think there’s a better chance the Cavs get swept than win the series.  The Warriors are very good.