Five Reasons a Panic Attack is Better Than the Tinder Date You Just Said Yes To

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By Ilyse Mimoun, Author of “Choose Your Own Love Story,” now available everywhere. Published by Running Press, A Member of the Perseus Books Group.

Ilyse Mimoun is a writer and actress who wrote for Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil, and has appeared on TV and in films such as Chuck, 90210, Mistresses, Hart of Dixie, Privileged, and The TV Set. She has performed a longstanding comic debate series at Upright Citizens Brigade, Sketchfest, Nerdist, and more. Her New book Choose Your Own Love Story gives you the ultimate dating fantasy: the do-over. This book allows you to make fifty choices leading to twenty different possible endings. Will you make out with sexy Vampire Guy or settle down with a gentle plumber with restless leg syndrome? Will you wind up a free-spirited artist or a Buddhist monk? How will your story end? Ilyse is also working on an independent film, which chronicles the joy and horror of contemporary romance. She is repped by UTA and lives in Los Angeles with the hunky J-date dude she finally locked it down with.


My thirteen-year old niece has a bunch of awesome sweatshirts that say stuff like “I don’t need you- I have WIFI,” “Food Before Dudes,” and “Fine- I’ll just date myself.” Her bedroom walls are plastered with glossy poster of J-Law kicking YA dystopian butt. When I was a kid, I had a sweatshirt with Daisy Duck flaunting a giant pink bow, batting her eyelashes and the words “BOY CRAZY!” screaming in all caps. Our heroic chick was Meg Ryan acting adorably “tough” in movies like Inner Space, (where toughness was signified by having spiky hair and a willingness to gasp in almost-anger).

So you know, some things have improved. We’ve moved beyond aspiring to be flirtatious ducks. And men have evolved to change diapers and read articles about “empathic attunement.” They even heard on NPR about how they’re not supposed to problem-solve when you’re in a bad mood; they’re supposed to just listen and grunt warmly.

All of which begs the question, why are you going out with that new guy on Tinder?

He is horrible, and we all know it. Maybe you’ve lowered your standards. Maybe unrelenting internet dating has crushed enough of your spirit that you no longer care if a prospective date confuses “its” with “it’s” or if he says he doesn’t like Shakespeare because there is “too much fighting.” Shit gets confusing because the world of internet dating is a lawless jungle. People look at your profile, then don’t message you. People message you, then don’t follow up with an invitation. People send an invitation, then flake, then text you two weeks later as if nothing happened. If you say anything, you’re the crazy one. The law of the Internet jungle is that you cannot take anything personally. If you expect reliability or consistency, you are defensive and no fun. The whole thing is a litmus test for how uptight you are and how far you are willing to lower your standards.

But you shouldn’t, and men shouldn’t either. I’m not talking about physical beauty and income standards. For gods sakes, those standards SHOULD be lowered. What I’m talking about is going out with someone that sounds awful because you think it might lead to having something to do on Valentine’s Day. Don’t do that. You’re better than that. A panic attack is better than that. Here are five reasons why:

1. Panic attacks can spell. They make sense. They are your body’s way of saying you’re in danger. In modern times, panic attacks generally crop up when we’re actually safe (like before a blood test or public speaking), but at least they are trying to help. A panic attack will never tell you that he likes to “work hard and play hard” or that his true inspiration in life is Charles Bukowski. Come on.

2. Panic attacks respond well to valium. If you have a phobia (for me it’s planes—I can’t seem to get on one without shaking violently) some combination of therapy and medication will likely help. If you need therapy and medication to get through this date, it’s not worth it. Seriously.

3. Panic attacks end. Typically, within a few minutes. This date could go on for hours, which will feel like forever. Getting ready for the date takes longer than the panic attack. And with every stroke of the blush brush or carefully placed gust of Axe body spray, you are investing more and more in a relationship that would be disastrous anyway. There’s no getting ready for a panic attack. It comes on suddenly, and it leaves. There’s a comfort in that.

4. Panic attacks bring you into the present moment. You’re stuck—shaking, light-headed, alternatively freezing and burning, maybe vomiting—but you’re HERE. You’re in your body. When you go out with someone you’re not into, your mind and body just sort of float away, usually aided by alcohol. A panic attack is like a horribly unpleasant zen-master—like the crazy dude in Kill Bill.

5. Panic attacks don’t come from the universe. They come from your lizard brain. Admit that on some level you said yes to this person because you thought the universe was offering him. Stop with universe already. A horrible date is worse than being alone on Valentine’s Day again. Why not do something wild and crazy like turning off your computer? Plus, it’s okay to be alone; that’s the clear message from all these sweatshirts, dammit. Loneliness won’t kill you. Neither will a panic attack. They just both feel like they will. I’m not saying eschew risk-taking and fun-having. I’m just saying: before taking up with someone who you’re not actually drawn to—consider having a panic attack instead.


Order Choose Your Own Love Story on Amazon.com now.

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